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Gemini. 21 May-20 June The moon in Scorpio in your 6th house. Midmorning the moon trines Saturn. Co-workers may seek your assistance. Give generously
4.30 Have been sweating over Proust’s welfare all night. Creep downstairs.
4.31 Squeeze past enormous outcrop of pine masquerading as bookshelf. Have long nervous pee. Open tumble dryer. Close eyes; say prayer. Remove overpriced-tooled-leather-‘n-gold tome from within. Open eyes.
9.51 Am exhausted. Have spent 2 hours helping distressed spouse search house for some stupid book or other.
"Le Côté de Guermantes, you must have seen it. It’s.volume 3 of A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu, " he yells. "By Proust. You know, Marcel Proust…”
Deny having heard of any Proust geezer, point out am bog Irish, only recently discovered Brendan Behan was not Mr Bean’s grandfather. Am literary blonde.
"…put it on the new shelf in the loo…"
Remind J. loo is an exclusively business area, not a holiday resort
Luckily, had presence of mind to remove own reading matter from beside book-drowning apparatus. After ridding bathroom of excess paper products v. early this morning. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.
Also thought J. might notice new miniature format, v. distressed leather etc.
12.00 Decide to cook moussaka to cheer J. up after puzzling disappearance of Proust antique thingy. Have promised to replace same with paperback version from Carrefour. Advise him not to keep same in wet areas. "Might fall into loo dear, if some unspecified person leaves mouth of said reservoir gaping."
"Oh come on…have you any idea how big that book is?"
I have. But I don’t think he has.
12.05 Cannot find potato peeler. Or cheese grater.
12.06 Where is my gratin dish? Oh God. Suppose one day will have to Clean Kitchen.
12.07 Turn off preheated oven. Read microwave instructions. Warning! Do not attempt to cook domestic animals herein. Hmm. Not without pricking them all over with fork, I suppose.
12.38 Have defrosted homemade moussaka 14 times. Dials on machine decorated with incomprehensible symbols, like in maths book.
12.49 Serve mousecake. Had to resort to heating same in saucepan, stirring to avoid burning. Eat cowpat very slowly.
8 p.m. L’Express scribblers hitting town on Thursday. "Five o’clock, here," Françoise orders. Le Point interview will probably be on Friday, yet to be confirmed. They’re hoping to ambush mayor, regional planning gods first.
Me too. Hmm. Maybe can make proposed conservatory next political hot potato.
Gemini. 21 May-20 June The moon continues through Sagittarius. Unexpected problems force you to speak your mind to others about your goals.
7.30 Have bunked off writing assignment due to stressful life since Sunday night. Let cats in, ignore facetious mews re late breakfast hour, etc.
8 a.m. Eat 2 croissants, drink whole pot of coffee. Bugger the cholesterol.
8.30 Ignore pathetic mews from J. re no coffee, no Proust.
9 a.m. Phone Mr Serre. Still no word re conservatory permit.
Suspect Scumbag deliberately delaying permit for reasons best known to said sleazeball adulterer. Only solution full-frontal assault on planners.
10 a.m. Meet owner of bored, idle voice I spoke to on phone 10 days ago. Is acned youth, cluttering up expensive office space bankrolled by taxpayers. Could eat quartet of such minions for mid-morning snack.
"Look, Barthéléme," reading his user-friendly ID badge, "just fetch Scu- er, Mr Arcy, so that Madame may quote the relevant sections of the Housing Code, and his breaches thereof."
"Euh, it’s d’Arcy actually, Madame."
"Pleased to meet you Mr d’Arcy." Huh, not just Scumbag, but his poxy progeny too, making rod for taxpayer backs. Surely can’t be brother of Denise’s Paul? Bernadette said they only had one son.
Still, d’Arcy Minion Jr. has got message, is knocking on panelled door yonder. Cross legs. Caffeine gallons filtering through plumbing system rather rapidly. Am sure I passed loos on way here. Will just go for quick leak.
"Mr d’Arcy is out." Turn back. Come face to face with Floozy Suzy. Huh, having affair with boss eh? How unimaginative. Would make hopeless novelist. Speaking of which, must remember to browse phone book for more character names.
See red. Use megatone usually reserved for deaf husbands.
"Really? What a shame I missed him. And he’s missed the chance to explain himself before I go to the press, Mademoiselle er…"
"Luzt. Wanda Luzt." Gawd. Feel tinge of sympathy. Very slight, fleeting.
"Out again eh? At that special clinic, is he?" Wink knowingly, leer horribly. Notice doors opening, uncivil serpents slithering out of pits, abandoning coffee machines.
Click fingers, clap hand to forehead. Raise voice a notch. Would have made great Shakespearian actress. Move in for kill.
"Hey…I knew I’d seen you somewhere before….at d’Arcy’s midweek retreat, hahaha! Taking down the boss’s er, dictation…hahaha! Actually, his wife’s a great friend of mine…I’ve told her sooo much about you….she’s dying to meet you when the gonorr- oops, when her infection’s cleared up."
Gemini. 21 May-20 June Mercury opposes Jupiter today. You’ve recently had unrealistic ideas about goals or projects. Try not to get too anxious.
5.15 a.m. V bad night, disturbing dreams. Am worried re brain wearing out prematurely. Can remember Sister Confuseus explaining in Form IV that brain cells do not regenerate. Forgot to ask her how many we start with, rate of degeneration etc.
5.45 Ignore wailing cats. Eat 2 Mars bars. Roll shoulders. Tell self off, all not lost. Bound to have some neurological assets left.
6 a.m. Am a little concerned plot integrity may be corrupted. Have skimmed through first 19 chapters for goofs, inconsistencies etc.
List rather long. Think maybe should resolve problems before hard work savaged by reviewers. Realise hyper-critical critics major downside to being novelist. Is very unfair. If they’re such cleverclogs, why aren’t they writing best-sellers too?
At least have great ending, really exciting, original. Hmm. Maybe easier to write novel backwards.
Gemini. 21 May-20 June The moon is in Capricorn in your 8th house. Recent progress on the home front takes a knock
Midday. J. gone for pre-prandial walk. Atmosphere less glacial since acquisition of new Proust nonsense.
Hear tractor drawing up outside. It’s Nicolas. Have mutual admiration session re France 3 broadcast over glass of Pineau. Has new girlfriend, as realizes Denise lost cause now.
12.20 "Well, suppose I’d better get going…" Reaches into pocket, thrusts grubby slip of paper into my hand, blushes. "Young Farmers had a whip-round….it’s for Limousin United…"
Am holding a cheque for €1000. Feels more like a million. Want to cry, hug wonderful young farmer instead. "Oh, you’re so sweet, Nicolas. I just love you."
12.21 Very good friend shakes hand of very pale spouse.
12.45 Eat sausages silently. Action completely misinterpreted again. Am 100% innocent for once. Is paranoid husband’s own fault for lousy timing. Have given up explaining that love is flexible term. As in love thy neighbour, for example.
5.30 V. satisfactory meeting with L’Express journalists. Gazelles polished interviewees now. Very proud of own contribution thereto. Mentioned sponsorship donations flooding in. Extremely hunky reporter telephoned boss in Paris for authorization, then wrote cheque for €10,000!!!
Promise the advertising earth. Or if Flower Show project not realized, luxury hol with Yours Truly.
Was only joking. Sort of.
8 p.m. Watch news. Questions in parliament re Limousin deprivation. Am pleased, but furious.
Why no interest until now? Where were all these people before? Delighted J-P Raffarin looking distinctly uncomfortable. Probably remembering all those Disgusted of Limousin e-mails he sent to trash.
Gemini. 21 May-20 June The moon continues through Capricorn. Decide what you want, and go for it! Financial news later in the day gives you food for thought
5 a.m. Open shutters. Cats very voluble this morning. At least someone talking to me.
Have pinned 3 aides-memoire to wall. Really mean people. With really serious character flaws. Motive, Means, Opportunity. Think I have them all in abundance.
Have reluctantly decided NY Novelist-Bully probably right all along. After all, has already slipped through net, is published author. Rich, famous.
Feel humbled. Slightly.
Very constructive literary session. Have resolved locus deficiencies. All murderees despatched in their university rooms. Will phone Patric this evening to arrange inspection of typical student accommodation.
2 p.m. Interview with Le Point journalists. Have learned to present best side for photos. Good practice for book-jacket sessions.
Mention sponsorship. Show rival scribblers cheque from L’Express.
Martine impressed, says I would make great fraudsperson.
Arrange to go to bank tomorrow, open Limousin United fighting fund. Opening balance €31,000.
Gemini. 21 May-20 June Venus squares Neptune today. You may travel to see loved ones with friends or in private.
9.15 Hannah on phone. She has secured summer job in Toulouse bank, is thrilled. Ask her to collect some free samples while she’s there. Tell her about large cheques burning hole in jeans of TV-personality-mother. Is appropriately impressed.
9.30 Open post. Give accountant’s letter to J.
Snort. Chuck junk mail. Am not unbalanced, do not need proven anti-anxiety, equilibrium-restoration pills. Special economy packs or otherwise.
9.35 Close doors, windows. Plug ears. Seems accountant has made slight error. Tax bill now twice sum Financial Wizard first thought of.
9.45 Escape to bank with swag. Am tempted to abscond long-term, use booty on extended luxurious cruise in the sun. Have retrieved anxiety pill literature from recycling bag. Think may know a potential consumer.
10 a.m. Open account at bank with Martine and Françoise. "How much is that in old francs?" Martine reluctantly drags eyes away from dosh, looks at schoolboy pretending to be personal banker. Young man blinks blankly. Is clueless. "Before his time, chérie" François says. "We’ve had new francs and euros since then."
"6.56 times 31,000 times 100, that makes …." Hmm. Think my mathematical cells have already keeled over. Have also run out of fingers.
"203,360,000," says boy wonder, quick as flash. Advise him to become TV personality. Make much more lucre than laundering slush funds and drugs money for next 40 years. Looks shocked. .
Gemini. 21 May-20 June Mars moves into Pisces in your 10th house for the next 2 months. You’ll be more assertive in relations with your boss, officials
6.15 Just as well have inspected typical locus for student murder. Nearly murdered student son when found missing potato peeler, cheese grater and Le Creuset gratin dish thereat. Still, have taken copious instructive notes. No need to dust for fingerprints for example. Natural patina thick enough to take plaster casts of footprints.
2 unwashed dinner plates in hand-basin (is either more slovenly than mother, or concealing girlfriend from mother).
Really fancy having shaft of sunlight shining on soiled sock slopes. Will require some imagination as too late to change setting to Provence. Will also have to virtually clean panes.
6.55 Means, opportunity, no real problem. Perp not old enough to have arthritic hands, no other physical impediment for strangulation activities. Opportunity easily arranged. Could make him early morning jogger for example (no technical sporty stuff to research).
Warms up with quick throttling, carries on down shady path as though nothing amiss. Voila.
Just another wild-eyed, sweaty runner with trembly legs, palpitations.
12.30 Martine phones, depressed re loss of 1.5 kilos in 3 weeks. Wants to lose same number of tons in half the time. “The older I get, the tougher it is. I reckon my body and my fat are really good friends now. Got any ideas?”
Feel like early man faced with wheel challenge. ‘Um…raw veg? Celery? Takes more calories to eat raw celery than it contains…And water. Remarkably low in calories.” Promise to come round later and help work something out.
And find out more re all these village affaires d’amour. Perhaps can pick up some tips, toy boy phone numbers etc.