Diary from Limousin Part 2

Diary from Limousin Part 2
Monday Gemini. 21 May-21 June You may imagine yourself under attack from more than one quarter today. Try to remember that people have your best interests at heart.Shave off forest of hair on legs after breakfast. Have appointment with knee surgeon, a young bully of about 18. Neither of us pleased with my progress after op in November. He thinks I’m slacking. I think he left pair of scissors in my knee, but do not say so as I am coward. “Does this hurt, Madame?” Tries to twist leg off at knee. “Must try harder, Madame.” Think he tried hard enough. Prescribes 20 sessions of torture with physio. After scraping me off ceiling. Prefer tree surgeons to knee surgeons.Midday. Hobble round kitchen preparing lunch. Discuss prosecution for grievous bodily harm against knee surgeon with John. Decide on second opinion. Ring doctor daughter. Claims she knows nothing about legs, but to let her know if I have major kidney problem. Hang up. Mutter get even, die in debt while rewriting will.Will call physio tomorrow. Or next month. Find arctic supplies in car. Chocolate, whiskey, candles and batteries have been freezing and thawing for more than a week. Chocolate grey and misshapen. Will give to knee surgeon as mark of esteem. John insists I forget knee and remember translations. More satisfying to sulk, but start dutifully on distribution agreement for ice-cream to Morocco.7 p.m. Go to gym. Try to persuade my friend Jane to come. Says she is getting all the exercise her elbow needs, pretending gin and tonic is dumbbell. Greet fellow Gazelles and exercise jaws. Spoilsport teacher calls us to order. Is suspiciously-fit 60 year old bully, almost certainly grandmother of knee surgeon. Start warm-up. Others manage to continue conversations while running. French permanently infected with verbal diarrhoea. Gazelles transformed into panting rhinos after 5 minutes. Run, stop, stand on one leg with arms out. Supposed to improve balance or something. Position myself close to chair. Merde. Granny has spotted me. No cheating Madeleine! Feel persecuted, but struggle through hour of bending, stretching and farting very bravely. Resume vocation of couch potato chez moi. Have triple whiskey to recover.TuesdayGemini. 21 May-21 June Things are never quite as bad as you imagine.  Get more sleep if possible. Try to forget the obstacles other people seem to put in your path.Linger longer over breakfast than is decent. All muscles like planks thanks to infant prodigy surgeon and granny. Decide to be positive. Call physio in hope he can unbend me. He is badly infected with verbal diarrhoea, Limousin variance. Stutters, so takes ten minutes to arrange afternoon appointment.9.30 Make fortnightly call to door company. Remind patron politely that doors and windows ordered 9 months ago. “In a week, for sure.” Put phone down. Wonder which week he means. Ring surfacing company in village. Remind patron politely that new drive ordered 8 months ago. “Don’t worry, we’ll be there soon.” Know soon is movable feast in Limousin. Perhaps I need therapist to treat unreasonable expectations. Return to desert ice-creams.2.30  Physiotherapist is young man called Pascal. Blushes as I give him knee lowdown while undressing. Obviously has never been in ladies’ changing room at Queen’s Club. Remember reading somewhere that French do not understand jolly-hockey-sticks culture.  Pascal lights jolly joss-stick and attaches me to machine. Plugs me into wall. Wake up to Pascal asking me if I’m a-a-a-ll r-r-right. Feel wonderful. Except for knee. However, decide torture is quite pleasant, and make new appointment. Only 19 sessions left. Wednesday Gemini. 21 May-21 June  You will have some interesting contacts today, but don’t be tempted to spend too much as you may regret your purchases later.8.30 Decide to put Whinge on low-intake diet. Currently looks like Weight Watchers Before photo.  Give him quarter of usual breakfast. 8.31 Give Whinge other three-quarters to avoid neighbours complaining about cat screaming.10.30 Am deep in Bedouin country with cornets when John insists I get rid of Ali the itinerant salesman. Tell cowardly husband to fight losing battle himself. Am forced to see Ali or he will take up permanent residence. Tell him have donated large quantities of drying-up cloths and napkins to half world, but still have enough to compete with Carrefour. Laughs. “Is good joke missus.” Makes baby rocking motions like footballers do. Has been doing this for 5 years. Is either sex maniac or baby slow to grow. In desperation buy (mustard) plastic tablecloth. Is foul, but change from drying-up cloths  Decorated with unidentifiable brown birds. Would hate to share meal with said birds.  Must be worth 5 cents. Pay 30 euros. Suppose can use as tarpaulin in garden. 12.00 Rush off to post office. Is only open in mornings. Last survey showed 99% of Limousin inhabitants are cows with limited need for postal services. Fellow Gazelle behind counter tells me it will close soon. Am outraged. 12.15 Storm off to Mairie to confront local politician. Is closed. Only open in mornings.8 p.m. See on news Sheik and Sheikess El Chirac visiting their Limousin fiefdom.  Sexier regions keep their post offices and get huge grants. Limousin gets Sheiky waves and cow insemination centers. Maybe should start new political party. John horrified. Thursday Gemini. 21 May-21 June Look before you leap. Don’t try to cut corners. You will waste more time than you save. Assert your authority if…
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