Diary from Limousin Part 8

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Diary from Limousin Part 8
MondayGemini 21 May-21 June The sun squares Pluto and Venus trines Saturn today. It’s far better to work extra hard for extra returns than deliver ultimata to your boss about working less. 6 a.m. Monday is awful way to spend one-seventh of one’s life. Am clean out of excuses for not scribbling best-seller while world snores. Crafting blockbuster wd. be so much easier if not for time-wasting activities like e.g. earning daily baguette. Perhaps can get myself sacked. Boot up coffee machine, laptop. Decide heroine must have partner (for good/ bad guy routine, making useless deductions so highlighting ace qualities of boss). Right. Male or female? i.e. brains in trousers or between ears? Institute regular bawling session in murder room. Appoint young partneress to sharpen pencils, make coffee, keep office fridge stocked with face masks, beer, chocolate. 8.30 Moan to boss re clients, deadlines, strikes, sore knee, cats, lack of huge win on Lottery enabling self to take weekly luxury hols. “You don’t do the Lottery, dear.” Men can be so obtuse sometimes. Notice said slave-driver’s attention span v. short these days where spousal welfare concerned. Nobody loves me. 9.15 Inbox full of already-refused translations. Do when you can, but hurry. Am enraged, but ignore. Ask Google how to win zillions on Lottery.  Apparently is v. simple if one spends €39.99 on probabilities programme. Hmm. Not desired answer. Choose 6 numbers from 49. That shouldn’t be too difficult. 9.30 Buy fags, paper. Choose 6 winning lottery numbers. Start last week of career as ace translator. 1230  Prepare lunch. Pork chops. Courgettes. Tomatoes. Phone rings. And rings. Find in loo. Scream at filthy disgusting spouse. Threaten to have isolated-lavatory-dwelling-for-revolting-husband built at end of garden.  Remember phone still ringing. It’s Jane, v. apologetic, hopes I was not in loo. Have satisfying mutual moan re men, deadlines, weather etc for half hour. Feel serene. Serve lunch. Courgette & tomato soup. Flambéed chops, charcoal sauce. Hear on news tax inspectors going on strike next week. Must write letter of support. 7 p.m.  Detect slight thaw in attitude of Gym Mistress to lazy token foreigner. Suffer only one mild rebuke for applying insufficient effort to tearing ligaments, tendons etc. Notice muscle-bound Oberführer Gym Mis. still there when post-gymnal Save Our Village meeting starts. Martine introduces her as newest recruit. Wife of golf professional, sister of construction contractor, daughter of electrician. Gawd, a one-woman impresario. Resolve to be model gymnast from now on. Wild cheers as Mistress Arlette suggests gym, yoga and aerobics courses for happy campers. Resolve never to go camping. Settle battle strategy. Two-pronged Gazelle assault on nurseries/garden centres first. Agree to accompany Martine on said mission.  Arrange inventory of log cabins on Saturday as Geriatric Grizzelle’s sewing commandos ready for active service. “Er….don’t we need the mayor’s permission to create France’s Premier Flower Show?” Am teensy bit anxious about local mullah kyboshing Gazelles Inc. corporate plan. “Don’t worry about Michel,” Yvette says firmly. “He’s related to most of us anyway. He’ll do exactly as he’s told, chérie.” “Besides, his wife’s my sister,” Ginette adds, opening the Belgian chocolates at long last. “She’s enrolling as a Gazelle. He hasn’t a chance.”  Communication by careful application of terror. Feel almost sorry for Michel. Tuesday Gemini 21 May-21 June The moon squares Venus this morning. Try not to worry so much about your work; watch out for misunderstandings between you and boss 8 a.m. Hallelujah! Snow gone, sun shining, birds trilling tunelessly. Spot hares snacking on yellow lawn. Last year they brought their kids to the adventure playground I call my vegetable garden. Oh dear. Have either counted same ears 3 times, or we have grandkids. 9 a.m. Start translating quality-control manual. 36 pp of ISO norms for widgets made in Wigan. Is every bit as thrilling as watching paint dry. 1.30 p.m.  Garden full of hares size of kangaroos. Instruct Gizmo and Whinge to eject same as have limited ecological beliefs. Cowardly cats content to hiss from safety of armchair. Wander into woods with binoculars, hear woodpecker, rooks, car door. Hmm. Next-door-d’Arcy again. With same floozy as last week.  Use handy Picea orientalis as cover. Focus spyglass. Oh. d’Arcy hand superglued to said floozy derriere, pushing her towards weekend Maison de  Scumbag. Wonder why floozy Suzy not struggling, screaming for help. 2.15 Return to Wigan. Do not understand a single word. ISO tired. 3.20 “Wake up, Mad!”Was not asleep.  Just trying to pick up contact lens without hands. Denise calls. Delighted she has recovered from disastrous date with Edouard. Pursuade her to continue search for Monsieur Parfait. Trawl through Lonely Hearts on internet. Aha. Jeremie, 28, interior designer, seeks social companion. Mm. Gorgeous. Brown hair, firm chin, eyelashes down to elbows. “Doesn’t mention long-term commitment…” “He’s just cautious, Denise. Don’t rush at matrimony.” “Ah! Is no good, huh? Zuh marriage?” Decide must be careful here. Do I tell her marriage changes passion, one is suddenly in bed with a relative? Love may be blind, but marriage a real eye-opener etc.? No, decide to tell truth. “Marriage is wonderful, Denise. It’s great finding that special person you can annoy for the rest of your life”  Wednesday Gemini 21 May-21 June A recent impulse purchase may prove to be a pig in a poke. 10 a.m. Fortunately intercept postman before J. Put incriminating package from Farm Flyers in garage. Will inspect when boss not around. Not that I think he might get upset. 10.30 Abandon quality control in Wigan for quality time with friend. Martine resplendent in satin camouflage suit. Hope I’ll be able to find her among vegetation. Wait 10 mins to see boss…
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