Diary from Limousin 28

MondayGemini 21 May- 21 June The moon is in Sagittarius in your 7th house. You’re feeling obsessive about major changes in your work, career or lifestyle   5.45 a.m. Even the cornflakes are beginning to look bleary-eyed.Leave Hannah and Patric at apple orchard with fellow sleepy pickers. Temperature already 25°, think may have to relocate to Greenland.   7 a.m. Check emails. Find message from NY writing guru. “…interesting … certainly unusual…will need time to read this extraordinarily long manuscript…” Well, Gone with the Wind wasn’t a quick read either. And what about T. Clancy, S. King, R. Ludlum?  Bet she’s just gobsmacked / jealous that I can write such stunning stuff.   8 a.m. “Did you know that bats always turn left when exiting a cave?” Mad mullah mumbles behind his Amazing-But-True-Facts-No-Woman-Wants-To-Know journal. Wonder if anyone would notice if I started inserting some of these gems into Profit & Loss accounts, writs, judgments etc. Actually, think clients might also appreciate a little light relief therefrom.   8.15 Resume revolting annual accounts. Still, translation only now only temporary career, will soon be perusing own turnover, profit numbers, depreciation of new limousine etc. Hmm. And hire of young, beautiful chauffeur. Clean-shaven. Mute, of course. Plenty of dumb males around.   11.15 Answer phone for 120th time. Start to recite usual recorded message re temporary unavailability of heirs, am cut off by irritatingly upbeat telesalesperson “…we’re cleaning carpets and rugs in your area this month, madame…”   “Oh gooood. Just the service I’m going to need. Can you remove bloodstains? Human bloodstains? He’s driving me batty…can’t take any more Reader’s Digested knowledge…have to get rid of him…” Strange, the phone’s gone dead.   2.30 Buy gorgeous glistening XL tarte aux pommes, scrummy caramelized apples in yummy pastry, last but one fling before Denise’s wedding, also nice treat for worker-offspring. Pick up 2 kg bag of apples as afterthought, as reputed to repel medical personnel.   5 p.m. Am forced to eat half exquisite tart, due to sudden dislike of apple-shaped fruit by progeny.   7 p.m. Last but one gym gyrations before hols.  Prevail upon Arlette to do Tai Chi for stress management. After all, Gazelles unlikely to make it to Olympic gym squad. Not this time around anyway.Am in my element, except think may have some minor motor disorder that makes keep me walloping Babette in face. Assure her is nothing personal, give her my hanky (only lightly used) to stem the bleeding after almost-perfect Flying Dove Spreads Its Wings.    TuesdayGemini 21 May- 21 June The moon moves into Capricorn in your 8th house, making you feel more responsible for business affairs   Bernadette calls, very excited, internet cabin bookings have begun to roll in. “So far, 42 cabin weeks have been booked. And for every 35 cabin weeks, we need a cleaner for a week. We have to recruit!” Sit down with her and do some calculations. “Wow. We already have enough dough for 2 workers for the whole season!” Dance jig together on ex-lawn. Feel immensely proud. And sweaty. Arrange to advertise summer jobs in local paper this week. “I think we should equip the cabins with tea towels, you know,” Bernie says thoughtfully as we sip cold drinks. “It’s not the sort of thing you think of taking on holiday. People will forget, I’m sure.”Hmm. Think I know a tea-towel supplier. Assure her I’ll deal with it.    WednesdayGemini 21 May- 21 June The moon squares Mars today. Business contacts will be fruitful – remember a bird in the hand is worth two in the tree   9:55 Hurray! Have finished last-ever annual accounts translation! 10 a.m. Ali the Itinerant Salesman arrives. Cut off his have-I-got-something-for-you-missus spiel in mid-flow. Make him happiest Ali this side of Mecca, offer to buy his whole tea-towel caboodle. Poor Ali pale with shock, sit him down, give him tot of rum. Pick out 50 specimens from his suitcase, repack foul plastic tablecloths, revolting kitchen clock decorated with sick-looking birds. Decide had better negotiate price, otherwise Show budget will take unbudgeted nosedive. Apparently requires rum refill to make Ali’s tongue work. 10.20 Write check. “You’ve made me a very happy man, missus,” he says appreciatively, smacking his lips just as J. walks in to the room. 10.50 Given up trying to persuade Ayatollah that what he heard did not mean what his filthy mind thought, one is not about to join Ali’s harem. Actually, think I could do worse. No, perhaps not.Accepted Ali’s parting gift with remarkable grace. Wonder which tree I can hang seriously-ill-bird clock from. Will surely scare living daylights out of any crow, albatross, condor etc.   11 am Have reluctantly agreed to babysit for Huguette while she visits hairdresser. Triplets now burly 4-month old clones, rolling naked on floor blankets, enjoying some undiapered freedom. Inspect said strange creatures, stop young Charlie from trying to pick one up with fishing rod armed with hook big enough for whale. Lock door, don’t really want Huguette coming back to find the family dog snacking on little Paul, Pascal and Pierre. Left baby pees in perfect arc onto Middle’s leg. Middle, whose thought processes are perfectly transparent, pees even bigger arc, splashing onto Right’s face. I just knew the pissing contests would start sometime soon.Find it’s so much easier to…
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