Metro Sexual in the 6th

   365  
  Marc: 6’1″, brown hair, friendly brown eyes, thin; half French half American, originally from San Francisco and now living in Paris. His sexual preference is questionable. I met him through my friend Stephen, who got a group of us together to watch a 49er game at the Mazet pub near Odéon in the 6th. We have been dating for five weeks… In Los Angeles, the morning after a sleepover with the opposite sex goes something like this: I am awoken suddenly by the 7 a.m. call of the lady who pushes the metal cart with the bell on the handle down the middle of my street selling fresh tamales, making sure to announce over and over at the top of her lungs, “Tamales, tamales…” I have yet to actually try one of her fresh tamales because, the fact that one only costs 50 cents scares me. There was one week when Laura and I were so broke that we couldn’t afford to replace the dead lightbulb in our bathroom, so we had to shower and do makeup by candlelight until my then boyfriend was so fed up with having to bring a pack of matches with him every time he wanted to use the toilet that he bought one for us. On Wednesday of that week, I crept down the stairs at 7 a.m. and waited for the Tamale lady, but she did not come. Now, I use the Tamale lady to my advantage when I have, as my gay best friend Myke puts it, “a convenient stranger” spend the night. Her piercing voice sounds the last call for clothes. “Time to get up!” I throw on a sweatshirt and start making the bed. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of my dates, especially since I have so few; it’s just that at 7 a.m. the next morning the date’s over. Plus, Myke and I have a standing breakfast appointment at 8:30 the morning after any sort of physical contact takes place with a man. Myke and I generally meet at Starbucks, because it is conveniently located at the mid-point between our two apartments. And though there is a far more charming café located at the end of my cross street, there is something to be said for having my coffee exactly how I want it. And sometimes, if its been a long night of pleasing somebody else, I want a “venti, non-fat, sugar-free vanilla latte.” We sit for hours and discuss the events of the previous night in perfect detail. We analyze the evidence and eventually determine whether or not the person I am dating is crazy. Myke feels it his responsibility to assist me in judging this type of thing, as I have a past filled with stalkers and ex-bosses who call too much. There is only one guy whom I dated in Los Angeles that both Myke and I agree was not crazy, though he was immature and sometimes would ask stupid questions, such as, “Is a cat a mammal?” In Paris, there are three cafés where Laura and I generally meet for emergency discussions: Le Danton, where we first saw Nicolas and where they serve cappuccinos exploding with foam; Les Etages, where they provide cheap cafés accompanied by toffee-covered peanuts and we flirt with the 20-year-old waiter who makes me blush while constantly refilling my bowl with nuts, proclaiming, “Il faut manger;” and if it’s a quick coffee, Nils, the Swedish cafe where they’ve got great café crèmes for under two euros. However, Laura and I stopped going there last week, when we became aware of a real stuffed reindeer decorating their sitting area. This same day we discovered that Snittal, one of their Swedish specialties, contains smoked reindeer meat. It turns out that at Nils, it’s not where “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, but where, Grandma can eat Rudolph for dinner.” In the States, there would surely be protesting, especially around the holidays—you’d have reindeer activists dressed in antlers and red noses picketing with signs to save Rudolf. Naturally, when I heard that a Starbucks was opening in Paris I had mixed feelings. I know that I should boycott the nasty chain store that serves giant coffees in to-go cups, but there is part of me that is looking forward to my re-acquaintance with my old friend the venti, non-fat, sugar free vanilla latte. When I phoned Laura about an emergency breakfast regarding the questionable sexuality of my new boyfriend Marc, she suggested that this time we meet over a Starbucks coffee at 26 Ave. de l’Opéra. I brought with me the evidence: A: While Marc and I were exploring the shops surrounding the gates of the Luxembourg gardens the week before Christmas, I spotted two scarves in the window that I thought would make perfect gifts for Myke. One contained different shades of blue, while the other one flashed rainbow stripes. Just as I had decided on the blue for Myke (concluding that the rainbow scarf was far too gay, even for West Hollywood) Marc grabbed the gay rainbow scarf in admiration. At first I thought he was joking, well, hoped he was joking, but the gig was up as I watched him walk over to the woman at the register and pull 65 euros out of his pocket. That’s a lot of money to pay for a gay rainbow scarf, not to mention a short gay rainbow scarf. At this point I put down the blue scarf that I was considering for Myke; I simply could not have my gay best friend and my boyfriend in the same wardrobe. B. When Marc wears the short gay rainbow scarf, he folds it around his neck like the gay pride ribbon. C: Marc uses high-volume salon shampoo recommended to him by his male hairdresser who Marc proclaims is just, “Fabulous!” D: Two nights ago, before bed while I was heating up a pot of orange-cannelle tea, I turned around to find Marc standing, bent over, staring at his legs. He then looked at me and said, “God, I have to do something about my thighs, they have never been this big.” E. He knows who designers Marc Jacobs and Jean-Paul Gautier are. He inquired about the Marc Jacobs orange raincoat I was wearing while applying New York salon Bumble and Bumble styling gel to his…
  • SUBSCRIBE
  • ALREADY SUBSCRIBED?
Previous Article Cojean: fresh and hip fast-food
Next Article Gourmet Buzz: Paparazzi, Cameras and Chefs