Diary from Limousin Part 22

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MondayGemini May 21 to June 20  Something isn’t quite right with you today. It’s possible that even you do not know why   5 a.m. Leap out of bed, do 100 sit-ups, shower, throw myself into chair of modern literature, start tapping final chapters of Fatal Throttling in Limoges (now definitive title).   Of course I didn’t do that. Actually: fell out of sack trying to escape horrid pinging clock, broke toenail on v. elderly lump of fluff on landing,  threw cold water on face, asked person in bathroom mirror what right NY bully-novelist-mentor has upsetting my biological clock.   6 a.m. Have not written single word. Am sulking and/or on strike. Too many people expecting too much of one. Besides, cannot think of anything to write, inspiration account heavily overdrawn. Think will have another breakfast, listen to Phil Collins CD.   7 p.m. Am collared by melancholy Martine prior to gym torture. Complains she’s put on the 4 kilos she lost plus 2 more, even though following GL Diet faithfully. Am baffled, damned if I know what to say. Do not agree she may be permanently fat slob, advise her to use different weighing device. Assure her mine is pathological liar.   8 p.m. Persuaded Martine to have GL Diet After photos taken with other rapidly-reducing Gazelles. Must say effects of diet very noticeable now (obviously with exception of Martine, future maman of elephant sextuplets).  Have brought own refreshment doggie bag. Apple, banana, mini Mars.  Replace lost kilos while listening to insurance debate.  “Mayor’s moaning about the extra cost…told him he can’t have his gâteau and eat it….”“…must insure against heavy snow, hailstorms etc,” per Yveline, Gazelle weather representative. Have noticed she is inclined to be bit hysterical where elements concerned. Eventually agree minimum list of potential disasters, level of cover etc. Bernadette will arrange contract tomorrow.    Tuesday Gemini May 21 to June 20 You’ll spend some time with an intelligent friend today, someone you can really learn from   5.45 Cats lounging nose to tail on windowsill, watching 2 hares size of aardvarks disputing WBA title on lawn. Well, might be lawn if one cut sward with mower instead of machete. Make coffee, eat 3 pots fat-free rhubarb yoghurt. Mars bars winking at one from shelf, ignore same. Get thee behind me Cholesterol-Satan.   6.15 Open precious best-seller file. Have multiple backups of same inhabiting handbag, kitchen, car, garden shed etc. Think have covered most potential insurance disasters, with poss. exception of nuclear attack. Still, if Limousin nuked, can always ask Famous NY Novelist to return emailed chapters.  Apolline decides Martin must be investigated further. Gets out Suspect No. 1 file. Educated in Paris. Huh. Doctor father, lawyer mother, both rabid socialists. Huh. Privileged bourgeoisie.  Martin plays in rock band The Dirty Socks.  Well, that says it all doesn’t it? Clearly immature, screw loose somewhere. Thinks he can get away with murder down here in Limousin.  Noted womaniser, but no current girlfriend. Plays tennis, squash, golf. Aha. Plays latter in small village outside Limoges, world-famous for its annual flower show. Grabs handbag, mobile phone, stupid partneress Melamine. We’re taking a trip to the country, pardner.   7 p.m. Capture historic moment on film as first shrubs placed in ground. Babette using cine camera, Ys Truly with digital job. Plantes Alors and Jardin des Rêves nurseries sharing mini-digger to make holes for plants, agricultural students as slave labour. Must say they have provided fine specimens, shrubs and trees good size, garden already looks half-mature.  Teenage Zen garden super after first stage of planting. Apparently may even be finished by end of week if weather holds. “One is very clever,” Babette says, hugging me. Agree, not 100% sure which one she is referring to, but assume it’s me.    Wednesday Gemini May 21 to June 20 Clouds are gathering on the horizon. Your chickens are not ready to hatch   Françoise phones. Mayor lucky recipient of threatening letter from local huntin’ shootin’ fishin’ association. Said cretins blathering re Show site being part of traditional killing fields. Snort into receiver. “Yeah, I know chérie,” Françoise sighs. “I don’t like hunters either.”“Huh. That lot couldn’t catch a cold. And what’s there to shoot? Worms, salamanders, toads, a few elderly rabbits….these people make me sick….should stick to their usual prey.”“Other hunters, you mean?” Françoise laughs. Apparently they want an assurance from the mayor that their seigniorial rights will continue.Snort. “Bollocks. Don’t they read the news? The Revolution happened 2 centuries ago, France got rid of its aristos. We only have Sheiks now.”“Oui ,chérie,. But they want an answer within 8 days, or they’ll sue, stop the Show going ahead.”  Merde.    Thursday Gemini May 21 to June 20 The energy of the full moon kicks in today. Tread carefully, storms loom   8 p.m. Go to Guillotine-All-Hunters meeting at Mairie, armed with Code Civil.  Give Mayor good talking to, point out cannot have lunatic yokels roaming future public garden with lethal weapons, the law is on our side etc. Quote relevant sections of Code Civil, everyone impressed, even me. “Tell them to take a running jump, Bernard. Anyway, it’ll take at least 10 years to come to court if they’re stupid enough to sue. Stand up for your constituents for once,” look him in the eye. “Do what they say, Bernard.” Know very well he is hunter himself, but do not care. Man has…
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