Diary from Limousin Part 18

Monday Gemini 21 May- 20 June Midmorning the moon moves into Pisces in your 10th house. You feel confused about your career, status or boss 8 a.m. Very disappointed Martine did not spill beans yesterday afternoon. Was hoping to get blow-by-blow account of steamy sessions with Mr X. (Um, perhaps you could rephrase that? – Ed) In the end just wrote out draconian diet, enough to keep her alive anyway. Refrained from mentioning need for major tucking, pleating, hemming work if diet succeeds. Have just had truly brilliant idea. Could publish Limousin Diet, flog it at Great Limousin Flower Show! Huge market for diet books, would be instant best-seller.  Hmm. Perhaps better wait to see how quickly M. shrinks. Will also need Before and After photos. 9 a.m. Rush out to paper shop, spend fortune on mags. No time to read them, however, as have been assigned annual accounts of Fiches et Chips SA by mad mullah. Translation nonsense really making serious inroads into writing, dozing time. Even if one is equal partner, as alleged by said mullah. 11.30 Do not understand what buses and pipelines, burst or otherwise, have to do with computers. Sure would cause tremendous damage to innards. Anyway, neither would fit. 12.45 Am still waiting for my equal partner to ring lunch bell. Serve salad and dictionary to partner.   7 p.m. Arlette decides to do yoga instead of gym. Presumably as Gazelles now perfect gymnasts. Lie flat, close eyes, empty mind. Relax muscles from toes to scalp.  Could spend whole life in this position. 8 p.m. Take Martine’s Before photo. 8.10 Hope no one steals camera. Have shot 21 vaguely indecent Before photos for Limousin Diet guinea-pigs. Agree to take first After photos in 4 weeks. A genuine controlled experiment.  Next meeting Thursday evening at Danette’s for strategy brainstorming. TuesdayGemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces. A loved one may subject you to an outpouring of emotion 5.30 Feed cats on windowsill. Leave doors, windows open. Suddenly it’s summer. Limousin-style. As in scarf, gloves not always needed. Gizmo hoovers food, comes inside. Sits on counter. Purrs. Vomits. Looks like mouse, past sell-by date. Pretty offal. (Ugh. Is this really necessary? Ed) 6 a.m. Think it entirely reasonable that a teacher would want to strangle student. Have often experienced said emotion. Still, bad marks, poor coursework etc perhaps weak motive in novel. Might also spark global educational spree killings. Consider list of potential motives. Have rejected money, jealousy etc. Hmm. Famous NY Novelist always going on re Voices. Perp could easily have Voice concealed about person. Supposing Perp outwardly sane. Copes with work (apart from when strangling students). Can sometimes be life and sole of party. Participates in belching, farting competitions with stupid male colleagues. Cannot form lasting relationships with women (due to murderous propensities). Lives instead with nasty little Voice in head, constantly nagging re boring life in Law Dept, lack of hols in Murderville. Voice noisiest when certain female students regard Perp with eyes that see right into depths of his soul. Should have been a poet. 12.30 Eat burnt lasagna edges for lunch. Recognise almost-defrosted delicacy as part of Limousin winter emergency rations. WednesdayGemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces until mid-afternoon. You’re not really in the mood for work or communication. Keep your temper. 7.20 Crawl out of bed. Drag leaden legs downstairs. Sneeze violently for 10 minutes, blow Whinge into next door Scumgarden. 8 a.m. Feel foul. Find hay-fever pills. "Doo dot doh wedder one can cope wid Fiches et Chips Income Statement today." Offer same to equal partner. Said swine feigns deafness. 10 a.m. Head pounding. Am really pleased Fiches et Chips have made a thumping operating loss. With a bit of luck will not exist this time next year. Notice extraordinary provision of €20 million. CEO’s golden goodbye. Feel too ill to protest. 11.30 Phone call from Plantes Alors. Spring rush almost over, they can start preparing the Flower Show any time. Thinks Gazelles wonderful, proud to be associated with Limousin United. Swallow lump in throat. Oh dear. My eucalyptus gobstopper now stopping my gob. Will ring him as soon as we get green light. Grrr. If we get green light. Take 30 mins off to have bad dose of misery. No conservatory, no Great Limousin Flower Show, no competent staff to cosset one. Nobody loves me. 11.45 Call from Limousin Leader. Compliment office junior on his rag’s rapid interest in our initiative.  "Where was your organ when we needed its input?" Swear, slam down phone.  Refuse to eat charcoaled ex-ratatouille ‘n fish thing. Make myself banana sandwich. Wonder why J. wearing hard hat, looks really stupid. 2 p.m.Françoise phones. Asks if I’m all right. Am instantly cheered. Someone cares. "Just that the editor of the Limousin Leader called. Said he’d had strange encounter with a foreign lady, seemed a bit upset. Russian. Didn’t think they’d discovered Limousin yet.""Russian?" Perhaps my hay-fevered accent."Kept shouting Pissoff. Must have been a wrong number." 
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