Diary from Limousin Part 16

Monday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Your ruling planet Mercury is retrograding in Aries in your 11th house.  You’ll be making aggressive plans to pursue your goals.

9 a.m. John still in slightly wobbly mood re Gazelle activities. Have decided to be on best behaviour, no kipping on keyboard, quoting Labor Code etc. Agree meekly to translate appalling quality control document. All right, teeth-grittingly then.

7 p.m. Do not understand why widget industry so obsessed with norms, conformity, ISO 9001 etc. Have never looked forward to gym so much.

7.01 Believe Arlette part-time masochist. Has come equipped with notes, extra-loud bark. Everything short of circus whip.
Huguette deputed to film near-Olympic-quality demonstration. Falls asleep near end, is revived, smelling salts of 30 sweaty Gazelles.
Martine proudly announces loss of 1,000g. Is preparing new life as free woman. Fun times ahead, will start living life to the full (cheers). Bernie clapping, whooping, hugs her.
Hmm. Not being too discreet about their affair(s).

8.05 Arlette will take film home, put together short routine. Rehearsal tomorrow before film crew arrives. Wants a perfect display.

Debate official name for movement. Put forward my snappy slogans. All proposals containing Ladies rejected (too limitative, open to misinterpretation). Pass up Nadine’s suggestion of Lmousin Liberation Front (might precipitate further arrest, next time as terrorists).

“I’ve got it!” All eyes on Babette. “Cows R Us…after all, what else is Limousin famous for?”

Think others bit hard on our brilliant colleague. Intervene to stop lynching.

“Babette, that’s precisely the image we’re trying not to convey…we have to get away from  cow culture, breathe new life into Limousin…make it famous for something else, a national Flower Show for example.” Point out that’s what we’ve been discussing for 10 weeks.

Babette nods thoughtfully. “What about, er…Loverly Flowery Limousin?” Join in collective sigh. 

Snappy slogan 39 agreed by default. At least has multinational and masculine appeal. One is now Limousin United. Break for coffee, cakes. Make slight pig of self. So many Gazelles dieting, assist Grizzelle in major offensive on tarts, gateaux etc. Must give cholesterol cells occasional treat.

Run through list of props for TV spot. Warn farting specialist Grizzelle. Absolutely no thunder from down under, bottle-swigging, displaying detachable jaws etc, in front of cameras. 

Tuesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June,  Take care when Mercury goes direct not to do anything with friends you may regret

D-Day! Have arranged appointment with hairdresser, must look best for cameras.
Finish ridiculous Q.C. translation. Inform spouse one is not hungry, will be elsewhere at lunchtime.

“What? Who’s going to make my lunch then?”
Point out plenty of revolting tinned choucroute garni in cellar. Have been model wife for at least 24 hrs, enough is enough etc.

5 p.m. Has clearly been bonanza day for Limousin hairdressers. Gazelle manes like colour chart in paint shop.  Grizzelle wearing best witch outfit, looks like vampire-sired-by-warlock. Have never seen her wearing lipstick, but obvious has forgotten where lips located. Or maybe confused tube with toothpaste. Danette warns her to keep mouth closed.

5.25 TV technicians arrive, set up gear. Rehearse gym demo nervously to muffled guffaws from presenter Stéfan and all-male crew.

6 p.m. Cameras whirring, start svelte synchronized spectacle.

6.15 Have crashed into Martine twice, helped Bernie up after failed pirouette, sent sympathetic signals to Danette after major incident with television cables. Tried not to giggle at Nadine’s over-lacquered hair waving stiffly like cat flap.

Wednesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Uranus is in Pisces in your 10th house.  Expect sudden changes that allow you the creativity you lack

5.30 Open kitchen shutters, feed cats and self.
Boot laptop. Drink more coffee. Open breathtaking thriller. Close same. Am depressed, clean out of inspiration. Last night’s show running in continuous loop. Will surely go down as French classic, be nominated for comedy award at Cannes.

Maybe gym fiasco can be edited. Ditto for Stéfan’s interview with grinning Grizzelle.  Rest perhaps passable in hands of talented magician. Maybe technology exists to fuzz out runny make-up, sweat-plastered multi-coloured hair, steamy mist swirling around Gazelles. Would make good wildlife film perhaps, complete with jungle soundtrack. Grizzelle swore she could not help it. Just wish explosion less loud.

Stéfan thinks will be broadcast tonight, subject to arranging interview with mayor.

2 p.m. Find vol. 3, A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu beside loo. Must do something re books in bathroom. Am too tired to get hysterical. Will have surreptitious power- nap instead.

7 p.m. Have had endless telephonic post-mortems (morta?). (Snort – Ed).
France Telecom thrilled. Everyone else depressed.

Camera slowly traversing Sewing Circle’s patchwork masterpieces.
Stéfan wrinkling nose whilst talking to Grizzelle.

Stéfan in front of Mairie. “….refused to comment, but I spoke earlier today to another  councillor….”
Cut to good old young Nicolas, revealing his efforts to persuade the mayor to adopt Limousin United’s plan. “…the others followed Bernard like, er, cows….those who were awake, that is…”

“Is this really democracy? The Flower Show proposal, put together by a group of determined women, could save Limousin…
“….minutely planned, persuaded local artisans, educational establishments etc to participate, mostly on voluntary basis…yet rejected out of hand…ignored by regional government…
“Isn’t it time elected officials started listening to those who put them there?”

7.45 Was superb. Wish I’d thought of taping news. Phone ringing. Notice Proust now on telephone table. Perhaps J. has new respect for new TV-personality-spouse.

1 a.m. Babette phones, complains has taken hours to get through.

1.29 a.m. Leave receiver on table, with Babbling Babette bending Proust’s ear. He won’t mind. They have same verbal diarrhoea variant, should get along like house on fire.

Thursday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June  The new moon eclipse is in Aries in your 11th house. You’ll be firing on all cylinders

5.50 Have not slept wink. Make coffee. Phone still off hook. Decide buzzing noise not Babette snoring. Replace. Feed cats.

More mail from NY Novelist. Yards re POV this, POV that. Nothing in Chambers between pout and poverty. Must be typo, easily done. Am always hitting ‘r’ insread of ‘t’.

Heroine Apolline mentally turns over Hunky Henri. Looks good from all angles. No wedding ring either. Mme Dinde wittering re something. Apolline snaps out of reverie. Another lecturer knew all 3 poor unfortunate girls. Will summon him tout de suite.

Monsieur Martin bounds in, bursting with bonhomie. Apolline instantly suspicious, gives partneress Melamine withering look as stupid bitch simpers. Gives Martin Martin 3rd degree. Claims he was at home, marking papers. Alone. Maintains his parents had weird sense of humour, has spent whole life trying to live down name. Huh. Is clearly alias.

Interrogates him re his personal habits. Love it when you talk dirty, sweetheart. Well really. Reminds Martin this is murder investigation, snaps at him. Mme Dinde and Melamine frowning.

Call me any time, Martin winks as he leaves. Apolline underlines note to investigate cocky bastard further. Clearly some tension between him and Hunky Henri. Will call Henri and find out why.

Friday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June  Saturn is retrograding in Cancer in your 2nd house.  Decide on priorities.  Don’t lose your center and worry about looking good to others. There are more worrying matters on the horizon

J. announces he has booked table at my favourite fish resto in Limoges. Am very pleased to be persona grata again, not convinced however have anything to wear to said nosh-up. Dining in city is different kettle of fish, sartorially-speaking.

7 p.m. Getting slightly hot, bothered. Am torn between 3 outfits. Dress? Skirt ‘n top? Pants ‘n top?

J. Hovering. “Er…You look terrific in that dear. Just terrific…”
Really means: please don’t try on anything else, I’m starving.

8.10 Hug chef Tom, Mirabelle, chef’s wife, Clementine, chef’s mother. Accept congratulations re new career as TV personality. Both dining rooms packed, but have prime table by window overlooking square.  Sip cocktail, read menu, build meal around gooey desserts. Will skip cheese (v. bad for cholesterol)

9.15 See couple being shown to annexe table.  Their backs to me, but am able to get brief glimpse of woman’s profile as she lowers her upholstered stern onto unsuspecting chair. Links podgy fingers with companion’s across the table. Nearly choke on veg terrine. Clean specs on napkin. Have reviving slug of Chablis. Assure J. am fine, blather inconsequentially to cover shock. What is Martine doing here, with man not husband Jerome? Why is she having intimate dinner without new lover, Bernadette? Am v. confused.

Saturday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Mars is in Aquarius in your 9th house. Concentrate on domestic arrangements. Don’t brood over supposed problems

9.30 Have decided Proust needs new home. Clean bathroom, find drill, check wall plug situation, desired shelf dimensions etc. Give J. list for project.

9.45 J.gone to Castorama with Robert to buy supplies. Collect post from box, shiver in arctic blast. Notice Bernie’s car still there, must be staying weekend.
Phone trilling as I open front door. Françoise, almost incoherent. “L’Express and Le Point want to interview us! Le Point is putting together feature on deprived French regions – they’ve decided to devote most of it to Limousin! Imagine!”

Rush round to Château de Scumbag.
Bernie wearing new top. Actually is more plunging neckline with attached sleeves. Glances nervously over shoulder. Give her astounding news, wonder why am not invited in. Am still gabbling when door opposite opens. Can see double bed in background. Man in foreground. Lean, fit-looking, fiftyish. Definitely not Scumbag spouse. Rubbing hair with towel. Wearing boxer shorts. And nothing else. Ohlala.

Did not linger next door. Just long enough to be introduced to nearly-naked Norbert. Am completely confused.  Martine and Bernadette have either had 2 express affairs or are being terribly unfaithful to each other. Obviously v. open relationship.

Sunday
Gemini 21 May- 21 June Venus is in Taurus in your 12th house.  You want to spend quiet times with a loved one. You may even want to help the underdog

6 a.m. Have had mega-brill idea, will definitely call it Bloodbath (or poss. something else) In Limoges.  Bring in Gazelle fight for justice.  Okay, maybe old news when super-best-seller tops hit parade. But will be of genuine historical interest, still fresh in my public’s minds. Like the resistance, suffragettes etc.

9 a.m. “Did you know that only male camels carry sacks of salt?” Hmm. No discrimination in salt-carrying camel circles then. Remind handy spouse re bathroom shelf.

10 a.m. Hear John calling from garage. “Um…can you give me a hand with this er, shelf?”

Decide cannot scream hysterically in open air, neighbours might get wrong impression. Grit teeth, lift one end of continental shelf. Was special offer. Is wide enough to floor small bedroom. Find electric jigsaw. Then remember last blade broke when J. tried to fell pear tree in garden.

4 p.m. Shelf now in place. Had to take over project, even though do not accept spouse’s left-handedness is physical handicap. Cover bullet holes in salon wall with picture. Told J. not really appropriate to use 12-in drill bit for 4cm plugs.

Have jettisoned all ancient pills, potions, lotions. Placed leather-bound Proust on shelf next to loo. With latest Minette Walters.  Have decided to try out revolting habit.

11 p.m. Find Gizmo spreadeagled sleepily on shelf. Loo seat up, but do not think cat responsible. Prepare to sit on throne.
Oh No. Fish Proust out of loo.
Sweat buckets. Run through potential scenarios. Do not think I can safely complain re loo seat in circumstances. Tiptoe past snoring spouse, eject cat. Remind her re J’s catricidal tendencies. Dry off book on towel.

Put Proust in tumble dryer. Turn to max. Get out prayer mat.

Bonne semaine