Diary from Limousin Part 18
400
Monday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Midmorning the moon moves into Pisces in your 10th house. You feel confused about your career, status or boss
8 a.m. Very disappointed Martine did not spill beans yesterday afternoon. Was hoping to get blow-by-blow account of steamy sessions with Mr X. (Um, perhaps you could rephrase that? – Ed) In the end just wrote out draconian diet, enough to keep her alive anyway. Refrained from mentioning need for major tucking, pleating, hemming work if diet succeeds.
Have just had truly brilliant idea. Could publish Limousin Diet, flog it at Great Limousin Flower Show! Huge market for diet books, would be instant best-seller. Hmm. Perhaps better wait to see how quickly M. shrinks. Will also need Before and After photos.
9 a.m. Rush out to paper shop, spend fortune on mags. No time to read them, however, as have been assigned annual accounts of Fiches et Chips SA by mad mullah. Translation nonsense really making serious inroads into writing, dozing time. Even if one is equal partner, as alleged by said mullah.
11.30 Do not understand what buses and pipelines, burst or otherwise, have to do with computers. Sure would cause tremendous damage to innards. Anyway, neither would fit.
12.45 Am still waiting for my equal partner to ring lunch bell. Serve salad and dictionary to partner.
7 p.m. Arlette decides to do yoga instead of gym. Presumably as Gazelles now perfect gymnasts. Lie flat, close eyes, empty mind. Relax muscles from toes to scalp. Could spend whole life in this position.
8 p.m. Take Martine’s Before photo.
8.10 Hope no one steals camera. Have shot 21 vaguely indecent Before photos for Limousin Diet guinea-pigs. Agree to take first After photos in 4 weeks. A genuine controlled experiment. Next meeting Thursday evening at Danette’s for strategy brainstorming.
TuesdayGemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces. A loved one may subject you to an outpouring of emotion
5.30 Feed cats on windowsill. Leave doors, windows open. Suddenly it’s summer. Limousin-style. As in scarf, gloves not always needed. Gizmo hoovers food, comes inside. Sits on counter. Purrs. Vomits. Looks like mouse, past sell-by date. Pretty offal. (Ugh. Is this really necessary? Ed)
6 a.m. Think it entirely reasonable that a teacher would want to strangle student. Have often experienced said emotion. Still, bad marks, poor coursework etc perhaps weak motive in novel. Might also spark global educational spree killings.
Consider list of potential motives. Have rejected money, jealousy etc. Hmm. Famous NY Novelist always going on re Voices. Perp could easily have Voice concealed about person. Supposing Perp outwardly sane. Copes with work (apart from when strangling students). Can sometimes be life and sole of party. Participates in belching, farting competitions with stupid male colleagues.
Cannot form lasting relationships with women (due to murderous propensities). Lives instead with nasty little Voice in head, constantly nagging re boring life in Law Dept, lack of hols in Murderville. Voice noisiest when certain female students regard Perp with eyes that see right into depths of his soul. Should have been a poet.
12.30 Eat burnt lasagna edges for lunch. Recognise almost-defrosted delicacy as part of Limousin winter emergency rations.
WednesdayGemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces until mid-afternoon. You’re not really in the mood for work or communication. Keep your temper.
7.20 Crawl out of bed. Drag leaden legs downstairs. Sneeze violently for 10 minutes, blow Whinge into next door Scumgarden.
8 a.m. Feel foul. Find hay-fever pills. "Doo dot doh wedder one can cope wid Fiches et Chips Income Statement today." Offer same to equal partner. Said swine feigns deafness.
10 a.m. Head pounding. Am really pleased Fiches et Chips have made a thumping operating loss. With a bit of luck will not exist this time next year. Notice extraordinary provision of €20 million. CEO’s golden goodbye. Feel too ill to protest.
11.30 Phone call from Plantes Alors. Spring rush almost over, they can start preparing the Flower Show any time. Thinks Gazelles wonderful, proud to be associated with Limousin United. Swallow lump in throat. Oh dear. My eucalyptus gobstopper now stopping my gob.
Will ring him as soon as we get green light. Grrr. If we get green light. Take 30 mins off to have bad dose of misery. No conservatory, no Great Limousin Flower Show, no competent staff to cosset one. Nobody loves me.
11.45 Call from Limousin Leader. Compliment office junior on his rag’s rapid interest in our initiative. "Where was your organ when we needed its input?" Swear, slam down phone.
Refuse to eat charcoaled ex-ratatouille ‘n fish thing. Make myself banana sandwich. Wonder why J. wearing hard hat, looks really stupid.
2 p.m.Françoise phones. Asks if I’m all right. Am instantly cheered. Someone cares. "Just that the editor of the Limousin Leader called. Said he’d had strange encounter with a foreign lady, seemed a bit upset. Russian. Didn’t think they’d discovered Limousin yet.""Russian?" Perhaps my hay-fevered accent."Kept shouting Pissoff. Must have been a wrong number."
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Monday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Midmorning the moon moves into Pisces in your 10th house. You feel confused about your career, status or boss
8 a.m. Very disappointed Martine did not spill beans yesterday afternoon. Was hoping to get blow-by-blow account of steamy sessions with Mr X. (Um, perhaps you could rephrase that? – Ed)
In the end just wrote out draconian diet, enough to keep her alive anyway. Refrained from mentioning need for major tucking, pleating, hemming work if diet succeeds.
In the end just wrote out draconian diet, enough to keep her alive anyway. Refrained from mentioning need for major tucking, pleating, hemming work if diet succeeds.
Have just had truly brilliant idea. Could publish Limousin Diet, flog it at Great Limousin Flower Show! Huge market for diet books, would be instant best-seller. Hmm. Perhaps better wait to see how quickly M. shrinks. Will also need Before and After photos.
9 a.m. Rush out to paper shop, spend fortune on mags. No time to read them, however, as have been assigned annual accounts of Fiches et Chips SA by mad mullah. Translation nonsense really making serious inroads into writing, dozing time. Even if one is equal partner, as alleged by said mullah.
11.30 Do not understand what buses and pipelines, burst or otherwise, have to do with computers. Sure would cause tremendous damage to innards. Anyway, neither would fit.
12.45 Am still waiting for my equal partner to ring lunch bell.
Serve salad and dictionary to partner.
7 p.m. Arlette decides to do yoga instead of gym. Presumably as Gazelles now perfect gymnasts. Lie flat, close eyes, empty mind. Relax muscles from toes to scalp. Could spend whole life in this position.
8 p.m. Take Martine’s Before photo.
8.10 Hope no one steals camera. Have shot 21 vaguely indecent Before photos for Limousin Diet guinea-pigs. Agree to take first After photos in 4 weeks. A genuine controlled experiment.
Next meeting Thursday evening at Danette’s for strategy brainstorming.
Tuesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces. A loved one may
subject you to an outpouring of emotion
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces. A loved one may
5.30 Feed cats on windowsill. Leave doors, windows open. Suddenly it’s summer. Limousin-style. As in scarf, gloves not always needed. Gizmo hoovers food, comes inside. Sits on counter. Purrs. Vomits.
Looks like mouse, past sell-by date. Pretty offal. (Ugh. Is this really necessary? Ed)
Looks like mouse, past sell-by date. Pretty offal. (Ugh. Is this really necessary? Ed)
6 a.m. Think it entirely reasonable that a teacher would want to strangle student. Have often experienced said emotion. Still, bad marks, poor coursework etc perhaps weak motive in novel. Might also spark global educational spree killings.
Consider list of potential motives. Have rejected money, jealousy etc.
Hmm. Famous NY Novelist always going on re Voices. Perp could easily have Voice concealed about person. Supposing Perp outwardly sane. Copes with work (apart from when strangling students). Can sometimes be life and sole of party. Participates in belching, farting competitions with stupid male colleagues.
Hmm. Famous NY Novelist always going on re Voices. Perp could easily have Voice concealed about person. Supposing Perp outwardly sane. Copes with work (apart from when strangling students). Can sometimes be life and sole of party. Participates in belching, farting competitions with stupid male colleagues.
Cannot form lasting relationships with women (due to murderous propensities). Lives instead with nasty little Voice in head, constantly nagging re boring life in Law Dept, lack of hols in Murderville. Voice noisiest when certain female students regard Perp with eyes that see right into depths of his soul.
Should have been a poet.
12.30 Eat burnt lasagna edges for lunch. Recognise almost-defrosted delicacy as part of Limousin winter emergency rations.
Wednesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces until mid-afternoon. You’re not really in the mood for work or communication. Keep your temper.
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Pisces until mid-afternoon. You’re not really in the mood for work or communication. Keep your temper.
7.20 Crawl out of bed. Drag leaden legs downstairs. Sneeze violently for 10 minutes, blow Whinge into next door Scumgarden.
8 a.m. Feel foul. Find hay-fever pills. "Doo dot doh wedder one can cope wid Fiches et Chips Income Statement today." Offer same to equal partner. Said swine feigns deafness.
10 a.m. Head pounding. Am really pleased Fiches et Chips have made a thumping operating loss. With a bit of luck will not exist this time next year. Notice extraordinary provision of €20 million. CEO’s golden goodbye. Feel too ill to protest.
11.30 Phone call from Plantes Alors. Spring rush almost over, they can start preparing the Flower Show any time. Thinks Gazelles wonderful, proud to be associated with Limousin United. Swallow lump in throat. Oh dear. My eucalyptus gobstopper now stopping my gob.
Will ring him as soon as we get green light. Grrr. If we get green light. Take 30 mins off to have bad dose of misery. No conservatory, no Great Limousin Flower Show, no competent staff to cosset one. Nobody loves me.
11.45 Call from Limousin Leader. Compliment office junior on his rag’s rapid interest in our initiative. "Where was your organ when we needed its input?" Swear, slam down phone.
Refuse to eat charcoaled ex-ratatouille ‘n fish thing. Make myself banana sandwich. Wonder why J. wearing hard hat, looks really stupid.
2 p.m.Françoise phones. Asks if I’m all right. Am instantly cheered. Someone cares. "Just that the editor of the Limousin Leader called. Said he’d had strange encounter with a foreign lady, seemed a bit upset. Russian. Didn’t think they’d discovered Limousin yet."
"Russian?" Perhaps my hay-fevered accent.
"Kept shouting Pissoff. Must have been a wrong number."
"Russian?" Perhaps my hay-fevered accent.
"Kept shouting Pissoff. Must have been a wrong number."
Thursday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Aries. Avoid confrontation, consider giving in gracefully to those who irritate you.
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon continues through Aries. Avoid confrontation, consider giving in gracefully to those who irritate you.
5.45 Juge d’Instruction summons Apolline for progress report. Ace detective decides is time pale youth initiated into real world of crime. Slides revolting autopsy photos across desk in nonchalant manner. Judge Chevalier studies them, half-smile on face. (Tautologous – unlikely to have smile anywhere else – Ed)
Moves photos around with tip of pen. Looks up. My father’s a pathologist, he says, eyes boring into Apolline. Reckon I’ve seen more body bits than you have. Boastful bourgeois turd.
12.30 Make lunch. Cannot face any more mauvaise cuisine.
8 p.m. Lie on grass in sun. Danette opens bottles of red wine (miniscule calories, cholesterol). Proposes toast to Diet Guru. Find it’s far more impressive when others discover one’s genius without help from self.
"Zuh friggin’ mayor’s staying dumb," Yvette murmurs, fishing a drowned fly out of her glass.
"Yeah…he could keep this up indefinitely." Was surprised to see Denise tonight. Perhaps Paul washing his hair." What then?"
"Give him till Friday," Françoise suggests. "Until all the interviews are published."
"Shaft zuh bastard!" Bernadette shouts, sitting bolt upright. Notice she has become very militant of late. "If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing really dirty." Attagirl.
"We gotta let every villager know personally about his crimes," she says. "Send a flyer around. The duckbrains here only read zuh Limousin Leader, that snotrag dressed up as a newspaper. It’s all thé dansants and funerals."
"We gotta let every villager know personally about his crimes," she says. "Send a flyer around. The duckbrains here only read zuh Limousin Leader, that snotrag dressed up as a newspaper. It’s all thé dansants and funerals."
10.10 Draft flyer drafted, vetted for libellous slurs. Have suggested we make enquiries at La Poste re delivery costs, after vetoing personal delivery. Have no desire to spend weekend slithering around pooey farmyards handing Gazelle tracts to deaf grandpas.
Friday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Mercury squares Saturn. A day marked by generosity of mind and spirit.
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Mercury squares Saturn. A day marked by generosity of mind and spirit.
9 a.m. Françoise phones. Yvette has insisted on driving us to La Poste local command post. "I tried to dissuade her, but she’s got a day off."
Haven’t a clue what she’s talking about. Françoise can be a bit funny sometimes. Finish Fiches et Chips accounts. Email same to client with enormous bill. Feel better instantly.
Haven’t a clue what she’s talking about. Françoise can be a bit funny sometimes. Finish Fiches et Chips accounts. Email same to client with enormous bill. Feel better instantly.
10 a.m. "Forget world peace, Yvette. Visualize using your turn signal." Remember taking Yvette’s favourite short cut once before, wondered why road surface mostly striped rubber.
10.15 Confiscate Yvette’s car keys. Wish I had ordered the anxiety cure, could do with entire contents of economy pack. Am more than ever convinced the French should be banned from world’s roads.
Post boss a female woman. Very sympathetic to our cause, outraged by male indifference to Limousin problems. Will have flyers delivered at special charity rate tomorrow morning. Would like to join Gazelles, throw her weight behind movement. Notice she has much weight to throw, is perfect Gazelle. Enroll her on the spot.
11.30 Hurray! Conservatory planning permit has arrived. J grumpy re cost, looming huge tax bill.
"Tell you what John, I’ll spend my equal share of profits on the conservatory. And you can spend your half on whatever you fancy." Like income tax or something
Post boss a female woman. Very sympathetic to our cause, outraged by male indifference to Limousin problems. Will have flyers delivered at special charity rate tomorrow morning. Would like to join Gazelles, throw her weight behind movement. Notice she has much weight to throw, is perfect Gazelle. Enroll her on the spot.
11.30 Hurray! Conservatory planning permit has arrived. J grumpy re cost, looming huge tax bill.
"Tell you what John, I’ll spend my equal share of profits on the conservatory. And you can spend your half on whatever you fancy." Like income tax or something
Saturday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Let others do the running around today. Sit back and plan ahead.
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Let others do the running around today. Sit back and plan ahead.
Apolline and partneress Melamine check records for psychopaths on loose. List v. long, includes most local, regional politicians. Assigns team to checking whereabouts of basket cases. Sits back, puts feet on desk. Claps hands. Melamine rushes in, pours coffee. Closes door. Senses boss needs to be alone. Apolline mentally summarizes evidence so far.
Have noticed this authorly trick. Presumably as readers have poor concentration, recall skills. Make note to copy/paste summary at regular intervals.
Sunday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June It won’t take much for someone to get on your nerves today. Steer clear of rows you may regret later.
Gemini 21 May- 20 June It won’t take much for someone to get on your nerves today. Steer clear of rows you may regret later.
2 p.m. Have cooked lunch, resigned myself to life as domestic slave. Have also resolved to ignore slavemaster’s complaints re excessive broccoli and rabbit food in diet.
Find forgotten cholesterol biscuits in cupboard bazaar, am overjoyed.
2.02 Cannot find bloody easy-open strip on biscuit packet designed by male cardiologist.
2.04 J. hovering expectantly near coffee slave, offers to open packet. Finds microscopic tab in 5 seconds, laughs. "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
2.04 J. hovering expectantly near coffee slave, offers to open packet. Finds microscopic tab in 5 seconds, laughs. "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
2.45 Regret storming out sans water bottle. Am very hot, delirious, after 10 miles under fierce Limousin sun. Well, at least 2 kms. Poke tongue out at stupid mooing bull. Bloody great oxymoron.
3.30 Have walked in circle. Spot Martine’s car next door.
3.35 Am recovering in deck chair, after pouring out woes. Bernadette pouring out spritzers for three.
3.40 Feel very peaceful, despite snoring noises from Chez Moi. Gizmo and Whinge lying on my feet, pretending to be faithful companions.
3.35 Am recovering in deck chair, after pouring out woes. Bernadette pouring out spritzers for three.
3.40 Feel very peaceful, despite snoring noises from Chez Moi. Gizmo and Whinge lying on my feet, pretending to be faithful companions.
"Equality won’t exist, cherie," Bernadette says, "as long as we’re governed by men."
"Beh oui. We were born naked, wet and ‘ungry. And zen sings got worse." Think the French wonderful philosophers.
"You know, women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition," Bernie says, turning to face us. Realise in blinding flash she is right. "Take Emile, my husband, for example."
Quite. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Quite. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
"He’s been bonking his secretaries for years…and he’s too stupid to realise I know."
Join cats in pricking-up-ears routine.
"I’ve decided to do my own thing…got to the stage where I needed someone really bad. And Norbert’s really bad." Have collective hysterics. Feel warm sisterly glow, even though am puzzled by revelations.
Join cats in pricking-up-ears routine.
"I’ve decided to do my own thing…got to the stage where I needed someone really bad. And Norbert’s really bad." Have collective hysterics. Feel warm sisterly glow, even though am puzzled by revelations.
"All men are idiotsh, and I married zare king," Martine says carefully, opening another bottle. Have short argument over royal qualities of respective spouses. "I am trying out zuh alternatives too," she belches.
11.55 All has been explained. Seems Bernie and Martine not having an affair with each other, but with a list of broad-minded blokes from escort agency. Am hugely relieved. Walk 50 yards home with extreme care. Not that one is drunk, of course. Just a little inebriated, having discovered the meaning of life.
Bonne semaine
© Madeleine Dickson
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