Diary From Limousin 29

Diary From Limousin 29
MondayGemini 21 May- 20 June Spend some time with younger family members – you’ll learn things you never knew 9 am Mad mullah still blathering re unreasonable feline multiplication. Point out men used to worship cats as gods. “And cats have never forgotten that, dear…” Resume reading Raising a Brighter Cat. “Handling kittens for 30 minutes a day increases the intelligence of your pet…” Hmm. 30 mins X 6 = 3 hours daily. Gawd. 9.30 Check emails. Very long critique of blockbuster from NY novelist, is as long as novel. Will have to wait until I have spare half day to read properly. Dash off to showground. 7 pm Last gym session of year. Gazelles renamed Slugs by Field Marshall Arlette. Notice Babette keeps distance from Yrs. Truly during Tai Chi warm-up. 9 pm Agree to babysit while Gizmo pops out for a bite to eat and a pee. Watch Twinge, Binge, Grunge, Groucho, Rambo, Bimbo and Titch slumbering. Have decided to skip intelligence programme, will just give kittens away at earliest opportunity. TuesdayGemini 21 May- 20 June Protégés? You’ll find them the perfect slot today 10 am Fuss around Arlette’s père, frère as they construct ticket office, aka Executive Pavilion (per Bernard, self-styled Chairperson of Executive Show Committee). 5 pm 6 inflatable pink cows and scarecrow colleague now bobbing gently in breeze above children’s pavilion. WednesdayGemini 21 May- 20 June One of your friends may depart from your circle – stay cool, she wasn’t worth your esteem Install garden tables, chairs, coffee machine, safe in Executive pavilion. 2 pm Am distraught. One of my cows has gone AWOL. ThursdayGemini 21 May- 20 June Your special project is nearing completion, despite all the cretins obstructing your path 8 am Bernie calls. Errant cow has apparently joined herd of charolais cattle in Charente. “Cheeky bloody farmer wanted to know if it qualifies for an EU grant,” Bernie splutters. 2.30 Have final scheduling meeting. Seems all ungrateful husbands whinging re time devoted by spouses to Great Limousin Flower Show, saving regional economy etc. “Honestly, girls, would we keep a car this long if it gave us constant trouble?” Danette complains with 100% justification. 8 pm Watch weather forecast anxiously, but looks great. Magnifique depression heading elsewhere for once. Thank you, God. FridayGemini 21 May- 20 June Keep cool, Gemini – you’ll find a way out of minor irritations Bloody liars, bloody, bloody Limousin. Is peeing cats and cows. Spend morning getting soaked, help Gazelles erect Grizzelle’s grotto, answering exhibitors’ queries, panicking. 12.30 Rush home, heat pizzas, toss salad. Answer phone. “Bonjour, Madame, I’m Amandine ….we’re looking for discerning consumers – ” “Amandine sweetie, can you hold for a minute?” Put phone on kitchen counter. Eat lunch. Collect Show tickets, badges from printers. Return to site. SaturdayGemini 21 May- 20 June A red-letter day for Geminis with Great Plans. Enjoy! 7 a.m. Cold and misty at the showground. Discover another plastic cow has gone to join the great farm in the sky. Her companions nod a respectful greeting. Last-minute breakfast meeting at Executive Pavilion before briefing stewards, ticket sellers. Then fan out to check all stalls installed and manned/womanned. Linger at organic fruit ‘n veg stall, taste selection of producer’s delicious tomatoes. Have badge checked endlessly by secret servicemen doing splendid impression of Men In Black. Accosted by a flustered Scotty, eccentric Glaswegian bonsai breeder. “Och wummin, ae put mae bug scissors doon…an noo thurrrr gun…” Ask him to repeat same slowly, calmly. “OK Scotty, as a special favour, you can borrow our scissors. But be sure to put them back in the Executive Pavilion when you’ve finished. The President’s going to cut the tape at 11.” Watch local accordion ensemble, the Cowpats, setting up on grass beneath oak tree. Have seen them before at various fêtes, church services etc. Recall their semi-mastery of about 5 tunes, played with enormous enthusiasm and dubious skill. Check watch, nearly time to join reception committee. Bump into toothless Grizzelle, carrying dentures and wet sponge in transparent freezer bag. “Teef bit shore s’mornin, chérie…..sponge’s to keep me cool…” Disgusting old bat. 10.45 Sun shining hotly, crowds pouring in as I hurry to VIP car park.Nearly swoon when introduced to Jean-Jacques Goldman, want to tell him I’m his biggest fan, but am too excited to speak, mumble something incomprehensible even to me. Notice Ayatollah sidling up, trying to masquerade as Gazelle as we meet J. Binoche, E. Béart and C. Deneuve. Just wait till I get him home.10.50 Stand in line behind mayor as Presidential helicopter lands like giant bluebottle, ruining everyone’s hairdo, sending my pink cows into manic dance, The Cowpats strike up White Christmas. Wonder briefly whether I have wandered by mistake into a Monty Python film. Cross fingers behind back. Jacques Chirac debarks, walks slowly towards us, smiling, waving, followed by his lady. Wince as band murders When the Saints Go Marching In. The Sheik works his way down the line, murmuring sweet nothings, followed at a respectful distance by the First Lady. Transfer sweat to presidential palm. “Ah…l’Irlandaise, très bien,” he smiles as Bernard introduces me. “My goodness, my Guinness, missus…” the Sheik adds enigmatically before passing on to greet Françoise. Good accent though, maybe has had lessons from T. Blair. 10.55 …
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