The Camargue Secret (with respect to Dan Brown!)

Monday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon is in Leo in your 3rd house. Watch out for aftershocks from recent disturbances

5 a.m. Am woken by Limousin version of tropical rainstorm, is peeing icy stair-rods outside. Let cats in, apologise again to Gizmo for forcing her to take flying lesson from upper window last week. Think she has already forgotten same, live memory only circa 0.001 micro-octets.
Cats not so bad really. Sometimes remember who you are, don’t constantly berate one, answer back etc.  Maybe marry one in next life.
Tell Whinge will give him resident status, Burberry scarf, elocution lessons etc if I win Loto. Cats full of gratitude sing shaky duet. Notice Whinge’s creaky-door voice rustier than ever, perhaps has a cold.

Drink tasteless tea-coloured hot water. Eat dry bread with jam. Must cosset cholesterol-soaked cells from now on. Boot laptop, open billion-selling work (no point in aiming too low).
Decide heroine Apolline is my alter ego, can do anything, go anywhere, kill at will. Hmm. Perhaps not too often, readers might get confused sorting out which corpse which. Virtual affairs possible too.

5.30 Find email from Famous NY Novelist-Slavedriver. Thought I’d been abandoned by said VIP.
“…characters too darned saintly, comfortable….real people have real-life problems…..”

Author of Bloodbath in Limoges / Strangulation in Strasbourg certainly having real-life problems. Domestic aftermath of Brive demo v. stressful.

“…and for God’s sake, find a decent title….” Huh?

6.35 Titles file now bulging. Much more enjoyable than actually writing contents of airport/rail terminal blockbuster. Have added Strang(l)er In Strasbourg
Brive Lives
Hmm. Not sure, think someone maybe already bagged latter.

8.30 J. singing same song as yesterday. Demo post-mortem carried out 39 times so far. Corpse v. cut up. “For heaven’s sake, don’t worry about what people think, John.  They don’t do it very often. Besides, nobody watches the news.”

J. grumbles, waves revolting, cow-trodden foot. Have no sympathy, was his decision to commune closely with herd. Besides, point out have recently ingested breakfast, might outgest same on blackened toes.

Discard all fleeting thoughts re housework, returning Christmas tree box to loft. Only April after all. Should have followed instincts, left tasteful natural-aspect tree as permanent salon feature. Save crawling around freezing loft in December.

9.30 Visit paper shop. Scan through publications for demo report. Find half column in Libération, fuzzy photo in local rag. Am truly disgusted. Nobody cares about Limousin. No one has even heard of Limousin.

1 p.m. J. has taken phone off hook, has bleated non-stop all morning (John and phone). Mostly friends re my TV arrest. But an alarming lack of invitations from famous presenters for interview on TF1 news.

7 p.m. Surprised Oberführer Arlette not ending pre-gym jaw-warm-up.  All Gazelles scandalized re lack of media response, mayor’s treachery. Notice small TV, video machine on table.

“No disrespect to our dear mayor,” Françoise says, inserting a tape into the video player. “But Bernard has been telling porky-pies. Watch.”

Squeeze between Bernadette and Babette, watch Tom flattening Jerry’s nose with large frying-pan. “Sorry…after this. There -” Join Babette in protest as cartoon fast-forwarded.

Cheers at shot of village banner. Wild cheering as Grizzelle wallops cop, boos as we are led away. Then full frontal shot of smug mayor Bernard right at head of procession, few metres from François Hollande, union leaders etc. The mayor who refused to join the demo.

“Ly-ing bast-ard -“
“Two-faced git -“
“Impeach zuh bugger -“

Should not really call swine bastard. (At least we agree on something – Ed)
Look around, thank heavens Huguette absent. Not very pleasant to have one’s husband’s veracity and ancestry impugned.

“What’s more,” Françoise says, zapping the TV, “the coach company told me that some male person” (boos)m=, “some swine phoned them on Friday night to change the arrangements,  delay the second coach by an hour.”

Collective intake of breath, all air sucked out of room. Open window. Gym hall shrinking as more and more Gazelles join our Monday gallop.
Everyone trying to speak at once. Wave my arms at throng. “One at a time! Me first…there’s no proof that Bernard sabotaged the transport, is there?”

“No-o. But the guy heard babies yelling in the background…”

Plural babies? Mayoral triplets? “Does Huguette know about this?”

Françoise nods. “I took her out for a coffee this morning between feeds. She’s glad of an excuse to get away from her mother-in-law and menagerie. Says she’d pack her bags tomorrow but for the kids.” 

“We’ll have to confront him, beat the truth out of him if necessary,” Nadine says, punching the air. Trips over TV lead, crashes into table.
“Our objective is to get the go-ahead for the Flower Show,” Bernadette cuts in, calming things.  “He’s still the mayor. He holds all the cards.”

Bernie is right of course. Notice in the brief silence Martine sitting well away from her. Obviously trying to maintain some discretion in their affair.

9.15 Have decided to give the mayor until Friday to deliver his decision re the Show. If not, we’ll bombard the media with disgraceful administrative shenanigans, force the issue. My idea, I knew someone would have family in the fourth estate. Danette’s second cousin-in-law, three times removed, is head of current affairs at France 3.

Tuesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Long-awaited news will unsettle you, but the setback is surprisingly temporary

5.30 Drag poor self out from under warm quilt into spine-chilling world of virtual violence. Will now make characters ruder, more snarly etc, as in real life. 

Obvious that Mme Dinde afraid of Henri de Villeneuve. Apolline wonders why, exchanges quick glance with partneress, Melamine. Studies teacher of murderees critically as he snaps at flustered administrator.  Athletic physique, craggy features, nice tight butt. Electric shock as she shakes his hand. Must be some nylon in carpet.

Is real ladykiller. Just the right amount of after-shave too. Answers questions courteously, gorgeous eyes never leaving Apolline’s face. Sense slight challenge in his body language. But has excellent alibi. And teeth.

Henri looks at watch, has class in 5 minutes. Apolline reluctantly releases his hand, replaces same with her card. Call me anytime, she says. Huskily. Tight smile from Henri, then he’s gone. Abruptly. Without saying goodbye.

9.45 Stop outside Mairie on way back from La Poste. Scan planning applications, permits etc. Merde. Rub eyes, clean glasses. Re-read small notice half covered by lake fishing tariffs.

Cowardly bastard. Resist urge to enter Mairie, cause disturbance, break windows etc.

10 a.m. Phone Martine. She has lost 2 kilos, congratulate her, then spoil her day with bad news. 
10.10 Feel sick, deflated. Have left Martine to contact other Gazelles, pass on mayor’s underhanded rejection of village rejuvenation plan. Wimp too cowardly to tell us personally, but will discover his error at next election.

10.20 Françoise on phone. Plan B to be activated. We meet to hammer out details. “Dinner, Friday if everyone can make it. That new resto in St. Benoit perhaps, not sure who we can trust in our own village,” She adds darkly.

Wednesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Personal projects seem balanced on a knife edge: assertive action may be necessary

Pow-wow dinner arranged. It’s been agreed, Françoise adds, that even though end of term nosh fund spent on coaches, we must dig deeply into husbands’ pockets. Have several end-of-term binges if necessary, bugger the expense.
Huguette, our spy in mayoral camp, has withdrawn conjugal privileges in solidarity, will definitely attend Friday. Bernard reported to be antsy, v. nervous at what we might do.

Thursday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Later today, the moon opposes Mars. Watch out for resentful feelings re legal matters, neighbours etc

9 a.m. Pascal phones, cancels knee therapy. Suggest I take 30-min. walk, ride bike instead. Is not the same, cannot have kip whilst walking, cycling.

2 p.m. Walk therapeutically for 12 mins, no point in overdoing it. Notice Sleazemobile next door. No sign of Bernadette’s car.

2.30 Ring Monsieur Serre re conservatory. No news re permit for same, suggests I phone planning gods myself.

3.30 Find remains of Yellow Pages under Gizmo. Repeat warning re catricidal spouse roaming house with large shredder.

3.31 Phone planning dept.  Bored, idle civil servant says I need to speak to colleague, Monsieur d’Arcy. Yawns hugely into Madame’s left ear, says colleague out of office. Urgent business.

Am tempted to snap cretin out of stupor, tell him colleague currently attending to urgent horizontal jogging assignment on Floozy Suzy. Sessions so steamy even the neighbours light cigarette afterwards.

Friday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon moves into Libra in your 5th house. Finalize future plans, but don’t go overboard this evening

9 a.m. Have interpreting appointment at notaire. Sweet, four-foot farmer selling 20-acre ranch to ten-foot Canadian. Latter bragging non-stop re size of American farms, tractors. “Tell him” he says, pointing impolitely at midget “…back home, sometimes it takes all day to get from one end of a farm to the other…G’wan, tellim!”
Midget impressed when I tellim, opens eyes wide. “Merde alors, tell him we have tractors like that here too…”

11 a.m.  J. says Bernadette phoned, she will pick me up tonight. So that I needn’t worry re drinking/driving. Submit to tedious lecture re Gazelle excesses, irresponsible behaviour etc. “Just don’t drink too much,” the Ayatollah warns. Think sometimes too much is not enough.

7 p.m. Bernie calls. No reference to Martine during journey. Tell her she seems more relaxed, cheerful these days.
“Well, the Show project has really given me a new lease of life you know…things at home have been…well, never mind. I used to be meek, indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.”
Denise arrives in style, brought to door on arm of Paul. He shakes hands with everyone, kisses Bernadette. Nice smile, very friendly. Spontaneous chorus of Gazelle wolf-whistles as he leaves. Laughs, minces, waves, toots. Wonder whether he knows about his mother and Martine.
Martine in v tight black skirt, top with swirly purple brushstroke. Looks bit like Cubist grain silo. Legs very shapely though, have never seen them out of baggy pants.  Overhear her whispering to Denise as Paul’s car disappears.

“…mmm…Denise chérie, encourage Pol to join zuh Gazelles…buy ‘im zuh body stocking….” Cackles, rolls eyes. Hmm. Realize there are hidden depths to Martine’s sexual tastes.

We have full complement of Gazelles, including Huguette. Fortunately, whole restaurant taken over, can throw rolls, flick peas, shriek with impunity.

9 p.m. Decide strategy, outline major points for media approach. Danette will contact her France 3 cousin-in-law over weekend.

Midnight. Have savaged mayor, council, government, husbands, boyfriends, men in general. Sing dirty rugby songs.  Conversation pretty filthy at end, perhaps best not to repeat (thank God for small mercies – Ed).

Saturday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June A day of reflection. Try not to reject olive branches – they will bear fruit later

“Did you know that I am is the shortest complete sentence in the English language?”

“Yes, John. And I do is the most reckless.”

Have been mulling over the last night’s meal. Not our eviction at 1.30 by nervous (male) owner, but Bernie’s reference to stale marriages, the reaction it provoked. Seems village a ghetto for disaffected, betrayed women. Am tempted to tell Bernie about Scumbag and Floozy Suzy. 
Find secrets very unpleasant things. You have to keep them, well, secret.

Sunday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Good news will give you fresh impetus, new resolve for the coming week

1.30 Martine phones, very excited. France 3 will interview us on Tuesday evening. Yesyesyes!!!
TV co. want short Gazelle gym demonstration first, good contextual intro. Oh God. As in Flintstones introducing presidential debate.

6 p.m. Have applied astounding literary skills to snappy slogans for campaign. Is real need to raise awareness, put Limousin on map. Will present selection to colleagues on Monday.

Long Live Limousin!

Bonne semaine