Diary from Limousin 25

   315  
Monday Gemini 21 May – 20 June Realization of dreams is within grasp for Geminis who dare to take the initiative  8.00 “Did you know that men use about 10,000 words a day, whereas women use 20,000?”  “That’s because women have to repeat everything they say, like me to you for example.” J. frowns. “What?”  Gawd. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there. Mad mullah now wittering tediously re constitution referendum. Tell him to shut up, plug word factory with obligatory strawberries. Ignore protests, have more serious matters to deal with. Think it is high time Gazelles had next scheduling meeting / binge. Must first evict Kevin and raving disciples from lakeside. Yveline only 17 mins late, has set new personal record for punctuality. Locate, wake reluctant Kev and squaw. Refuse to wait while they roll breakfast joint, bundle junkies quickly into back of car. Drive to Limoges, avert eyes from unseemly display of affection behind. Plug ears against heavy breathing. Almost drive into river when hear zips unzipping. Give them whirlwind tour of new campsite, local facilities etc. Should have been an estate agent really. “Cool,” Kev declares, scratches crotch, armpit, squaw’s hair. Hope my car seats don’t start scratching themselves.  “It’s a magical place, Kev, inhabited by the goddess, er….Vermina, cousin of Karma, mum of Sutra. But never reveal who gave you the nod, eh?” Wink conspiratorially. “Her favours are granted to a chosen few only.” Kev nods slowly, winks back. “Got it, goddess. The secret’s safe with me.”Drive them back to lake, advise move after dark. Vermina patron saint of night manoeuvres, inter alia.   12.15 Ayatollah venting steam from all orifices, thrusts huge real-state translation at me, for completion Wednesday morning. Americans on a buying spree again, ruining French property market for real English-speakers.  Leaf through post, spot tax bill, read same. Am outraged. “We work 60 hrs a week to be this poor?” Think it’s time to emigrate. 7 p.m. No gym, Arlette’s cold worse. Lounge lazily on grass after marathon weigh-in of GL Dieters. Average weight loss after 7 weeks is 12.72 kilos, x 24 Gazelles (28 original Michelle Tysons, minus 3 toujours-megaton drop-outs, megaton-but-pregnant-Martine) = 305.28 kgs. Wow. 4 Gazellesworth have vanished into thin air under raw veg regime. Hmm. Could call it The Great Vegime. TGV for short. Dieters a bit saggy round middle, would look disgusting in bikinis, but no longer apprentice Sumo wrestlers.  Arrange site meeting tomorrow morning, dinner Saturday evening at local low cuisine resto.  Tuesday Gemini 21 May – 20 June Legal matters may intrude again, but you will find a way to deal with them satisfactorily 5 a.m. Open shutters, feed cats. Boot coffee machine, eat 4 slices toast, 3 mini-Mars, banana. Have v. heavy day ahead. Horrid huge translation to finish, après-raver site clean-up to organise, Health & Safety refusal to resolve, etc. Open Fatal Throttling Near Limoges.doc. Only a few pp to go now! Apolline chewing pen, waits for fax from Paris police re Henri’s mysterious missing ex-fiancée. Sighs, decides to clean desk. Puts contents of drawers on table. Half Mars bar, 3 sticks gum (chewing variety, hedgehog flavour), water pistol, 14 boiled sweets (liquorice), apple core, mouldy clementine, packet of condoms. Eats Mars, sweets, chews gum. Fires pistol at dog (Huh? Where’d the dog come from? – Ed.) Reads condom instructions. Blushes. Best before 01/04/99. Looks at calendar. 22/05/05. Only bit out of date. Puts packet in handbag. Waste not, want not.Fax machine spewing out yards of paper. Rushes thereto. Scans through reams. Heart sinks, realizes all choices made now, no going back. Stands at window, watches passers-by passing by (all detectives do this just before dénouement). 8.30 Check Show grounds with Gazelles. All quiet except for million resident birds gossiping. Relieved cannabis plantation gone. Spend 3 hours removing 5 trillion empty bottles from lakeside. Dig holes, bury used condoms. Hope no little Kevins sprout.  Am forced to slave for rest of day to finish bloody American real-estate translation. Insert thousands of thereofs therein. Check through for typos. Is complete gobbledegook. Perfect.  Wednesday Gemini 21 May – 20 June Your sympathetic nature won’t necessarily be appreciated by all 9 a.m. Mr de Lionne on phone, sounds thlightly upset, plaintive even. Wails woefully re invasion of glorwious gween by undesiwables. “Weally? Oh God, how awful. You are in the wars. Think I saw them on the telly last week. Disgusting layabouts. Have you rung the police?” “Yeth, but they’re not interwested….” he moans. “ …they thay these…these perthons are not committing a cwime….” Tsk sympathetically.  ….nightly thex orgies….funny planth all over the gween….constant chanting….Vermina-something….” “You’re one of those bad things that happen to good things.” the Mad Mullah sniffs superciliously as I put down the phone. Really think he has attitude pwoblem.  Thursday Gemini 21 May – 20 June A good time for pursuing creative ideas, whether alone or with friends Some idiot left front door open all night. Cats, family of toads inhabiting kitchen. Move round latter carefully, not too well-versed in toad anatomy, but believe may make squelchy green mess if walked on. Feed cats, soon-to-be-star-novelist. Scribble quick list. Designer sunglasses for Hollywood (Intermarché). Elegant TV interview gear (Carrefour). Arrange removal of name from France Telecom directories (so one can henceforth be Anon.).  Boot laptop. Only 2pp left! “Henri de Villeneuve has not been seen all day,” says Madame Dinde, pursing thin lips disapprovingly. “No, Monsieur Martin isn’t here either. We’ve had to cancel lectures all over the place, disgraceful behaviour.” Apolline tries both lecturers on mobile, leaves messages. What now? she wonders….
  • SUBSCRIBE
  • ALREADY SUBSCRIBED?
Previous Article Le Retour
Next Article Nothing but the Best