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Gemini 21 May-21 June The sun squares Pluto and Venus trines Saturn today. It’s far better to work extra hard for extra returns than deliver ultimata to your boss about working less.
6 a.m. Monday is awful way to spend one-seventh of one’s life. Am clean out of excuses for not scribbling best-seller while world snores. Crafting blockbuster wd. be so much easier if not for time-wasting activities like e.g. earning daily baguette. Perhaps can get myself sacked.
Boot up coffee machine, laptop. Decide heroine must have partner (for good/ bad guy routine, making useless deductions so highlighting ace qualities of boss). Right. Male or female? i.e. brains in trousers or between ears?
Institute regular bawling session in murder room. Appoint young partneress to sharpen pencils, make coffee, keep office fridge stocked with face masks, beer, chocolate.
8.30 Moan to boss re clients, deadlines, strikes, sore knee, cats, lack of huge win on Lottery enabling self to take weekly luxury hols.
“You don’t do the Lottery, dear.” Men can be so obtuse sometimes. Notice said slave-driver’s attention span v. short these days where spousal welfare concerned. Nobody loves me.
9.15 Inbox full of already-refused translations. Do when you can, but hurry. Am enraged, but ignore.
Ask Google how to win zillions on Lottery. Apparently is v. simple if one spends €39.99 on probabilities programme. Hmm. Not desired answer. Choose 6 numbers from 49. That shouldn’t be too difficult.
9.30 Buy fags, paper. Choose 6 winning lottery numbers.
Start last week of career as ace translator.
1230 Prepare lunch. Pork chops. Courgettes. Tomatoes. Phone rings. And rings. Find in loo. Scream at filthy disgusting spouse. Threaten to have isolated-lavatory-dwelling-for-revolting-husband built at end of garden. Remember phone still ringing. It’s Jane, v. apologetic, hopes I was not in loo. Have satisfying mutual moan re men, deadlines, weather etc for half hour. Feel serene.
Serve lunch. Courgette & tomato soup. FlambÃ©ed chops, charcoal sauce. Hear on news tax inspectors going on strike next week. Must write letter of support.
Notice muscle-bound Oberführer Gym Mis. still there when post-gymnal Save Our Village meeting starts. Martine introduces her as newest recruit. Wife of golf professional, sister of construction contractor, daughter of electrician. Gawd, a one-woman impresario. Resolve to be model gymnast from now on. Wild cheers as Mistress Arlette suggests gym, yoga and aerobics courses for happy campers. Resolve never to go camping.
Settle battle strategy. Two-pronged Gazelle assault on nurseries/garden centres first. Agree to accompany Martine on said mission. Arrange inventory of log cabins on Saturday as Geriatric Grizzelle’s sewing commandos ready for active service.
“Er….don’t we need the mayor’s permission to create France’s Premier Flower Show?” Am teensy bit anxious about local mullah kyboshing Gazelles Inc. corporate plan.
“Don’t worry about Michel,” Yvette says firmly. “He’s related to most of us anyway. He’ll do exactly as he’s told, chÃ©rie.”
“Besides, his wife’s my sister,” Ginette adds, opening the Belgian chocolates at long last. “She’s enrolling as a Gazelle. He hasn’t a chance.” Communication by careful application of terror. Feel almost sorry for Michel.
Gemini 21 May-21 June The moon squares Venus this morning. Try not to worry so much about your work; watch out for misunderstandings between you and boss
8 a.m. Hallelujah! Snow gone, sun shining, birds trilling tunelessly. Spot hares snacking on yellow lawn. Last year they brought their kids to the adventure playground I call my vegetable garden. Oh dear. Have either counted same ears 3 times, or we have grandkids.
9 a.m. Start translating quality-control manual. 36 pp of ISO norms for widgets made in Wigan. Is every bit as thrilling as watching paint dry.
1.30 p.m. Garden full of hares size of kangaroos. Instruct Gizmo and Whinge to eject same as have limited ecological beliefs. Cowardly cats content to hiss from safety of armchair.
Wander into woods with binoculars, hear woodpecker, rooks, car door. Hmm. Next-door-d’Arcy again. With same floozy as last week. Use handy Picea orientalis as cover. Focus spyglass.
Oh. d’Arcy hand superglued to said floozy derriere, pushing her towards weekend Maison de Scumbag. Wonder why floozy Suzy not struggling, screaming for help.
2.15 Return to Wigan. Do not understand a single word. ISO tired.
3.20 “Wake up, Mad!”
Was not asleep. Just trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
Denise calls. Delighted she has recovered from disastrous date with Edouard. Pursuade her to continue search for Monsieur Parfait. Trawl through Lonely Hearts on internet. Aha. Jeremie, 28, interior designer, seeks social companion. Mm. Gorgeous. Brown hair, firm chin, eyelashes down to elbows.
“Doesn’t mention long-term commitment…”
“He’s just cautious, Denise. Don’t rush at matrimony.”
“Ah! Is no good, huh? Zuh marriage?”
Decide must be careful here. Do I tell her marriage changes passion, one is suddenly in bed with a relative? Love may be blind, but marriage a real eye-opener etc.? No, decide to tell truth. “Marriage is wonderful, Denise. It’s great finding that special person you can annoy for the rest of your life”
Gemini 21 May-21 June A recent impulse purchase may prove to be a pig in a poke.
10 a.m. Fortunately intercept postman before J. Put incriminating package from Farm Flyers in garage. Will inspect when boss not around. Not that I think he might get upset.
10.30 Abandon quality control in Wigan for quality time with friend. Martine resplendent in satin camouflage suit. Hope I’ll be able to find her among vegetation. Wait 10 mins to see boss at Plantes Alors, fortified by Martine’s Mars bar rations. Discuss strategy.
“Very important to smile a lot, Martine. And always say ‘we’, not I.” Remember reading about interview techniques at dentist.
“ChÃ©rie, le patron is my bruzzer-in-low. Zuh answer is already zuh yes. We only ‘ave to decide zuh theme of zuh jardin.” Nobody tells me anything.
Martine wants typical Limousin garden. Point out Plantes Alors have all ingredients for Japanese garden. Le patron agrees, wonderful idea. Map out jardin Zen in 5 mins.
Martine drops me home, mutters about laurel being hardy, geraniums only flowers worth having, etc.
1.30 Decline walk. Tired knee, dear. Wait till Sherpa Dickson out of sight. Unwrap Farm Flyers package in spare room. Read instructions. Use bicycle pump to inflate product. Waste 10 mins finding broken pumps. Find torch. Merde. Is actually metal tube for storing dead batteries. Grope around in loft. Find li-lo pump.
Hmm. Cows bigger than I thought. Valve in first udder. Attach nozzle, pump gently. Oops. Is like huge strawberry blancmange. Not sure cows have blue eyes. Looks more like giant horned pig. With 3-metre nylon umbilicus. Suddenly takes off, hovers above me, gently bumping bovine back on ceiling This is fun. Decide must check all.
God they’re big, room shrinking. Giant scarecrow bit like bad-tempered W. Ham supporter. Keeps head-butting cows.
Merde. Hear J coming in. Must deflate herd. Open valve in nearest cow. Oh damn. Valve has come off. Will have to deal with later. Close door on funny farm.
Gemini 21 May-21 June Judicious choices result in improved finances. Dreams seem attainable
8.30 Check Lottery results. Eureka! Have 3 of 6 winning numbers. V. excited. Give J. good news.
“How much have you won?”
“Er…..€2.70.” Yes okay, realise is not quite enough to fund Caribbean cruise, but 30 cent profit is clearly promising start.
“Beginner’s luck, m’dear. Average odds of winning jackpot 14 million to 1.” Wonder why men so negative. After all, must already have beaten odds of 7,000,000-1. I think. Maths not really my thing.
5 p.m. Meet Martine at Jardin des Rêves. Not her usual sunny self, despite summery lemon boilersuit. “Jerome sinks I am zuh fat blob, chÃ©rie. You sink ‘e speak zuh troof?”
Cast critical eye over chins, breasts like watermelons, tractor tyres on site of ex-waist. Sink Jerome being troofful, but am too nice to say so to friend. “Eat well, stay fit, die anyway, Martine.” Advise trading in husband for more modern model.
Gemini 21 May-21 June The moon trines Uranus. Inspiration and Gemini clear-sightedness straighten many a tricky path
4 a.m. Can’t sleep. Decide time to get to grips with novel. Police must be besieged by professional confessors by p. 40 surely? Obliged to interview all, as one might be real Perp. Must say is great fun leading reader up jardin path. Notice one nutcase claims interesting modus. Get full details, could use that for sequel. Or prequel. Hmm. Not sure one can have prequel to first novel.
9.30 Two successive days without human rights violation. Wonder whether J. sickening for something.
Translate employment contract for human resources manager. Limo, stock options etc. 35-hr week. Blimey. €30k/month. For part time job. No wonder France in such a mess. Send email to nice M. Raffarin. Remind him most of cabinet useless, need human resources manager to kick-start said ministers. Will send CV.
Gemini 21 May-21 June The moon moves into Virgo in your 4th house. You feel more critical of family members, especially since the energy of tonight’s full moon is kicking in all day.
9.15. Meet Gazelles at log cabins. Surprised all there on time, including Grizzelle, surviving member of Guillotine knitting team. Split into groups of 3 to inspect cabins. Am left in car park with Oberführer Arlette and Grizzelle. Describe exterior to Dictaphone while Grizzelle fiddles with hearing aid.
“CABIN SIX I said….”
“Havin’ sex? It’s been so long…I can’t remember who ties up whom….”
Gawd. Beam me up, Scotty.
Linoleum Blownapart on floor inside. Unpainted plasterboard on walls. Depressing, until Mistress Arlette gets to work with keyring toolbox, uncovering traditional chestnut flooring and ye genuine log walls. Gym Mis excited as I.
“Rugs. Rag rugs for floor. Got that, Grizzelle?”
Relieved that Arlette will prepare printed list for Grizzelle’s Sewing Circle (font size 20). Leave Grizzelle chanting Make Love Not War,
Show Arlette site of golf course. Delighted she agrees re potential. Will get expert opinion from her husband.
1.30. Serve lunch. J. looks at plate, asks what we’re having for dinner.
Okay, can eat better elsewhere. But is free meal.
“But Phillip and Sandra Snout-Davies are coming this evening….” Huh?
J. remembers he forgot to tell me that least favourite friends rang yesterday, staying overnight, expecting dinner. Have minor attack of hysteria. “The spare room isn’t ready, you cretin……” Oh my God. Spare room full of pink cows.
Is extremely bad hair day. Stub toe on bathroom cobweb. J. discovers floating herd. Vacuum cleaner out of bags. Freezer bag substituted therefor gobbled by motor. Motor incapacitated. Cows inflated. Husband irritated. Ireland lose to France. Will be in mourning for 12 months.
7.16 Have 14 mins to prepare meal before horrid Snouts arrive. Defrost elderly meat from freezer basement. Not sure which animal it came from. Packet sauce to mask taste. Tinned potatoes, peas as feel neither hungry nor hostessly. Ice cream leftovers from last summer. Also have v. small, slightly green piece of Cantal cheese.
Hear Snouts hawhawing in garden. Check salon quickly. Merde. Shove pile of clean underwear under cushions.
Less said about dinner the better. Snooty Sandra got tired and emotional via 2 bottles of best Bordeaux. Phillip, a chronic fiddler, knocked over 2 glasses and was bitten by Gizmo.
1 a.m. Disappointed Phillip has not contracted mad cat disease. Mouth and hands in constant motion. Yawn hugely. Suddenly notice P. winding my clean bra round fingers as he witters re profit/earnings ratios.
Gemini 21 May-21 June Enjoy a day of rest after the week’s excitement. Friends or acquaintances will surprise you
8.30 Eat silent breakfast with J. Woke in spare room under pile of partly deflated, wrinkly pink cows. Stertorious Snouts still sleeping.
1 p.m. Snouts gone. Sign peace treaty with J. Eat pizzas, salad.
Potter in future Zen woodland garden. Am hailed by similarly pottering Mme Scumbag-d’Arcy. Is quite chatty lady really. Discuss Gazelle initiative. Maison de Scumbag is her family home. Does not really want to sell.
“ Marcel says the house isn’t moving anyway.” Decide not to tell her house rocking on springs on Tuesday.
5 p.m. Denise calls in for tea. Jeremie, she smiles, is very nice. Am thrilled, get emotional, add cognac to tea. Notice Denise v. serene. Effect of true love. Has already met his mother, is seeing him again. Says she will value Jeremie as friend. Friend?
“Jeremie is gay, chÃ©rie. Poor darleeng ‘asn’t told ‘is muzzer. But ‘e ‘as lots of straight friends for to introduce me.” Oh.