Diary From Limousin Part 4

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MondayGemini. 21 May-21 June Make the most of today – there are clouds on the horizon Marie-Thérèse ‘s last day. She wants to be chef today. I would too if I was my guest. Have very long chopin liszt for Carrefour but have booked us a massage first. Flirt outrageously with gorgeous front-of-house Adonis. More hope than expectation. Hunk smiles. Has full piano keyboard behind lips. Realise while undressing have forgotten to shave legs. Forest of young saplings from knee to toe. Lie down and dream of lithe handsome Adonis pouring oil on troubled skin. Must tell him to avoid spotty knee. Dream interrupted by husky voice asking Madame’s wishes. Five o’clock shadow on chin, even though is only 9.30 a.m. Small copse growing from nose. Hands any first division goalkeeper would be proud of. “I’m Véronique,” she smiles. Notice piece of lettuce between upper fangs.  Float out into street one hour later. Feel like a million euros. Have booked further kneading with Vile Véronique. Midday. Unload oysters, champagne, guinea fowl.  Marie-Thérèse in charge. My only duties to direct her to saucepan cupboard and open bubbly. John deputed to open oysters. Is apparently not like falling off log. Suggest electric drill. Silently conduct merde cantata until last mollusc naked. Wonderful meal, even oysters.  Smother raw globs with chef’s sauce to help beasts down throat. Offer guest permanent job. John disloyally seconds proposal. TuesdayGemini. 21 May-21 June You will find yourself unaccountably disturbed today. Catch up on some paperwork, and try to push dark thoughts away. See Marie-Thérèse off at airport. Lots of hugs, kisses, tears and assurances that I am Hostess with Mostest. Am convinced, but too modest to say so. Spot nasty next-door neighbour in village talking to nice mayor. Poke my tongue out just as mayor turns to wave at me. Oh dear. Cannot understand why perfect gentleman mayor communing with perfect scumbag neighbour. Cannot understand what said scumbag doing visiting his weekend house on Tuesday. Am troubled ace hostess. Workload easing as France Inc. heads for the ski slopes. Still, have papers to complete for court of appeal. Find ex-white forms under cat. Annual plea to be sworn translators.  Forms size of billboards. Submit two copies each applicant. One copy each supplied. Will need photocopier size of football field. State grandmuzzer’s name. Reason for application. Can charge double if successful. Hmm. Perhaps not wise to tell truth. Notice Gizmo has signed last page already. Log on to Google in search of cat-pawprint-on-very-important-form-removal-handy-tips. Advises try with spelling paw print. Okay, okay. Sorry no pages with such a stupid title. Huh Midday. Eat leftovers. Resolve to go on diet, stop smoking, drinking etc. Put feet up as am exhausted by resolutions. Finish multilingual chocolates from son Patric. Read box. Powered milk 37%. Hmm. Must be from turbo-charged cows. 3.p.m. Translate CV for law student. 35, millions of diplomas. Expertise, knowledge etc unlimited. Seeking internships. Preferably in Australia, California or S. Africa. Find atlas.  Notice said locations some distance from Limousin steppes. Decide is very smart young man. Will never need job if continues training to age of 50. Can then apply for early retirement. Wish I’d thought of said wheeze. Am interrupted by call from local health authority. Sweet lady with list of documents to supply for insurance renewal. Wants to fix rdv. ASAP. Svp. Think at speed of light. Know Friday afternoon bunking-off time in official circles. Suggest Friday afternoon. No go. She has urgent meeting. Settle on Friday morning. Urgent meeting with boss.  In-depth discussion re strength of tea in cups. Boss alleges tea so weak he could spear shark through 40 fathoms of same. Resignation as tealady refused. Perhaps can take early retirement instead. WednesdayGemini. 21 May-21 June Personal relationships might be strained today. Grit your teeth and ride out the storm 9. a.m. Have resolved to be plus française in outlook. Am on strike. Leave copy of French Labour Code in loo. Hide John’s current lavatory tome in cat basket untouched by feline paws. Make quick getaway to physiotherapy appointment. Pascal pleased disfiguring spots less huge. Further dose of smallpox before manipulation. Plugs me into wall socket and leaves me to recharge.   Pascal very good gentle manipulator. Kneedless to say. Blushes furiously when touches Madame, but soon gets used to stubble. 10.30 Shop at Intermarché. Have to dodge geriatrics trolley-racing. Old men a nuisance too.   Have been provided with long boring list from Ayatollah Dickson. Mouthwash. Hmm. Possibly self-treatment for expletive problem. Any vegetable, except broccoli. Fussy sod. No frozen stuff as freezer ice approaching front gate. Bordeaux, 2 botts. R/mops. Aw, how sweet. J. has at long last taken wifely plight to heart. Feel warm glow of affection. Make for fruit/veg section. Bump into friend from village. Get update on mayor’s plans for big save-our-village-services campaign, demos etc. Assure her of my support at barricades, rock-throwing at police etc. She will keep me posted. 11.30. Must get skates on. Rush through emporium, hurling insults at speeding centenarians. Have lost list, but can remember contents. Beautiful fresh broccoli today.  Buy case of rather nice Burgundy, special offer. J. will be pleased. Not for me as have forsaken alcohol. Notice extra-special-four-pack offer on tinned chestnuts. Practically giving them away. Whiz round to cold section. Know he mentioned frozen food. Put on scarf, gloves, bonnet. Fill trolley. Remember dear husband going to share cleaning duties. Grab last word in mops before check-out. Has lots of clever swivel ‘n tilt features. Wonders of modern technology. 7. p.m….
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