Diary from Limousin – Part 6

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Diary from Limousin – Part 6
MondayGemini 21 May – 21 June Make the most of today – you may not feel quite so sunny tomorrow. Look before you leap tonight 5 a.m. Wake up coffee machine. Do not understand how anyone can gurgle at this hour. Boot up laptop. Sip coffee. Snack on fingernails. Smoke fag. N,jhnjhhh. Remove Gizmo from keyboard. Curse illiterate cats. Maybe change murder modus. Get bread knife from kitchen and describe same. Voila! Dead easy. Put knife in perp’s pocket. Merde. Too long. Makes hole in pocket. Still, have a kitchen full of murder weapons. Hm. Potato peeler. Soup ladle. Jelly mould. Not convinced any will puncture vital organs. Smoke fag. Drink gallons of Perrier. Eureka! Am struck by blinding flash. It’s John switching on kitchen light. Whack murderee on head repeatedly with Perrier bottle. Will not fit into pocket but doesn’t matter. Wipe fingerprints from bottle. Throw into handy recycling bin. Run away. Allow perp sufficient time to get back to bed, concoct alibi, etc. Have breakfast. Feel v. fulfilled. First major plot hurdle surmounted. And no e-mails today from transatlantic bully-author. Probably too busy stealing my plot ideas. 8 p.m. No gym tonight. Tootle off to Save Our Services meeting, resplendent in Ireland rugby shirt under goat coat. Just to emphasize who’s boss on rugby field these days. Exchange high fives with Gazelles. Village gymnasts clearly in vanguard of civil disobedience movement. Notice side tables bending under weight of bottles and grub. Huh. Bribing the natives. Gossiping groups litter floor. Podium empty. No sign of imminent kick-off. 9. p.m. Horrified to see Neighbour-Scumbag at top table with local cabinet ministers. Mayor thanks everyone. Is mystery to me, as nothing yet done/said. Introduces council members and nasty neighbour. Is not called Scumbag at all, but d’Arcy. Doesn’t look anything like Colin Firth. Arsy-d’Arcy is regional under-boss of rural planning. Supposedly helping us find solutions to Limousin brain drain, blah blah. Wonder whether mayor knows about his buddy’s attempted drowning of nice neighbour’s cat. /admin/story/story/18150/Would he sup with devil if he knew, etc. Sleazeball-d’Arcy drones interminably re potential grants from region, government, Europe, the World. To fund any projects eventually adopted. Eventually? Eyes drift temporarily from booze to speaker as I jump up. John buries head in hands. I point out that La Poste planning closure next month. Perhaps would be appropriate to find solution tout de suite. The tooter the sweeter even. Am heartened by almost audible cheer from fellow Gazelles. Notice J. engaging in commando crawl towards exit “Chère Madame.” Lying bastard. “La Poste has granted us a reprieve,” Smarmy-d’Arcy says triumphantly. Mayor glares at him. Was clearly his line. Prime Minister’s own fault for not keeping me updated. Notice Scumbag-smile really faux, like shark’s. 11 p.m. Start on booze, nosebags etc Have spent 2 hours listening to podium inhabitants outlining conspicuous lack of solutions Am depressed, thirsty. TuesdayGemini 21 May – 21 June You may feel a little out of sorts today. If so, do nothing Wish I hadn’t helped Gazelles empty bottles before disposal in recycling bin. Think that’s where we put them. Vital organs intact, but someone upstairs using jackhammer. Resolve to avoid mayoral wine in future. Is cow-growing, not wine-growing, area after all. Will suggest beef tea for next meeting. 9.30 Have 2-aspirin breakfast. Rd txt mssge frm Denise. Mst CU asap. Will ring her later. If i stll in lnd of lvng. Midday Tell J. it’s DIY lunch. Prepare big glass of water and 2 aspirins. Gizmo and Whinge sleeping quietly in corner. Or perhaps is v. large piece of fluff. 2 p.m. Nearly cancelled appt. with Vile Véronique, but have decided kneading just what I need. Tell bearded lady she is world’s #1 masseuse. Notice new hairy hillock on V.V.’s chin. 9 p.m. Have forsaken alcohol for life. Update will. Bequeath debts to children. Gizmo to John. Whinge to whoever owns him. Fall into sack. WednesdayGemini 21 May – 21 June You find yourself gradually getting back into the swing of life today, your persuasive powers to the fore 8 a.m. Will resume writing best-seller tomorrow. Stomach stable, but feel sight of blood, attending autopsy, etc, might retard recovery. 9.30 Phone Denise. Give her details of promising 35-yr-old-loaded-executive-on-wheels. D. not as thrilled as I expected but will drop in this evening to discuss. Midday Make cleansing salad for lunch. J. muttering re sub-zero temperatures, rabbit food etc. Do not understand. Thought rabbits ate in summer, hibernated in winter. Poor J. Hope is not losing marbles. 2 p.m. J. has accepted frightful translation from Tourist Office in region have never heard of. “Exactly,” he says, “the place needs promoting. Besides, it’s a private job – jam on le pain.” Point out we are legal/financial experts. “Tourism,” J. says irritatingly, “is temporary relocation”. Am in unknown villages with half-finished châteaux. Can understand owners abandoning region in 15th C. Struggle womanfully with 100-yr war. Am running out of superlatives.Am sure I cycled through same rolling hills 2pp back. Get up. Stretch. Stub toe on mountain of thesauri. 5 p.m. Abandon dull landscape dotted with damp cottages. Make tea. 5.20 Hurray! Have persuaded J to agree principle of eco-friendly conservatory. Free heat from all that glass, dear. Greenhouse effect. Okay, will take lifetime to defray cost, but is our legacy to next generation etc.Am thrilled. Is like winning Parents’ Egg-and-Spoon race at Eton. Ring nice man at tasteful conservatory co. with good news. He will call Saturday am to measure up. 5.30 New spring in fingers as go back to historically-important housing with pretty window boxes. Hmm. And have glimmer of idea for Saving Our Village. 9 p.m. Show Doubting Denise exciting profile of…
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