Diary from Limousin Part 9

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MondayGemini 21 May- 21 June Don’t hesitate to suggest solutions to troubling problems. Enjoy after-hours activities in the company of friends 5.30. Caribbean beach dream interrupted by entire Limousin bird population performing Woodland Suite in J. Flat. 5.35. Let cats in, fill bowls with remaining winter bird grease pellets. Advise Gizmo and Whinge no more cat food until all birds murdered. Drink first of 100 coffees. Eat 3 slices toast and Nutella. Smoke fag. Boot laptop. Open novel by V. Litry. Is really time to hold autopsy. Body now dead for some time, must be humming slightly. Describe state of victim. On second thoughts, will leave till later, have just had breakfast after all. Spend beautiful warm spring day glued to computer. Apart from short holiday at stove. Translate 2 more employment contracts. Nice Mr Raffarin must have put bomb under ministers as I suggested. Jobless figures reduced by 3 in as many days. Now down to only 2,499,997. Send email of encouragement, keep up good work etc. Calculate will take him only 6,849 years to balance employment books. 7 p.m.  Persuade Jane to forsake boring translations, have cool time at gym. Notice pizzas, chocs, booze on table. Yvette’s birthday. Hmm. Calculate will take 3 gym sessions to burn off each Gazelle celebration. Gym Mis. has inconveniently made same calculation. Run, stretch, bend for 42 kms. Grit teeth, suppress violent tendencies. 8 p.m. Open champagne. Propose traditional Gazelle toast. "Life begins at 40. Now everything else begins to fall out, wear out or spread out." Notice birthday girl looks worried. Perhaps had expected more from life. But Yvette not typical Gazelle. Not yet obliged to buy teeth, hair colour. Serious gymnast, does not shop at Fuller Figure chain. 8.30. Great Limousin Flower Show looking remarkably feasible. Firm promises of help from 4 nurseries, 1 plumber, 2 builders. Grizzelle Sewing Enterprises now in full production. Carine and Nadine will tackle agricultural colleges this week. Wrap up meeting quickly, start on serious business of/admin/story/story/18150/ evening. Lovely chocolates.  TuesdayGemini 21 May- 21 June An insignificant incident or remark will have repercussions later in the week. You may not be aware of it however 11 a.m. Do not appreciate Pascal referring to narrow, undeserved French victory over Ireland on Saturday. Is supposed to be physiotheraping poor knee, not upsetting fragile Irish patient. Still, share his satisfaction re English defeats on rugby field. Agree perfidious race not capable of appreciating finer aspects of life, good wine, whiskey, Limousin beef, etc. 12.30.       Weather fabulous, like early summer. Make chicken salad. Is delicious, even if say so myself."Not very filling, is it?" Do not understand male attitude to salad. Give J. thick soup, croutons for pudding. 2.30 Start translation of jeans to Budapest outsourcing contract. Well dang. Did not realise denim a French invention. De Nimes. Wonder why have never been informed of same by Reader’s Digest representative. Martine phones, brother of Gym Mis. has agreed to oversee cabin renovation work, lend heavy plant etc. M. thinks we must draft submission to mayor as time short and no word from Scumbag-d’Arcy re official grants. Will meet when I have a couple of hours free. WednesdayGemini 21 May- 21 June Small things will impact your life at work. Try not to get irritated 4.45 Have solved autopsy problem. Call heroine away to urgent meeting, leaving partneress to spectate, faint etc. Can get details from pathologist’s report after all. Do not think it necessary to inflict Y-incision, cranium-sawing on my public. One is not insensitive author like, e.g.  P. Cornwell, P.D. James. 9 a.m. Say Yes to PowerPoint presentation from new client. Urgent. Open doc. Instantly regret overuse of Y-word. 12.30 Am deep into life cycle of head lice and nits when another new agency calls. Gawd. The price of Fame. Will have to change number when Best-Smeller hits bookstands. Deep, sexy Parisian voice. Give him plenty of time to proposition me before uttering N-word. "Urgent. Lots of press cuttings. Political scandal on news last night." Uh-huh."To be returned one by one as translated…." Uh-huh."Day’s work. To start immediately…." Hmm."Will mean working fairly late tonight…." Huh? Tell Di Caprio politely to bugger off, but do try another time. Soon, sweetheart. Love scandals, gossip etc. Wish he’d rung before Nit & Louse S.A. 1 p.m. Decide not to cook planned prawn curry. Bit too much like skinned lice in nit sauce. Ditto for spaghetti (tapeworms). No eggs, too redolent of infant louse.Serve pepper and grapefruit salad. J. impressed. "Big starter. What’s the main course?" Ignore spousal grumblings re lack of calories, slow starvation by wife to get at fortune etc. "Did you know, John, that a female head louse can lay 10 eggs a day for up to 20 days?" Eat your heart out, Reader’s Digest. 5.30  Skip tea to finish insect homicide manual. Wonder why scalp so itchy. 6.15. Take walk to clear head of lice. Scumbag-d’Arcy’s car parked in his drive. Would like to fly banned bovine inflatables from dividing fence but do not say so as John still upset over frivolous purchase. Tell J. about seeing neighbouring swine with floozy. Feel enraged for nice Mme. D’Arcy. J. just shrugs. Typical male reaction to male hanky-panky.Narrowly escape death on way home as speeding Scumobile roars past. Notice same Ms Piggy in passenger seat. Am apoplectic, give him finger, yell re huge law suit for distress etc. "Never wrestle a pig," J. says sternly. "You both get dirty and the pig likes it." ThursdayGemini 21 May- 21 June Take care not to quarrel with…
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