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Gemini 21 May- 21 June Don’t hesitate to suggest solutions to troubling problems. Enjoy after-hours activities in the company of friends
5.30. Caribbean beach dream interrupted by entire Limousin bird population performing Woodland Suite in J. Flat.
5.35. Let cats in, fill bowls with remaining winter bird grease pellets. Advise Gizmo and Whinge no more cat food until all birds murdered. Drink first of 100 coffees. Eat 3 slices toast and Nutella. Smoke fag. Boot laptop. Open novel by V. Litry.
Is really time to hold autopsy. Body now dead for some time, must be humming slightly. Describe state of victim. On second thoughts, will leave till later, have just had breakfast after all.
Spend beautiful warm spring day glued to computer. Apart from short holiday at stove. Translate 2 more employment contracts. Nice Mr Raffarin must have put bomb under ministers as I suggested. Jobless figures reduced by 3 in as many days. Now down to only 2,499,997. Send email of encouragement, keep up good work etc. Calculate will take him only 6,849 years to balance employment books.
7 p.m. Persuade Jane to forsake boring translations, have cool time at gym.
Notice pizzas, chocs, booze on table. Yvette’s birthday. Hmm. Calculate will take 3 gym sessions to burn off each Gazelle celebration. Gym Mis. has inconveniently made same calculation. Run, stretch, bend for 42 kms. Grit teeth, suppress violent tendencies.
8 p.m. Open champagne. Propose traditional Gazelle toast.
Notice birthday girl looks worried. Perhaps had expected more from life. But Yvette not typical Gazelle. Not yet obliged to buy teeth, hair colour. Serious gymnast, does not shop at Fuller Figure chain.
8.30. Great Limousin Flower Show looking remarkably feasible. Firm promises of help from 4 nurseries, 1 plumber, 2 builders. Grizzelle Sewing Enterprises now in full production. Carine and Nadine will tackle agricultural colleges this week. Wrap up meeting quickly, start on serious business of/admin/story/story/18150/ evening. Lovely chocolates.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June An insignificant incident or remark will have repercussions later in the week. You may not be aware of it however
11 a.m. Do not appreciate Pascal referring to narrow, undeserved French victory over Ireland on Saturday. Is supposed to be physiotheraping poor knee, not upsetting fragile Irish patient. Still, share his satisfaction re English defeats on rugby field. Agree perfidious race not capable of appreciating finer aspects of life, good wine, whiskey, Limousin beef, etc.
12.30. Weather fabulous, like early summer. Make chicken salad. Is delicious, even if say so myself.
"Not very filling, is it?" Do not understand male attitude to salad. Give J. thick soup, croutons for pudding.
2.30 Start translation of jeans to Budapest outsourcing contract. Well dang. Did not realise denim a French invention. De Nimes. Wonder why have never been informed of same by Reader’s Digest representative.
Martine phones, brother of Gym Mis. has agreed to oversee cabin renovation work, lend heavy plant etc. M. thinks we must draft submission to mayor as time short and no word from Scumbag-d’Arcy re official grants. Will meet when I have a couple of hours free.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June Small things will impact your life at work. Try not to get irritated
4.45 Have solved autopsy problem. Call heroine away to urgent meeting, leaving partneress to spectate, faint etc. Can get details from pathologist’s report after all. Do not think it necessary to inflict Y-incision, cranium-sawing on my public. One is not insensitive author like, e.g. P. Cornwell, P.D. James.
9 a.m. Say Yes to PowerPoint presentation from new client. Urgent. Open doc. Instantly regret overuse of Y-word.
12.30 Am deep into life cycle of head lice and nits when another new agency calls. Gawd. The price of Fame. Will have to change number when Best-Smeller hits bookstands.
Deep, sexy Parisian voice. Give him plenty of time to proposition me before uttering N-word.
"Urgent. Lots of press cuttings. Political scandal on news last night." Uh-huh.
"To be returned one by one as translated…." Uh-huh.
"Day’s work. To start immediately…." Hmm.
"Will mean working fairly late tonight…." Huh?
Tell Di Caprio politely to bugger off, but do try another time. Soon, sweetheart.
Love scandals, gossip etc. Wish he’d rung before Nit & Louse S.A.
1 p.m. Decide not to cook planned prawn curry. Bit too much like skinned lice in nit sauce. Ditto for spaghetti (tapeworms). No eggs, too redolent of infant louse.
Serve pepper and grapefruit salad. J. impressed. "Big starter. What’s the main course?"
Ignore spousal grumblings re lack of calories, slow starvation by wife to get at fortune etc.
"Did you know, John, that a female head louse can lay 10 eggs a day for up to 20 days?" Eat your heart out, Reader’s Digest.
5.30 Skip tea to finish insect homicide manual. Wonder why scalp so itchy.
6.15. Take walk to clear head of lice. Scumbag-d’Arcy’s car parked in his drive. Would like to fly banned bovine inflatables from dividing fence but do not say so as John still upset over frivolous purchase. Tell J. about seeing neighbouring swine with floozy. Feel enraged for nice Mme. D’Arcy. J. just shrugs. Typical male reaction to male hanky-panky.
Narrowly escape death on way home as speeding Scumobile roars past. Notice same Ms Piggy in passenger seat. Am apoplectic, give him finger, yell re huge law suit for distress etc.
"Never wrestle a pig," J. says sternly. "You both get dirty and the pig likes it."
Gemini 21 May- 21 June Take care not to quarrel with a partner or boss today. Practice moderation where money is concerned
8.30 Have leisurely breakfast. Boiled eggs hard to beat. Toast, chocolate cookies, the works. Is fête nationale, so have given self day off. Inform J. and wish him happy St Patrick’s Day. Looks slightly stricken, protests loudly. Patrick not his saint, too much work for hols etc. Point out he takes 14 July off, even though Bonaparte not his saint either. Does not even know when mythical St George celebrated.
Midday. 10 mins stretching exercises in warm sunshine. Gym Mis. would be proud of me. Have yawned through 2 hours of multinational credit agreement, allocated by slave-master with sick sense of humour. Retaliate by making orange and walnut salad. "Better for the metabolism dear. Very healthy."
"Huh. Health freaks are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospital dying of nothing." No thanks for saving spousal life.
1.30. Check lottery results on internet. 7. 15. 22. 25. 33. 47. Blimey. Have just missed jackpot. My numbers 6. 22.214.171.124.48. Bound to win at this rate.
2.30. Abandon industrial credit for expenditure on fixed assets. Go to hairdresser for colour therapy. Prefer aubergine de provence by Jacques Dessanges to pigeon grey by God.
4.30 Feel wonderful. Have new hair, nails, face. New lightness to wallet. Wonder if anyone will recognise me.
5.45 Am recognised by cheapskate spouse blathering re profligacy, bankruptcy. Have teensy attack of rage re endless slaving over hot stove, keyboard, vacuum cleaner etc. Ungrateful spouse mutters re uncooked salads, unfinished translations, undusted furniture.
5.50. Hand in resignation, start first evening of life as free woman. Go to Martine’s to discuss mayoral presentation.
7 p.m. Have knocked out rough draft. Is becoming increasingly obvious we need full-time coordinator for project. Do not volunteer, or tell her one has just ruined Mr. Raffarin’s employment plans by voluntarily relinquishing steady, unpaid 95-hour/week job.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June You will be able to give form and body to a personal project as your creative side comes to the fore. An unexpected financial opportunity may come your way this evening
6 a.m. Let cats in. Notice pale tinge to sky.
Open grand oeuvre. Heroine unsettled, tosses and turns in bed. Being pressurized for results from boss. Know how she feels. Gets up, stands at window (does not let cat in as lives on third floor. Anyway, has no cat). Notices first pale tinge slash of day. Shivers apprehensively. Blood-red sun rises. Phone rings. Is partneress. Another body found. Heart thumps wildly in chest (heroine’s, not body’s).
Brilliant. That’ll get readers wondering, scratching their heads.
Midday. Make myself salad as still awaiting grovelling apology from ex-boss. Show him where freezer, fridge, cooker located.
Denise calls on way home. Jeremie taking her out again tonight. Is going to introduce her to one of his colleagues, Paul.
"Jeremie sinks we will quickly ‘ave zuh good relations.” Surely bit soon to think about children, well-behaved or otherwise.
“Pol shoots troubles for zuh computers." Oh. Chacun à son goût. Makes a change from murdering migrating birds.
"By zuh way chÃ©rie, we ‘ave 3 interpreting jobs for you next week." Oh joy. Triple megabucks. Will pay for much-needed beach hol. For one.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June Recent discord will be satisfactorily resolved, but a new disappointment will blight your esprit for many months to come
Spend morning in garden. Construct bonfire cunningly so smoke directed at Château de Scumbag-d’Arcy.
Must watch Ireland marmalize Wales this afternoon.
Accept apology from spouse with grace, even though realise is proffered only because he cannot face cooking sandwiches again. Make beef and gherkin salad.
Quelle catastrophe. Ireland lose to Wales. Would switch nationalities but dislike leeks, singing flat etc. Am devastated. Return to garden in disgust. Wind changes direction, fills house with smoke. God disappointed too.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June Don’t overtire yourself – your energy has limits. A chance meeting will bear fruit in a week or so
1 p.m. Have spent 4 exhausting hours trying to reverse jungle tendency in garden. Former get-up-and-go clearly got up and went some time ago. J. still eating humble pie, has prepared lunch. Tomato salad. Dressing bit strange, v. sharp. Realise J. has forgotten to add oil. Tinned cassoulet. Not-quite-defrosted fruit salad. Will not need to visit dentist to have plaque removed for several years.
4.30 Am accosted again by Mme d’Arcy, fiddling with same shrub as last week. Have distinct impression she has been waiting for me. Her name is Bernadette, husband is Arnaud. Notice Arnaud sowing something in vegetable patch.
"See you’ve had lots of prospective purchasers, Bernadette."
"Really? Arnaud said there’s been little interest." Oops. Mme d’A. looks thoughtfully at Scumbag spouse. Oh merde. Notice Gizmo frantically digging freshly-sown earth. Squatting, ears back, expression of bliss. Thank God Scumbag back still turned. Relieved to see G. making safe getaway after scattering earth, seeds over wide area.
Bernadette retired now. Used to be project manager for transport company. Hmm. Invite her in for traditional Anglo-Irish tea.
“Would love to, but we’re going soon, friends coming to dinner.”
Notice Whinge sniffing site of new cat loo. Excavating other end of row. Mop sweat from brow, keep Mme talking until reckless cat finished fertilising operation.
6.30 Feel obliged to give cats pep talk re undesirability of crapping on d’Arcy seedbed. At least while said felinephobe in vicinity. Otherwise give them carte blanche.