Diary from Limousin 17

Monday Gemini. 21 May-20 June The moon in Scorpio in your 6th house. Midmorning the moon trines Saturn. Co-workers may seek your assistance. Give generously   4.30 Have been sweating over Proust’s welfare all night. Creep downstairs.   4.31 Squeeze past enormous outcrop of pine masquerading as bookshelf.  Have long nervous pee. Open tumble dryer. Close eyes; say prayer. Remove overpriced-tooled-leather-‘n-gold tome from within. Open eyes.   9.51 Am exhausted. Have spent 2 hours helping distressed spouse search house for some stupid book or other.   "Le Côté de Guermantes, you must have seen it. It’s.volume 3 of A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu, " he yells. "By Proust. You know, Marcel Proust…” Deny having heard of any Proust geezer, point out am bog Irish, only recently discovered Brendan Behan was not Mr Bean’s grandfather. Am literary blonde.   "…put it on the new shelf in the loo…"   Remind J. loo is an exclusively business area, not a holiday resort   Luckily, had presence of mind to remove own reading matter from beside book-drowning apparatus. After ridding bathroom of excess paper products v. early this morning. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried. Also thought J. might notice new miniature format, v. distressed leather etc.   12.00 Decide to cook moussaka to cheer J. up after puzzling disappearance of Proust antique thingy. Have promised to replace same with paperback version from Carrefour. Advise him not to keep same in wet areas. "Might fall into loo dear, if some unspecified person leaves mouth of said reservoir gaping." "Oh come on…have you any idea how big that book is?" I have. But I don’t think he has.   12.05 Cannot find potato peeler. Or cheese grater.12.06 Where is my gratin dish? Oh God. Suppose one day will have to Clean Kitchen.12.07 Turn off preheated oven. Read microwave instructions. Warning! Do not attempt to cook domestic animals herein. Hmm. Not without pricking them all over with fork, I suppose.12.38 Have defrosted homemade moussaka 14 times. Dials on machine decorated with incomprehensible symbols, like in maths book. 12.49 Serve mousecake.  Had to resort to heating same in saucepan, stirring to avoid burning. Eat cowpat very slowly.   7 p.m. Leap lithely round gymnasium with new resolve and purpose. Gazelles worthy of appellation at last. Gym Ms. smiles for first time in life.   8 p.m. L’Express scribblers hitting town on Thursday. "Five o’clock, here," Françoise orders. Le Point interview will probably be on Friday, yet to be confirmed. They’re hoping to ambush mayor, regional planning gods first.   Me too. Hmm. Maybe can make proposed conservatory next political hot potato.    Tuesday Gemini. 21 May-20 June The moon continues through Sagittarius. Unexpected problems force you to speak your mind to others about your goals.   7.30 Have bunked off writing assignment due to stressful life since Sunday night. Let cats in, ignore facetious mews re late breakfast hour, etc.8 a.m. Eat 2 croissants, drink whole pot of coffee. Bugger the cholesterol. 8.30 Ignore pathetic mews from J. re no coffee, no Proust. 9 a.m. Phone Mr Serre. Still no word re conservatory permit. Suspect Scumbag deliberately delaying permit for reasons best known to said sleazeball adulterer. Only solution full-frontal assault on planners.   10 a.m. Meet owner of bored, idle voice I spoke to on phone 10 days ago. Is acned youth, cluttering up expensive office space bankrolled by taxpayers. Could eat quartet of such minions for mid-morning snack.*******"Look, Barthéléme," reading his user-friendly ID badge, "just fetch Scu- er, Mr Arcy, so that Madame may quote the relevant sections of the Housing Code, and his breaches thereof."*******"Euh, it’s d’Arcy actually, Madame."   "Pleased to meet you Mr d’Arcy." Huh, not just Scumbag, but his poxy progeny too, making rod for taxpayer backs. Surely can’t be brother of Denise’s Paul? Bernadette said they only had one son. Still, d’Arcy Minion Jr. has got message, is knocking on panelled door yonder. Cross legs. Caffeine gallons filtering through plumbing system rather rapidly. Am sure I passed loos on way here. Will just go for quick leak.   "Mr d’Arcy is out." Turn back. Come face to face with Floozy Suzy. Huh, having affair with boss eh? How unimaginative. Would make hopeless novelist. Speaking of which, must remember to browse phone book for more character names.   See red. Use megatone usually reserved for deaf husbands. "Really? What a shame I missed him. And he’s missed the chance to explain himself before I go to the press, Mademoiselle er…"   "Luzt. Wanda Luzt." Gawd. Feel tinge of sympathy. Very slight, fleeting.   "Out again eh? At that special clinic, is he?" Wink knowingly, leer horribly. Notice doors opening, uncivil serpents slithering out of pits, abandoning coffee machines.Click fingers, clap hand to forehead. Raise voice a notch. Would have made great Shakespearian actress. Move in for kill.   "Hey…I knew I’d seen you somewhere before….at d’Arcy’s midweek retreat, hahaha! Taking down the boss’s er, dictation…hahaha! Actually, his wife’s a great friend of mine…I’ve told her sooo much about you….she’s dying to meet you when the gonorr- oops, when her infection’s cleared up."     WednesdayGemini. 21 May-20 June Mercury opposes Jupiter today. You’ve recently had unrealistic ideas about goals or projects. Try not to get too anxious. 5.15 a.m. V bad night, disturbing dreams. Am worried…
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