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Gemini 21 May- 21 June Venus moves into Gemini in your 1st house. For the next few weeks you’ll be more charming then usual and it will seem like everyone wants to be around you
7.45 Limousin back to normal. Weather foul. Cats sodden.
Decide must have something hot and filling, cook bacon, eggs. Toast, croissants.
Time magazine, fags for pud.
“Did you know that wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times?” Feign total deafness. Some people just have no conversational skills.
8.30 Nurse on phone, blathering re another blood test “But you took enough last time to transfuse the whole of Limousin.”
A control sample, she says severely. “Just to check that you’ve rid your system of banned substances.”
“Er, banned substances?”
“Pork products, eggs, cakes, tobacco etc.” Oh.
“Arrange it with your doctor. Today.”
Humph. Am far too busy, have appointment with Plantes Alors, Show schedule to draft and translations oozing from every pore. Will ring doctor next week.
7 p.m. Formally welcome latest Gazelle, Cataline, La Poste boss. Is normal to go red, shuffle a bit, say yeah well, right on, let’s get to it kids etc. Cataline infected with word disease, makes speech in reply re honour joining solidarity movement, like struggle of former Soviet bloc countries etc. Think perhaps one made mistake issuing membership invitation, but too late now, and one is far too polite to chuck said lunatic out. Her scarlet ‘n yellow leggings, matching top stretched tight over adipose mountains have slightly hypnotic quality. Wish I’d brought my fake Raybans.
Cataline purrs to halt at last. Gazelle gyrations start with unusual enthusiasm.
8.10 Think Arlette deliberately chose SAS exercises. Have helped Cataline into car, offered
to call ambulance. Tell her it will be easier next time. Was only small lie.
Quality of post-gym refreshments deteriorating. Pass on carrot juice, celery sticks, carrot sticks, figs, apples. Pig out on olives (olive-green variety).
Sun shining again, lie on mats on grass, doze. Dream of real food. Not sure I like this clean healthy living. Have long argument re Show date. Agree June 30, Mayday for future years.
Arrange preparation committees (one is now Theme Gardens Chairperson). Next meeting Thursday, visit to site with all contractors.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June The moon continues through Gemini. Don’t dwell too much on health matters, but watch your intake
5 a.m. Read emails. NY Novelist has sent long missive re transporting reader into fantasy universe.
The world is full of miserable people. Their misery stems from multiple causes…. you have to remove them from everyday humdrummery. Right.
Let them live the story from the heroine’s viewpoint, blah blah. Right.
Have breakfast while trying to figure out what all that means.
Decide had better get into training for blood test. Wonder how long it takes to remove evidence of Mars bars, gâteaux, cream sauces etc. Drink green tea (foul), eat 2 oranges (horribly fruity), smoke 3 fags (no comment).
Apolline picked up by Henri. Nice car, didn’t know university lecturers earned enough to run Lexus. Still, not her business. Swish resto, no paper napkins, bendy forks etc. Orders cholesterol-rich food. (Obviously Ap. has no weight or forbidden substance problems. Is heroine, after all)
Anyway, necessary to transport reader into Limousine cuisine. She orders foie gras, filet de boeuf, fromage de chèvre, clafoutis, mountains of chantilly. Perhaps better stick to just one pud, even though heroine would dearly love île flottante and gâteau de noix à la crème anglaise for après-pud
Will let Henri choose wine, think wrinkly sector of my public more comfortable with this.
Ap. asks Henri about confidential information he wishes to impart. Shifts uncomfortably in seat, looks around, calls waiter. Another bottle, garçon. Waiter glares. Henri clears throat. Does not wish to impugn colleague, but perhaps police well advised to look into background of Martin Martin. Henri has had his suspicions for some time, gets a bit too close to students. Especially female students.
Hmm. Should have chapter break here, excellent for suspense. Besides, think will have teensy pint or two of coffee.
8.35 Field Marshall Nurse on phone. Why hasn’t Madame been to doctor?
“Too busy dining with Henri.”
“Huh? Who’s Henri?”
“Apolline’s boyfriend, he’s a serial killer.”
Gives me final health warning etc. Why does no one trust me? Light fag to cope with stress.
“Are you still smoking?” This is unreal, scary. Have often wondered how those virtual smells work. Realise now they go down the telephone line. These nerdy geeks are really quite clever. Nurse sighs hyperdramatically, says will make appointment herself and ring back.
8.45 Nurse on phone again. Some people never realise when they’re not wanted. “Tomorrow evening at 7. Don’t forget.” Damn.
Translation slave-driver burdens wife with quarry license. Spend horrid morning splitting rocks in the Vosges.
12.30 Make lunch, drop heavy hints re tedium-ridden existence. “Hard work has a future payoff,” the Ayatollah intones pompously through his broccoli.
Think laziness pays off right now.
3 p.m. Pascal back from sunning himself silly, somewhere far from Limousin. Starts up smallpox machine, leaves me to stew.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June The moon moves into Cancer in your 2nd house. You feel the need to keep something back, opening up only to those you trust the most.
5.30 Apolline still having dinner with Henri. Puts hand over glass, does not wish to appear drunkard. Drop falls on her hand. Licks same off slowly while looking lasciviously into his eyes.
Phew. That’s got the sex bit over. Know it’s expected these days.
Henri’s eyes ice blue, staring. Apolline shivers. Bit cold in restaurant, or else she’s sickening for something.
7 p.m. Think doctor probably younger brother of infant knee surgeon. Very nosy youth, asks far too many questions.
“Exercise? Ah yes, the famous Gazelles…read about you…”
“No thanks. Oh, I see. Um, now and then.”
“How many?” Do quick bit of division. Smile coquettishly to cover creative counting.
Show him dodgy knee, new pox outbreak. Is neither impressed nor interested.
“Yes, as far as I know.”
Hmm. “Now that you mention it doc, I do feel sometimes that I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.” Frowns. Maybe having difficulty with accent.
“And I am a bit worn out too, could do with some uppers. Don’t sleep well either. Need some downers.”
“Does your husband help, share the housework?”
“Oh yes, he make the messes, I clear them up.”
Swine takes another 10 litres blood. Gives me prescription, iron ‘n vitamin Wondertabs, mild sleeping pills. “Er, make sure you never take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.”
Gemini 21 May- 21 June The moon squares Jupiter. You’re overemotional about work, so take some time off this evening to restore some equilibrium to your life
1 a.m. Still awake. Take half sleeping tablet.
11 a.m. “Ma-ad! Are you still alive?”
Gawd. Supposing I’d taken a whole tablet? Would’ve woken next month. If at all. Think medicine bad for health. Unreasonable equal partner insists I do long, boring pre-litigation letter for Messrs. Sue Grabbit & Runne, Paris lawyers. Moan, rant, rave. Eventually capitulate on condition he shares housework, as prescribed by toddler medic.
7 p.m. Meet at Great Limousin Flower Show site. All volunteer contractors present. Have long discussion with Plantes Alors boss re planting plan. Am horrified to see Michel the plumber outside cabin with Françoise. Must warn her re his colour-blindness where loos concerned.
Talk to Paul re web site, translation thereof. Joined by Denise. “Chérie, I want you to be zuh first to know…Pol and I are going to knit the tie.” Oh. Not really what I’d do with a virile young man, but chacun à son goût, I suppose.
“We ‘ave zuh party to celebrate…Saturday, at Bernadette’s.” Beams, hugs me.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June Mid-morning the moon trines Neptune. You’re in a daydreamy mood about a travel getaway or legal matters.
Still feel groggy, bit like sautéed snail. Take handful of Wondertabs.
10 a.m. Appt. at notaire. Very nice chatty clients. Forgive them for being Norwich City fans, nobody’s perfect after all.
“Only drawback about this area is there’s not many golf courses, and none locally. Shame, innit?” Grit teeth, assure clients Limousin will do better in time.
11.30 Feel unusually turbo-charged, possibly the megabucks-fee effect. Should go back to
European Translation Centre, get on with keeping wheels of industry turning. Still, sooner I fall behind, the more time I’ll have to catch up. Decide to visit regional planners, take golfing matters into own hands.
Fight my way through secretarial defences to see Monsieur Terrain, Scumbag’s boss. Make v. impressive impassioned plea. Point out Scumbag has done nowt to get promised grants, claims to be out when I call etc. Delighted to see Mr Terrain frown, hope he gives Scumbag detention.
“How much do you need?”
Gawd, how much does a golf course cost? Can’t be that much, just a few lawns with some holes drilled in them. Coupla tons of cheap sand for bunkers. Palm tree or two.
“How much have you got?”
“60 million euros.”
“I’ll take that.” Can see white beaches, palm trees, pina colada served by bronzed waiters in thongs.
“I can personally authorise only €29,500.” Meanie blathers on re permits, authorisation from health & safety etc, hands me mountain of forms to complete. Do not mind, has taken only 17 minutes to get hearing, favourable reaction, promise of more dosh. Will email T. Woods this evening.
Read blood test report. Am apparently slightly less fat-saturated than before. Celebrate with escalope de veau à la crème.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June Geminis should stay away from others today. Either you’re arguing or getting hold of the wrong end of the stick. Or both.
Get ready to go to next-door-tie-knitting celebration. At least don’t have to drive home, can crawl if necessary.
Disconcerted to see Scumbag standing alone in corner. Sip cocktail, circulate. Chat to Paul’s friends Jerome and partner, Bertrand.
Find Scumbag at my elbow suddenly. “I’ve lost my secretary,” he growls menacingly.
“You shouldn’t be so careless.”
“You know what I mean…you told outrageous lies about me…”
“How do you know? You were out when I spoke to Floozy Suzy.”
“Who?” Huh. Already forgotten the name of his mistress.
“Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t, Monsieur d’Arcy.” Scumbag knits brow, storms out.
Denise and Paul announce their engagement. Are not knitting ties apparently, but tying knot the week after The Show.
D. wants all Gazelles as bridesmaids, turns down Grizzelle’s offer of help. Just as well, not keen to go as cushion, patchwork quilt etc.
Gemini 21 May- 21 June. In the past 2 weeks you’ve been more impulsive or nervous about your career, boss or projects. You discover truths about those around you.
Help Bernie clear up next door. Asks what I was talking to Scumbag about. Confess that I knew about Floozy Suzy months ago, apologise for not telling her.
“Doesn’t matter, told you I knew all along. Someone at Region must have got wind of it too. He was moved to Health & Safety last week, hates it, Says his life is ruined, can’t understand why I’m divorcing him. Can you believe it?”
Bernie has also decided to live here permanently. Am delighted. “We’re selling the apartment, splitting the proceeds. Think I’ll have a fortnight away after the wedding. With a friend,” she smiles.
Have doggie bag of party leftovers. J’s nose stuck in thick tome as usual. Always reading stuff that’ll make him look good if he dies in the middle of it. Ballsack or Ballsache or something. Ballsack, he says, I was right first time. You’d have thought the poor man’s parents would’ve changed their name. Must have had really tough time in the playground.