If Only He Were French

As thoughts of Valentine’s Day seductively danced in my head, I couldn’t help thinking about my own true love, Eric the Irrascible.  Now don’t get me wrong, Eric and I have been through a lot together and I love Eric with all my heart, but to be honest….sometimes he drives me absolutely NUTS.  So as the holiday of love and romance approached and as I began to think about my Eric vs. other similar creatures who inhabit the earth, I couldn’t help wondering…what if he were French? Take for example a couple of weeks ago.  I had an especially hard day at work and was exhausted, but I was also famished.  So we went to dinner at my favorite neighborhood Japanese restaurant, La Belle Tempura, and, just as I was raising a luscious raw piscine morsel to my lips, Eric cried out “What is it about sushi you like?  It’s so slimy and disgusting.”  Sigh.  I was too tired to do anything but give him “the look”.  But…just think about it.  If he were French, he would never have done that to me.  Instead, he would have looked deeply into my eyes and said “What ees eet about sushee you like, mon amour?  Eet ees so slimy and deesgusteeng.” I mean…wow.  Doesn’t that just knock your socks off? Or, in a different example, the other week Eric sat down next to me on the sofa while I was watching my favorite TV program.  There we were, side by side, enjoying the show with just our thighs and arms touching.  And then, as if directed by other-wordly passion, he bent toward me, his warm breath brushing  my ear as I heard the words “You’re hogging the remote control, babe.”  Now, NO Frenchman would do that.  Especially under those circumstances.  A Frenchman would nuzzle my neck and whisper “Cherie.  You are hoggeeng zee remote control.”  See what I mean? This got me thinking.  Why can’t Eric be more French?  Would it kill him to make me happy?  So I had a talk with him. “Honey,” I tentively broached the topic.  “Have you ever thought about acting more…well…French?” “You mean you want me to go on strike?  Why would I want to do that?” “No.  I just want you to be more romantic and debonaire.” “Deb-o-naire?” Eric articulated the word distastefully. “After a hard day’s work I have to be debonaire?  Isn’t just being awake enough?” “Don’t you want to make me happy, sweetie?” Eric raised his eyebrow.  (He is cleverly able to do just one with a different slant depending on the nuance.)  “Excuse me?  Who took you out to dinner at YOUR favorite restaurant when you were tired – even though I hate squirmy food.  And who let you watch YOUR favorite TV shows while sitting lovingly at your side?  Was it some French guy or was it me?” “Now don’t get mad,” I countered wondering if that eyebrow would ever go back to normal again.  “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  It’s just that French men are…so…well…you know.  I don’t know how to explain it.” “Well, chere amie.  Let me explain it.  I work with a French guy who proudly tells me how he keeps his woman in line.  And when she gains a few, he doesn’t just say “that’s more to hug” (eyebrow now meanigfully arched).  No, ma petite chou.  He just hands her the health club membership card and points to the door.  Is that what you mean by being more French?” “Well, no…” Eric was on a roll now.  His voice was getting louder.  “And no matter how wrong he is, he has never said those three little words every woman longs to hear ‘I’m sorry honey!’  I mean…that’s almost my mantra!” “But…but…”  My eyes were puddling. At that point, Eric smiled, took me in his arms, looked deep into my eyes and melted my heart…“I’m sorry, honey.”  What can I say?  When Valentine’s Day came around, Eric the Remarkable went out of his way and then some.  Not only did he buy me luscious French chocolates and shower me with tasty hugs and kisses, but he also made me a scrumptious breakfast in bed.  “French Toast weeth fries” as he put it. I mean…who needs a French man when I have Eric? What’s the real story?  Could American men learn a thing or two from the French?  Or is the image of the sexy, romantic French man just a myth?  What do you think?  We’d like to hear your experiences and will report back to you on what you tell us.