Diary From Limousin

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MondayGemini. 21 May-21 June You will encounter problems today at home and/or at work. Take a deep breath and avoid the temptation to rant and rail at those around you.  New bathroom towel rail not working. Temperature akin to that in outskirts of Vladivostok Still, less stressful than the last bathroom problem. System guaranteed for 10 years. Only one twentieth expired. Call heating company. Am unnaturally polite until facetious male advises plugging rail into electric socket. Has Madame actually been to Vladivostok? No Monsieur, but have foul temper and good imagination. Will see what he can do. Swears will ring back. Prochainement. Wonder whether this means s-o-o-n as in dictionary. Have been scratching poor knee since Saturday evening. Now covered in gigantic pustules.  Smallpox perhaps. More like hugepox. Call physio. Pascal slightly unnerved by complaining spotty-kneed foreigner. Is reaction to anti-inflammatory cream. Not uncommon in people like me. Do not understand what that means. Use Nivea cream as suggested. Would prefer large award of damages to fund extended vacation in Seychelles.  John says we cannot sue everyone and would I please get back to being his unpaid, undervalued ace translator. Am ordered to continue appalling real-estate document by said unreasonable spouse. Spend hours ploughing through legal nonsense for benefit of rich Americans. Only 20 pages to go. Notice endless blather about bathrooms with heated towel rails. As in heat emanating therefrom. Imagine. 12.30    Call heating contractors. Closed for lunch. Please leave message. Decide not to vent spleen before lunch. Not really sure where spleen located, but venting surely bad for digestion. .12.31    Gizmo and Whinge staring each other out on kitchen windowsill. Do not think these cats are best friends. Let Gizmo in and tell Whinge to go home. Add have given up being unpaid slave, so no lunch. He whinges silently through double-glazing. 12.32    Tell John am too busy with rich Americans’ heated towel rails to make lunch. 12.42  Lunch is served. Looks suspiciously like tinned choucroute garni. Dislike choucroute, garni or otherwise. Eat same as am polite and famished. Drink large quantities of Bordeaux between forkfuls to help grim feast on way. Seem to sail through real-estate after lunch. Except now have bathrooms fitted with cheated trowel wails, products of Bordeaux. Hope no one will notice. TuesdayGemini. 21 May-21 June  Your difficulties may seem insurmountable but relief will come towards the end of the week. Be patient. Do not be drawn into arguments – your views may not be well-received. Watch your diet. 9.00 Call heating contractors. Same facetious male. Suggests Madame brings rail to warehouse for exchange. Grit icy teeth and remind him of guarantee. He’ll ring back. Bientôt. Resolve to delegate next bathroom problem. Or emigrate. 11.45 Am chatted up by two charming men at physio’s. Both about 80. Better than nothing. Swap knee notes with fellow sufferers. Feel revalued as person. Spotty knees all round. Mine much admired. Older wrinkly even gets out spectacles for closer look.  Pascal reassuring re erupting knee. Is normal Madame. Puts more spot-inducing cream on said knee. Plugs me into wall socket and leaves me to simmer for 30 mins.  Drift off to sleep again. Physio not doing knee any damned good but super-relaxing. Am catching up on years of sleep Hope not snoring, farting etc. 12.20 Am unplugged. Pascal tells me my condition is Footballer’s knee. Hmm. Must have watched too many Arsenal matches. Will be more careful in future. 12.45 Prepare lunch. Ostrich steaks bought by John, a culinary thrill-seeker. Am conservative but persuaded.  After all only XXL chicken. Fry/grill one min each side. Serve in natural juices.  Am dubious but follow instructions to letter.  Serve said flesh with broccoli banned by John last week. Natural juices known as magenta in printer circles. Wonder if beast actually dead. Eat cooked edges. John blathers on about meat properly bleu for once. Would have made excellent caveman. Feel am not cut out to be cave woman. Donate rest of haemorrhaging animal to John. Spend afternoon checking real-estate document with spousal slave-driver. He spots excess of cheated trowel wails and is annoyed. Shouting clearly side-effect of bloody meat. Offer my resignation. Will take up new career as duster-flicker, potato-peeler etc. Damn. Resignation refused. At least can kiss goodbye to real-estate nightmare. Will take prospective purchasers whole vacation fortnight to read rental agreement.  Still, have picked up beaucoup d’American. Can now speak two foreign languages Go to village gym club. Gossip with fellow downtrodden Gazelles. Is more therapy than exercise until teacher arrives. Gazelles bent, stretched, drawn, quartered. Plus bas, Madeleine, plus bas. Cannot go plus bloody bas. Have sick, poxy knee.  WednesdayGemini. 21 May-21 June Don’t hesitate to be blunt today, but be clear in the signals you give others. Take some time off this evening. Indulge your creative talents. 9.00 Give Last Chance to facetious male at towel rail company. Am lame, depressive consumer losing extremities due to frostbite etc. Slam phone down. Big human rights document to translate. Freedom of speech, movement etc. John claims he needs help or will not finish by ridiculously short deadline. Point out am no-good translator. Remember cheated trowel wails dear. Dictator claims no right to strike in document. Midday. Prepare normal, safe lunch. Escalope de dinde with salad. And Perrier. Cannot risk freedom of spovement, meech or spikes.  John says turkey not real meat. Tell him to find new housekeeper/translator-slave. Do quick calculation in razor-sharp brain. Point out have cooked 21,600 meals for him and family since wedding day. Eat lunch with silent caveman.
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