Diary from Limousin: Part 7

Diary from Limousin: Part 7
MondayGemini 21 May-21 June An unexciting day for Geminis seeking thrills, but entertainment may come from unlikely quarters 5 a.m. More bloody snow. Open shutters, admit Gizmo and Whinge before screaming wakes hamlet. Cats shake, prattle and roll on clean floor. Change out of snow-splattered nightie, socks, woolly hat, gloves. Feel like one of God’s frozen people. 5.15 Make coffee. Resolve to give up smoking. Next week.5.16 Merde. No cat food. Put cats back outside. 5.32 Start computer. Open future Blockbuster by P. Turner. Notice lousy detectives getting nowhere. Good. Have discovered through in-depth research that it takes at least 291 pp to expose killers. Do not tell murder squad I know whodunnit. Bawl out incompetent men. V. good for morale. Mine, I mean. 5.36 Perhaps is right moment to flesh out dramatis personae while house-to-house enquiries in progress. Perp dead easy, absolute swine. Decide better not call him Scumbag-d’Arcy. Is plausible character, therefore will confound investigators for while longer. Have now done 35.5 pp. Only 255.5 to go. 8.30 Make large pot of porridge. Try to listen to radio while John recites trivia from Reader’s Digest. Do not believe that cats reduce their owner’s blood pressure. Do not wish to know that humans cannot lick their own elbows.Roads blocked north of Limousin. More snow on way.  God suffering extreme boredom since Jan. 10.  Notice ungrateful cats leave their porridge. 9.15 Stock up at Intermarché. Shelves, shop almost empty. Fill boot with essentials. Cat poison, porridge, whiskey, chocolate, high-energy biscuits. 10.30 Read bank statement, bills. Beastly’s Bank charges going up by 10%. Why do bills travel through post system at twice speed of cheques? Maybe R. Digest has answer. Courtyards SARL sends urgent appeal judgment to translate. My #1 favourite. Love reading about misfortune of others. 2pm Have done 4.75 pp. of appeal. Am d’accord with way decision moving. Glad French judges seem able to interpret / understand law. Will email compliments to nice Mr Raffarin.   7.30 No Gym/admin/story/story/18150/ tonight. Spend 35 mins pedalling with Queen in bedroom. Cover only 2.61 kms, due to weather conditions. Cannot understand why F. Mercury was so keen on cycling.  Poor man obviously never discovered thrills of dusting, ironing etc TuesdayGemini 21 May-21 June Do not dwell on romantic possibilities, your expectations may prove to be unrealistic 4.45 Open Blockbuster. Have dimwits for policemen. Not convinced they can expose killer in next 254 pp. Call Pathologist. Rude, abrupt man.  Gives spurious excuse re autopsy delay.  Mortuary full of accident victims due to icy road conditions   Point out book is set in late spring heat wave. 5 a.m. Still not sure have blown away murderee convincingly   Have checked with P. Cornwell, but seems Virginia has dearth of Perrier-bottle skull-crushing cases. Perhaps slow strangulation best after all. Will avoid tricky technical subjects like blood spray, analysing brain blobs etc. Stick to what you can copy from others. 8.30 Breakfast. Wonder why have not heard from Denise. Maybe she & Edouard have eloped to Las Vegas. Maybe will return flashing huge rock on finger. Denise, not Ed. 9.50 Arrive 20 mins late for physio, after struggle through N. Scandinavia. Pascal irritatingly cheerful after skiing hols. Refuse further application of Ebola cream to knee as per instructions from infant surgeon. Or will sue physio for millions. No problem, Madame. Is time for some muscle-toning. Great. P. has got message. 10.30 Am in urgent need of heart-lung transplant. Have cycled 2901 kms over Pyrenees. Noticed name of bike when P. unnecessarily turned up pedal tension. Hope Terminator a joke. 12.30 Make dough and raisin effigy of physiotherapist. Find sewing basket in attic. Dust same. Stab effigy repeatedly. Hope oesophageal parts of Pascal now being ripped on razor-sharp cattle bone. Make lunch. 1.45 Denise phones. Will call in tonight to give lowdown re blind date with Edouard. Notice voice slightly wobbly. Must have been heavy, emotional experience 2 pm.  Start translating annual accounts for Midas Illuminations SA.  CEO’s statement downbeat. Light at end of tunnel turned off due to budget cuts, blah blah.  Profit margin up only 14.01%. 3pm.  Cannot concentrate.  Dying to hear from Denise re Executive Ed. Grope-by-grope account of candlelit expense-account dinner-after-opera. Check in paper. No opera this week. Albanian accordion ensemble at Palais.  Guadeloupian steel-band-avec-limbo-dancers at Cultural centre. Hmm. Make tea. Eat 3 high-energy biscuits. Read ingredients: 50% cholesterol, 49% diabetes, 1% colouring. At last EU making an effort to reduce all those nasty E-numbers. Back to Profit & Loss account. Heartened to note huge increase in corporate translation fees. Read footnote re same. Extraordinary expense. From 2005, will be outsourced to Togo. Down tools in protest. When in Rome, etc. Read paper. Leaf through property pp. Hm. Bijou cottage. Quiet location. No neighbours. Inflated price. Looks vaguely familiar. Just like Château de Scumbag next door. No neighbours, though. Will check tomorrow, as still blizzarding. 7 pm Denise due soon. Find some cognac to celebrate. Only 3-star, but has matured in kitchen cupboard for 2 weeks.  Ban John from salon, as is girl talk, dear.  J. grumpy. Wants to watch quiz show. Tell him to read encyclopaedia instead. Not in loo please. 7.30 Denise v. emotional, crying. Mop up puddle, hand her hefty…
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