Diary from Limousin Part 23

MondayGemini 21 May-20 June Only when it is much too late, Gemin, will you grasp the significance of today’s insignificant events 5.10 Not entirely sure why one has cats. Gizmo has taken to vomiting regularly each morning. And then smiling as though one is supposed to clap. Advise a change of rodent diet, find a new owner etc. 5.17 Open Fatal Throttling Near Limoges.doc. Am confident title alone will cause thriller to jump off bookstands into hands of panting public. Melamine still wittering re Henri, is delving into his file. Parents died suddenly in car crash. Brake failure, possible tampering therewith, but no concrete evidence as to perp. Questioned young Henri at the time. Poor man. Loses his family, and then gets put through the grinder. Huge inheritance clearly no compensation for his personal tragedy. Listen to this, Melamine breathes breathlessly. (Eh? – Ed.)Listen, it says here…’Henri de Villeneuve was shifty and evasive in interview. Investigating officer believes eyes set far too close together, looks typical oddball. Believes subject has psychopathic tendencies.  Admitted pulling wings off flies when young.’ Honestly. Ap. takes Melamine to task. What use flies to anyone? He was doing society a favour.  Anyway, who says he looks like an oddball? Er, the investigating officer, boss. A Capitaine Clouseau. 10 a.m. Check emails. WunderTrans have sent translation for estimate. Open attachment. 20,000 words of quality control nonsense. Snort. Have already resolved to avoid quality for rest of life. Think of reasonable sum. Multiply by 3. Send estimate. 10.25 Take quick trip to infant botanic gardens. Have to park on road, car park full of TV vans. At least offending corpse has removed itself. Site swarming with earnest young scientists in beards and sandals giving interviews. Hmm. Think we should issue press release ourselves, do not think destructive storms, discarded bodies the kind of publicity we need. 7 p.m. Martine not at gym. Pump Yveline, Françoise for news.“Says…she…feels…constantly…bloated,” Françoise gasps as we do reluctant warm-up run. “merde…I think…she’s…just…a…bit…depressed…you know,  about the…mon dieu, diet…She’s…under…the…doctor…right now…” Good God. Village becoming veritable sex playground, but have no puff left to comment thereon. Besides, Gym Ms. Arlette watching class troublemakers like hawk. But something in furthest reaches of temporarily-atrophied-superbrain sounding l/admin/story/story/18024/ittle alarm bells. Will drop round to see Martine in the morning.   TuesdayGemini 21 May-20 June The moon squares Pluto this morning. Watch out for emotional manipulation, don’t let others push your buttons 8 a.m. Even the English radio has an item on the storms. Worried about their Booze from Bergerac obviously. Fortunately, our own little weather contretemps got just 3.5 seconds of undesirable publicity on TF1. Main news being a banned rave party in some heavily-EU-subsidized farmer’s field somewhere in back of beyond. Let the ravers rave is my motto. “Poor infants have nowhere to have their head-banging festivals.”“You wouldn’t say that if they were raving in the field opposite at 3 a.m.,” the Imam mumbles through his muesli.“They’re not going to come here, this is Limousin, remember?” 9.30 Visit pale, wan Martine. Doctor due shortly, she sobs. Give her tea and sympathy, plump pillows (although never sure of reason therefor), look around for magazine not devoted to body weight matters. Research interrupted by same nosy adolescent doctor I was forced to see few weeks ago. Enquires re my new low-fat lifestyle. Lie creatively, is one of my major talents. 10 a.m. Let cholesterolführer out, dash upstairs for verdict.  Martine staring fixedly at ceiling. I fear the worst. “I’m five and a half months pregnant,” she wails. Not 100% sure whether congrats or commiserations in order. “Uh-huh. More tea, perhaps?” Suffer 20 minutes emotional bloodletting before Martine gives up, exhausted. Rashly promise to have heart-to-heart talk with Jerome. 11 a.m. John dancing at front door. Recognise steps, have participated in many war dances down the years. “WunderTrans say you accepted another merdy-merdy quality thingy,” he splutters. “….you’re mad, Mad.” Do not engage in battle for once, still in shock over zooming Limousin birth rate, new agony aunt status.  WednesdayGemini 21 May-20 June An excellent day for Geminis embroiled in legal matters, but make the most of it Get all dolled up in non-denim gear for ridiculous Huntin’ etc Association hearing at Palais de Justice in Limoges. Promise Ayatollah ace colleague will be back soon to resume appalling quality control doc. Drive off, praying for month-long hearing, empty courtroom bench for surreptitious kips.Spend 30 mins driving around said metropolis in ever-increasing circles seeking parking space. 9.30 Courtroom overflowing. Pews full of wicked hunters, reporters. Floor full of loud lawyers with fur fragments attached to robes. Think France only country in world where lawyers wear dead cats on their shoulders. Give our own mouthpiece quick lecture re law, tactics etc, slip into bench between mayor and Bernie.  12.30 Hurray! Excessively boring debate enlivened by excellent result. Judge has awarded us €5,000 damages, given nasty hunters good telling off re interfering with local government, business initiatives, defenceless women etc. French justice toujours alive and well. Our lawyer even offers me job. Reject same with trademark modesty. Talk to reporters, give triumphant TV interviews with Bernie, mayor. 7p.m.Have suffered hours of tedious sermons re dereliction of duty etc. Point out importance of this latest victory for Limousin Liberation Front. LLF can now take world by storm. Flower Show site cleared of interfering palaeontologists, pathologists, jealous hunters etc.  Thursday Gemini 21 May-20 June An intriguing contact will serve you well in the future when life will be less rosy Check Loto results. Not that one is desperate to give up all work, lie on li-lo in own pool, give cook, gardener, chauffeur and husband orders while extracting fluff from navel etc. Just cannot understand why the…
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