Diary from Limousin 27
324
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Monday ushers in a week of surprises: keep your cool in the face of adversity 8 a.m. Bliss. Wriggle toes, stretch luxuriously. Smile sweetly at exercise bike, alarm clock. Close eyes, turn over. No more of this middle-of-the-night nonsense. Can stay in bed all day if necessary. One is a Free Woman-Novelist. Soon be wheelbarrowing megabucks down to ecstatic infant banker at Crédit Agricole. Mmm. Zzzz….. 8.02 Arrrghhh! Ouch! Kick Gizmo off bed, inspect gnawed metatarsals. Limp downstairs after fat cat. Whinge sits on windowsill, smiling inanely. Have never trusted smiling cats. Probably sent G. upstairs as emissary to Whiskas ambassador. Fill bowls with dead rabbit bits in jelly. Mmm. Looks quite nutritious. Not sure J. would notice if I served said confit hot with say, rice and asparagus tips. Save a fortune on food bills. “Why can’t we have cats like the ones on TV? Fluffy, Daz-white felines, walking gracefully tail-up towards their bowls, gratitude plastered all over their beautiful faces?” Mad mullah snorts. “Those things with squashed faces? Like they’ve spent generations chasing parked cars? No thanks, these two are ugly enough.” Whinge glares, shakes head in denial before diving back into nosebag. He is remarkably unprepossessing, is pinking sheared-eared, with a remnant tabby tail stuck on his plump ginger body. 10 a.m. Go to vet. Lift Gizmo onto table, apologise for uncouth belching animal, explain problem. “Morning sickness? Weight gain?” Dr Caniche repeats, looking at me oddly. Oh dear. Hope is not some obscure fatal disease. Wipe tear from eye, stiffen upper lip, wait for axe to fall. Poor puss. Poor me. One is not good at managing emotional situations.“She’s having kittens. Soon,” Dr. Caniche says, feeling grossly overloaded Gizmo middle. Scrape self off ceiling, consider appalling prospect of unspecified number of extra mouths to feed. Now realise why Whinge has worn that stupid self-satisfied grin for last few weeks. “I like cats,” Dr Caniche murmurs, stroking Gizmo. “Mm. Me too. Let’s exchange recipes.” Noon. Have decided J. does not need to know about the patter of tiny paws just yet. Feel one might have to choose moment with extra care. Spousal imagination unlikely to extend beyond puddles, piles, shredded phone directories etc. 7 p.m. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets, confirmed by the pre-gym-chi weigh-in. Arlette fumes while we waste further 10 mins arguing re date of end of year nosh-up. Decide to hold same between GL Flower Show and Denise’s wedding, kind of warm-up for the latter. Had been looking forward to my new favourite sport of Tai Chi, but Arlette is clearly in mean mode. Thank God only 2 more sessions before the hols. Am either getting too much exercise or body parts wearing out far too quickly. TuesdayGemini May 21 – June 20 Not the most comfortable day of your life. Everybody seems to be thwarting you 7 a.m. Suspect new government of fiddling with weather controls, preventing exhausted translator-novelists from having lie-in. Shower sweat from sylphlike corps, down half gallon of grapefruit juice on the rocks, 3 oranges, 2 peaches. Cannot look Mars bar in eye in this jungle atmosphere without stomach turning all vomity. Bernie wanders into garden, joins power breakfast. Waves email, gives me funny-peculiar look. “Jean-Jacques Goldman,” she reads slowly, “will be thrilled to open the Great Limousin Flower Show. Mr Goldman will be crossing Limoges on his way to see friends further south, so will only be able to spend an hour with you. His secretary will be in touch…….”“Oh, that’s ok. I’m sure he and Sheik Shirak are old friends, they’ll get on like a house on fire.”“Just pray the other invitees are busy that day,” Bernie says, a trifle nervously. Think the French incapable of coping with the unexpected, managing stress etc. 11 p.m. 35°C. Pour melting self into non-air-conditioned Fiat, collect offspring from station. Silent return journey with hungover heirs, 500 bags, rucksacks, guitars, aikido swords, makeup cases etc. Must be staying for at least two days. 11.45 Patric has evicted herd of pink plastic cows, reclaimed bedroom. J. going slightly ballistic on landing, apparently in effort to circumvent bovine traffic jam. Gizmo is on dining table, shredding remains of already-tattered Yellow Pages. Whinge whining on windowsill for refill. Have never before contemplated joining a convent, but may not be too late. Still, at least best-seller finished, no longer need to wear fingers out in middle of night. 6 p.m. “We’ve got a holiday job,” Hannah announces, biting into an apple. “We’re going to thin apples at Belles Pommes SA.” Thoroughly approve of student vacation work, shows independence of spirit, willingness to contribute to society, respect for work ethic etc.“We’re starting at 5.45 am, because of the heat.” Poor dears.“Um…wondered if you could drop us off in the mornings…you’re up at that time anyway…” WednesdayGemini May 21 – June 20 After a bright and early start, things will go steadily downhill 5 a.m. Grrr. Eat breakfast in silence, have banned obnoxious early-morning cheerfulness. Shut ears to whispered war while offspring prepare packed lunches, dispute ownership of last banana. 9.45 Bernie calling in more than usual these days. I’ll say this for her, she never comes empty-handed. “Jean Reno…
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Gemini May 21 – June 20 Monday ushers in a week of surprises: keep your cool in the face of adversity
8 a.m. Bliss. Wriggle toes, stretch luxuriously. Smile sweetly at exercise bike, alarm clock. Close eyes, turn over. No more of this middle-of-the-night nonsense. Can stay in bed all day if necessary. One is a Free Woman-Novelist. Soon be wheelbarrowing megabucks down to ecstatic infant banker at Crédit Agricole. Mmm. Zzzz…..
8.02 Arrrghhh! Ouch! Kick Gizmo off bed, inspect gnawed metatarsals. Limp downstairs after fat cat. Whinge sits on windowsill, smiling inanely. Have never trusted smiling cats. Probably sent G. upstairs as emissary to Whiskas ambassador.
Fill bowls with dead rabbit bits in jelly. Mmm. Looks quite nutritious. Not sure J. would notice if I served said confit hot with say, rice and asparagus tips. Save a fortune on food bills.
“Why can’t we have cats like the ones on TV? Fluffy, Daz-white felines, walking gracefully tail-up towards their bowls, gratitude plastered all over their beautiful faces?”
Mad mullah snorts. “Those things with squashed faces? Like they’ve spent generations chasing parked cars? No thanks, these two are ugly enough.” Whinge glares, shakes head in denial before diving back into nosebag. He is remarkably unprepossessing, is pinking
sheared-eared, with a remnant tabby tail stuck on his plump ginger body.
Fill bowls with dead rabbit bits in jelly. Mmm. Looks quite nutritious. Not sure J. would notice if I served said confit hot with say, rice and asparagus tips. Save a fortune on food bills.
“Why can’t we have cats like the ones on TV? Fluffy, Daz-white felines, walking gracefully tail-up towards their bowls, gratitude plastered all over their beautiful faces?”
Mad mullah snorts. “Those things with squashed faces? Like they’ve spent generations chasing parked cars? No thanks, these two are ugly enough.” Whinge glares, shakes head in denial before diving back into nosebag. He is remarkably unprepossessing, is pinking
10 a.m. Go to vet. Lift Gizmo onto table, apologise for uncouth belching animal, explain problem. “Morning sickness? Weight gain?” Dr Caniche repeats, looking at me oddly. Oh dear. Hope is not some obscure fatal disease. Wipe tear from eye, stiffen upper lip, wait for axe to fall. Poor puss. Poor me. One is not good at managing emotional situations.
“She’s having kittens. Soon,” Dr. Caniche says, feeling grossly overloaded Gizmo middle.
Scrape self off ceiling, consider appalling prospect of unspecified number of extra mouths to feed. Now realise why Whinge has worn that stupid self-satisfied grin for last few weeks.
“I like cats,” Dr Caniche murmurs, stroking Gizmo.
“Mm. Me too. Let’s exchange recipes.”
“She’s having kittens. Soon,” Dr. Caniche says, feeling grossly overloaded Gizmo middle.
Scrape self off ceiling, consider appalling prospect of unspecified number of extra mouths to feed. Now realise why Whinge has worn that stupid self-satisfied grin for last few weeks.
“I like cats,” Dr Caniche murmurs, stroking Gizmo.
“Mm. Me too. Let’s exchange recipes.”
Noon. Have decided J. does not need to know about the patter of tiny paws just yet. Feel one might have to choose moment with extra care. Spousal imagination unlikely to extend beyond puddles, piles, shredded phone directories etc.
7 p.m. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets, confirmed by the pre-gym-chi weigh-in. Arlette fumes while we waste further 10 mins arguing re date of end of year nosh-up. Decide to hold same between GL Flower Show and Denise’s wedding, kind of warm-up for the latter.
Had been looking forward to my new favourite sport of Tai Chi, but Arlette is clearly in mean mode. Thank God only 2 more sessions before the hols. Am either getting too much exercise or body parts wearing out far too quickly.
Had been looking forward to my new favourite sport of Tai Chi, but Arlette is clearly in mean mode. Thank God only 2 more sessions before the hols. Am either getting too much exercise or body parts wearing out far too quickly.
Tuesday
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Not the most comfortable day of your life. Everybody seems to be thwarting you
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Not the most comfortable day of your life. Everybody seems to be thwarting you
7 a.m. Suspect new government of fiddling with weather controls, preventing exhausted translator-novelists from having lie-in. Shower sweat from sylphlike corps, down half gallon of grapefruit juice on the rocks, 3 oranges, 2 peaches. Cannot look Mars bar in eye in this jungle atmosphere without stomach turning all vomity.
Bernie wanders into garden, joins power breakfast. Waves email, gives me funny-peculiar look. “Jean-Jacques Goldman,” she reads slowly, “will be thrilled to open the Great Limousin Flower Show. Mr Goldman will be crossing Limoges on his way to see friends further south, so will only be able to spend an hour with you. His secretary will be in touch…….”
“Oh, that’s ok. I’m sure he and Sheik Shirak are old friends, they’ll get on like a house on fire.”
“Just pray the other invitees are busy that day,” Bernie says, a trifle nervously. Think the French incapable of coping with the unexpected, managing stress etc.
“Oh, that’s ok. I’m sure he and Sheik Shirak are old friends, they’ll get on like a house on fire.”
“Just pray the other invitees are busy that day,” Bernie says, a trifle nervously. Think the French incapable of coping with the unexpected, managing stress etc.
11 p.m. 35°C. Pour melting self into non-air-conditioned Fiat, collect offspring from station. Silent return journey with hungover heirs, 500 bags, rucksacks, guitars, aikido swords, makeup cases etc. Must be staying for at least two days.
11.45 Patric has evicted herd of pink plastic cows, reclaimed bedroom. J. going slightly ballistic on landing, apparently in effort to circumvent bovine traffic jam. Gizmo is on dining table, shredding remains of already-tattered Yellow Pages. Whinge whining on windowsill for refill.
Have never before contemplated joining a convent, but may not be too late. Still, at least best-seller finished, no longer need to wear fingers out in middle of night.
11.45 Patric has evicted herd of pink plastic cows, reclaimed bedroom. J. going slightly ballistic on landing, apparently in effort to circumvent bovine traffic jam. Gizmo is on dining table, shredding remains of already-tattered Yellow Pages. Whinge whining on windowsill for refill.
Have never before contemplated joining a convent, but may not be too late. Still, at least best-seller finished, no longer need to wear fingers out in middle of night.
6 p.m. “We’ve got a holiday job,” Hannah announces, biting into an apple. “We’re going to thin apples at Belles Pommes SA.”
Thoroughly approve of student vacation work, shows independence of spirit, willingness to contribute to society, respect for work ethic etc.
“We’re starting at 5.45 am, because of the heat.” Poor dears.
“Um…wondered if you could drop us off in the mornings…you’re up at that time anyway…”
Thoroughly approve of student vacation work, shows independence of spirit, willingness to contribute to society, respect for work ethic etc.
“We’re starting at 5.45 am, because of the heat.” Poor dears.
“Um…wondered if you could drop us off in the mornings…you’re up at that time anyway…”
Wednesday
Gemini May 21 – June 20 After a bright and early start, things will go steadily downhill
Gemini May 21 – June 20 After a bright and early start, things will go steadily downhill
5 a.m. Grrr. Eat breakfast in silence, have banned obnoxious early-morning cheerfulness. Shut ears to whispered war while offspring prepare packed lunches, dispute ownership of last banana.
9.45 Bernie calling in more than usual these days. I’ll say this for her, she never comes empty-handed.
“Jean Reno will be over the moon to open the Great Limousin Flower Show….” she mutters, clutching the latest acceptance of our celebrity invite-in.
Oh. Think I may have to join him there at this rate. Am reminded rather sharply to attend for cabin-cleaning duties this evening before ex-friend stomps off.
“Jean Reno will be over the moon to open the Great Limousin Flower Show….” she mutters, clutching the latest acceptance of our celebrity invite-in.
Oh. Think I may have to join him there at this rate. Am reminded rather sharply to attend for cabin-cleaning duties this evening before ex-friend stomps off.
10 a.m. Bernard on phone. The Sheik’s armed Bedouins are coming to inspect show site tomorrow. By helicopter, he says in awed tones. Invite our dear mayor to join cabin cleaning, inaugural planting of litter bins. “No man ever got shot while wielding a duster, Bernard.” Am left communing with silent phone.
10.15 Am allocated gigantic annual accounts by totally unreasonable slave-driving, bossy husband. Have been given one whole week by equal partner to translate ten trillion words and figures.
7 p.m. Start on cabin cleaning in teams of 2. Believe one is being victimized by whole world, have been allocated Grizzelle as partner.
7.51 Am totally wrecked. Finished first allotted happy holiday home alone, while Grizzelle gabbled non-stop re fortune-telling technicalities, while wiping air with brand-new, dustless duster.
Enter second cabin. New bed therein beckoning seductively. Clean round same twenty times before testing mattress for happy camper comfort.
7.51 Am totally wrecked. Finished first allotted happy holiday home alone, while Grizzelle gabbled non-stop re fortune-telling technicalities, while wiping air with brand-new, dustless duster.
Enter second cabin. New bed therein beckoning seductively. Clean round same twenty times before testing mattress for happy camper comfort.
9.55 “Wakey-wakey, cherie.” Babette swims into view, gabbling something re squatters in Cabin 29. Follow her thereto. Am tempted to resume kip beside snoring travellers while Françoise calls gendarmes, one is not fussy where sleep concerned. Françoise does interesting little two-step when Laura Norder refuses to join party. Am too exhausted to care.
Thursday
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Watch your step today, especially if confronted by officialdom
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Watch your step today, especially if confronted by officialdom
2 p.m. Stand in line like football team to meet El Shirak’s head of security, a Colonel Espion. Bow as Bernard introduces me as l’Irlandaise. Get dig in ribs from Babette as he moves on. “He’s not a queen you know,” she says, just a tad too loudly. Col. Espion turns, glares. Feel real frisson of fear, as know all these security blokes are super-macho, armed to teeth with machine guns, blow pipes etc. Will be a miracle if we get to end of Show without some official assassination attempt on Gazelles. Col. Espion moves on to shake hands of local gendarmes who, oddly enough, have turned out in force in tight leggings and sunglasses. At least they moved themselves to evict squatters this morning, after being threatened with our new admirer, Monsieur Jacques Chirac.
8 p.m. Prop eyes open with matchsticks, watch news. Mr Breton, our new Finance Minister who clearly cannot afford a haircut, says France is bankrupt. We must all work harder, longer, pay more for our public services. Laugh hysterically.
Friday
Gemini May 21 – June 20 A friend may bring you some exciting news, savour it
Gemini May 21 – June 20 A friend may bring you some exciting news, savour it
9.30 a.m. Bernie striding up the front path, clutching paper in clenched fist. “Emanuelle Béart has never visited Great Limousin and will be delighted…”
Oh God. I’m all stressed out and have no one to choke.
Saturday
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Forget the trials of work, enjoy some quality time with friends, you’ll both appreciate it
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Forget the trials of work, enjoy some quality time with friends, you’ll both appreciate it
9 a.m. Go to Show planning meeting after 2 hours wrestling with depreciation provisions. Notice slight air of panic among colleagues, but no longer care. Still have 21,000 words to translate, cat expecting same number of babies, lunch for 6 tomorrow and middle-of-night taxi duties recommencing Monday. Make no contributions to discussion, feel much depreciated.
Sunday
Gemini May 21 – June 20 A perfect day for visiting/entertaining friends. Enjoy, and give free rein to your creativity
Gemini May 21 – June 20 A perfect day for visiting/entertaining friends. Enjoy, and give free rein to your creativity
9 a.m. Can remember little of bridesmaids’ dress fitting, except that it involved a great deal of levering, gyrating, grunting and seam-splitting before we all managed to fold our bulges therein. Can recall feeling bit like sweaty daffodil in green, white and gold flowery thing, more usually worn by Irish flagpoles.
“Well,” Bernie announces after fitting, avoiding eye contact with me. “I can now give you the results of Mad’s – er, our celebrity invitations-“
Can feel heart taking elevator down to sandal level.
“…the following are unable to attend…” Heart has hopped back into lift, pressed penthouse button.
“…Johnny Halliday, Tiger Woods.” And? And? Elevator already zooming back to basement. Am as glum as glum can be.
Can feel heart taking elevator down to sandal level.
“…the following are unable to attend…” Heart has hopped back into lift, pressed penthouse button.
“…Johnny Halliday, Tiger Woods.” And? And? Elevator already zooming back to basement. Am as glum as glum can be.
“Soooo….Juliette Binoche, Catherine Deneuve, Emanuelle Béart, Jean-Jacques Goldman, Jean Reno and our esteemed President, Monsieur Jacques Chirac – not to mention his good lady, Madame Bernadette Chirac – will all be competing in the Great Limousin Flower Show Opening Contest….”
10.00 Have escaped lynching. After all, pointed out one has 7 certain attendees for the GL Flower Show, plus Gazelles, husbands and friends thereof. Quite a respectable crowd already.
Prepare Sunday lunch for 6. Am baking Alaska in advance. Remember making same at school, bringing it home on the no. 14 bus.
Beaten egg whites slightly diluted with sweat of cook’s brow, but standing up nicely like alpine peaks, as shown in cookery book.
“Watch, Hannah, when I was at school-“
“Was that the Stone age or Iron Age?”
“-we learned to test for stiffness by turning the bowl upside down, like this….”
Oh.
10.45 Have showered, run sandals under garden tap, washed egg whites off kitchen cupboards, floor, walls. Fortunately also located new pack of eggs. Struggle womanfully with uncooperative block of cassis ice cream, clothe same in meringue. Put in oven. Phew.
11.15 Baked Alaska baked, cooling heels in fridge, must say looks v. professional, only slightly lopsided. Like natural iceberg. Think will put feet up for an hour or so before George and Bill arrive.
12.45 One is very relaxed after 2 glasses excellent Pineau. Only have salad to throw together, fish to cook. Remove cheese from fridge, leave to breathe. Hmm. Odd. Said produce seems to have had major road accident, is oozing red liquid.
Merde. Merde. And thrice merde.
1.45 Serve main course. Believe have washed all traces of cassis ice-cream from salmon fillets, lettuce, tomatoes, potato salad, roquefort, camembert, brie. Located some elderly, but serviceable grapefruit yoghurts at back of fridge as substitute pud. Sworn daughter to silence re ex-baked, now melted Alaskan ice-cap, on pain of disinheritance.
Prepare Sunday lunch for 6. Am baking Alaska in advance. Remember making same at school, bringing it home on the no. 14 bus.
Beaten egg whites slightly diluted with sweat of cook’s brow, but standing up nicely like alpine peaks, as shown in cookery book.
“Watch, Hannah, when I was at school-“
“Was that the Stone age or Iron Age?”
“-we learned to test for stiffness by turning the bowl upside down, like this….”
Oh.
10.45 Have showered, run sandals under garden tap, washed egg whites off kitchen cupboards, floor, walls. Fortunately also located new pack of eggs. Struggle womanfully with uncooperative block of cassis ice cream, clothe same in meringue. Put in oven. Phew.
11.15 Baked Alaska baked, cooling heels in fridge, must say looks v. professional, only slightly lopsided. Like natural iceberg. Think will put feet up for an hour or so before George and Bill arrive.
12.45 One is very relaxed after 2 glasses excellent Pineau. Only have salad to throw together, fish to cook. Remove cheese from fridge, leave to breathe. Hmm. Odd. Said produce seems to have had major road accident, is oozing red liquid.
Merde. Merde. And thrice merde.
1.45 Serve main course. Believe have washed all traces of cassis ice-cream from salmon fillets, lettuce, tomatoes, potato salad, roquefort, camembert, brie. Located some elderly, but serviceable grapefruit yoghurts at back of fridge as substitute pud. Sworn daughter to silence re ex-baked, now melted Alaskan ice-cap, on pain of disinheritance.
7 p.m. Slump into garden lounger, sip quadruple whiskey, sweat buckets. Contemplate disastrous week, future potentially disastrous weeks, feline proliferation, sleep deprivation, culinary shortcomings. Would abscond, but new life as filthy-rich-literary-giantess beckons. My glass is definitely half-full.
Bonne semaine
© Madeleine Dickson
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