Diary from Limousin Part 13

Monday
Gemini 21 May – 20 June A good week financially, but events this evening will leave you feeling flat

7.20 Far too tired after holiday weekend to tackle homicide detection. Will leave Bloodbath in Limoges till tomorrow. Maybe have to change working title though, if decide strangulation to be modus. Sip coffee, nibble croissant.
Leave John wittering re naves, flying buttresses in Toulouse churches. Check emails, Lottery results. Have won €9.20! Maybe will start new career as gambler, am clearly v. talented. Will not tell Lotosceptic husband.

Aha. Long, complicated instructions from100% Virus Protection re worm. Print same.

7.39 Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
7.40 Reread instructions. Oh. DO NOT delete *!%?.no_*splat*%_and*!?crash.%*.exe.

7.45 Retrieve from trash, restore, reboot. Respire.

Unpack rucksack. Am looking forward to nice quiet week after gross overwork, excitement of last fortnight. 
Damn. Find cholesterol test prescription from Zara. Am certain have no such substance in blood, but best to humour worried daughter.  Hmm. Believe process may involve needles. Will arrange next month. Or next year.

10 a.m. Appointment with accountant to sign tax forms, discover how many millions to be handed over to govt. wastrels. 
10.20 Forgive Figures Fairy everything. Has massaged numbers brilliantly, tax bill half that expected, will even get rebate. Can put towards new conservatory. Must ring Monsieur Serre re planning permission progress.

1 p.m. Zara phones. Just to remind me of The Blood Test. Claims I am likely to postpone same permanently. Will phone again tomorrow. Blast.

7 p.m. Gym Ms Arlette in no mood for idle chat. Reluctant Olympians forced higher, faster, further than humanly possible. Pleas re imminent blood test, chronically ill knee fall on chronically deaf ears.

8.15 Am sweaty slug-Gazelle. Slump in front of TV with 80% cocoa butter revival rations, triple malt.
News full of Charles & Camilla ravelling knot after decades of shenanigans. Surprised to see royal hair completely silver. Bride wearing cream. Is almost white wedding. Think Chas & Cam well suited, deserve each other.

9 p.m. Nurse v. nice man, am last patient after 12 hours of rounds. Suggest leaving for decade or two when nurse less tired, less liable to precipitate medical disaster.

9.02 Arm being emptied into syringe size of oil tanker. Left arm, limb nearest heart.

“You can stop clenching your fist now, Madame. Both of them. Open your eyes…stop shaking so much….”

9.07 Arm now flat. Hundreds of phials on coffee table. Feel faint. Hope blood grows back during night.

Tuesday
Gemini 21 May – 20 June A red letter day, Gemini: you will enjoy a new empathy with your partner

5.10 Have broken previous personal record for staying alive. Hugely relieved all body parts present, heart pumping normally. Boot cafetière, laptop.
Apolline interviewing boyfriend of murderee 1 at Commissariat. Spotty suspect heavily into denial. Heroine studies him carefully for tell-tale signs of lying. No need to describe said signs, experienced readers know what I mean.

Gizmo and Whinge playing basketball in kitchen with team-sports-hating vole. Eject players, confiscate ball.

Must make definitive decision re Perp, get on with introducing him properly. Will not otherwise be believable when he pops up halfway down p 291 just before dénouement. Must be reasonably nice, not suspectable too early, otherwise readers won’t bother with middle 250 pp. Just go to end, claim they knew it was him all along.

10 a.m. Have another notarial interpreting commission. Hope English clients speak dialect one is familiar with. At least translation rush eased, can take time, chat in friendly fashion with purchasers.

11.15 Totally ignored by awfully snooty couple exporting their dreadfulness to village only 6km from chez nous. V. quickly realize said superior twosome not keeping up with Joneses by buying French pied à terre. They are the Joneses. Grab cheque and run

11.40 Strange car in drive, big off-road thing related to tank, English number plates.  We’ve Eaten Malaga Rock sticker on fender.

Kitchen full of fat Adamses, Madge, Kevin and ghastly offspring, Lee and Sharon. J. pouring drinks, looks haunted. As well he might. Adams family very bad news. Their close neighbourliness our principal reason for leaving England. Grit teeth until jaw hurts. Eventually get John alone in study.

“What-are-they-doing-here?”
“Calm down, Mad, they’ll be gone before lunch,” J. says hopefully. “They’re on their way back from the CostaFortune. Said they just want to say hello.”
“Well, they’ve said that. Can’t they say goodbye now?”

12.35 Am starving. Have eaten half aperitif biscuit from tin, present from Madge. Recognise brand from Save U Loads store. Where 2-kilo tin of Glug-Glug costs €0.47. Unless on special offer.

12.55 Have headache from loud non-guests, tummy ache from hunger. Actually only parents loud. Bumper-edition teenage progeny given to silent scowling, picking piercing scabs, noses. 

1.10 Exchange desperate glances with J. Notice he also infected with lockjaw.

1.15 “Let me give you a hand with the lunch, lovie,” Madge shrieks. Lunch?

Had planned omelettes and salad for lunch. Adamses allergic to eggs.
Liberate emergency rations from cellar, 2 large tins confit de canard. Tough if duckwits don’t like it. Cook rice, make salad while Madge yaks.
“…cost twenny thousand quid, the new kitchen….
“…gothic style….
“…got your address off-of the internet….
“…Oh, sorry, kids don’t like rice. Or salad. Or meat.” Grrr.

1.45 “…oh yeah, Canard,” Kevin says, emptying second bottle of barely drinkable Côtes de Canal, another Adams gift. “…didn’t they use tah make cruise ships?”

God. 100,000 sperm, and he was the fastest? 

3.30 Adamses senior comatose in spare room. Have not bothered to remove inflatable cows therefrom.
Lee and Sharon gone to village in search of ice-cream, sweets. Think walk good for them, help digestion of baked beans, tinned burgers from Adamsmobile food stock. Do not tell them 3 miles to village, shop closed for holidays.

Wednesday
Gemini 21 May – 20 June Devote some quality time to yourself, it will bear unexpected fruit later

8.45 Père et mère Adams fortunately too hungover to yak this morning. Les enfants sulk when discover lack of Rice Crispies Decide must be related to Whinge. Spoon Whiskas into their bowls

9.30 Wave goodbye to Adamses with genuine warmth/enthusiasm.

J. says we must move or change name. Take day off to obliterate nightmare. J. has hairdo, I prevail upon Vile Véronique to fit me in. Notice V.V. clean-shaven today. Has discovered wax, offers legdo. Decide will leave Amazonian-rain-forest limbs for another time. Submit to blissful all-over massage. Chat, discover Véronique freelance. Have oil, wax, will travel. Hmm. Make mental note to add her to potential Limousin Flower Show attractions.

Thursday
Gemini 21 May – 20 June Humour your kids now, and one day they’ll choose you a nice nursing home

5.15 Decide to have another nice murder. Well, he’d have a taste for it now, wouldn’t he? Have read somewhere that technically 2 kills do not a series make. Have very rapid autopsy of murderee 3 (will do Find & Replace when choose names), as modus identical 
Regret cannot make Perp Limousin rural planning under-mullah, Scumbag-d’Arcy might smell a rat when he picks up no 1 best smeller at Austerlitz station. Hmm. Cow insemination agent? Hmm. Bit technical, believe one is expected to know something about what one writes.

6 a.m. Feed cats. Assure them coast now clear, Adams family eradicated from premises.

6.15 Got it! All victims students, Perp their careers adviser. Would know everything about them, addresses, hobbies, etc And Apolline’s future beau can be his colleague, lecturer in…in…?
Hmm Think will have to be law, otherwise will be forced to spend hours researching boring medieval history or other subject author knows zilch about.  Some tedious reader bound to point out have got it all wrong on p 167.  Also will have to make Perp younger, sexier etc than Scumbag-d’Arcy, but can leave pea-brain intact.

Midday. Lab report looks fine to me. Do not understand all the glob-poly-and haemo-thingies but at least not accompanied by free entrance ticket to mortuary. Am reassured, celebrate with egg mayonnaise, veal in cream sauce, cheese, chocolate gâteau.

Z. phones. Read blood test report to her. Maintains mother is one-woman cholesterol center.

“Right. No chocolate, sauces, butter, cream. Drink tea or water. Plenty of fruit and roughage, but go easy on the bananas.”

Great. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran

Friday
Gemini 21 May – 20 June A chance meeting may dampen your spirits, but exciting times are on the way

8.30 p.m. Emergency meeting of Gazelles, called by Francoise, re rumours of refusal of Great Flower Show Plan by village council.
“What rumours?”
“Nicolas thought he’d better let us know the way the wind’s blowing. It’s the mayor’s final decision though…”
Oh merde. I wondered why they didn’t ask questions when we presented the plan.
“Nothing’s certain though, is it?” Bernadette eventually breaks the longest silence in Gazelle history.
“This country’s run by men,” Martine sniffs. “They’re pigs, they’re like….”
“…parking spaces,” Babette says glumly. “All the good one are taken, the rest are handicapped.” 
Bernadette raises her Badoit glass. “I’ll drink to that. But we now need Plan B.”
“There’s a big demo next week against public service cuts…we could make banners…the unions have arranged TV coverage…”
“All for one and one for all!”
“Shut up, Grizzelle.”

Saturday
Gemini 21 May – 20 June Friends seek your help again – give generously. Avoid secrecy, it may prove unwise

“Did you know, your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself?”
“Shut up. I’m eating my breakfast.” Put down spoon. Pink grapefruit lumps suddenly resemble chopped stomach lining. Am not really hungry anyway. Too excited by my first French demo. Have decided not to tell J. for moment, is a bit funny about such things.

10.30 Babette calls, has shopping list for Huguette, just out of hospital. Read list in car. Diapers, wipes, cream, oil, teats, bottles, etc. Everything times 3.
“She’s not feeding them herself then?”
“Not unless she’s acquired an extra boob, Babette.”
Have added selection of magazines, chocolate bars and bottle of cognac to trolley. Good for post-natal blues.
Huguette weepy, but cheers up quickly. Opens bottle. Resist momentarily, but feel it would be rude to refuse. Only eat 3 squares of chocolate. One for each baby.

Sunday
Gemini 21 May – 20 June A good day for starting a diet. You will feel the benefits of a cleaner lifestyle in the coming months

8.55 Grapefruit (no sugar), toast (no butter), tea (no taste).
Collect paper. Disappointed have not secured huge Lottery fortune this week. Retirement in sun replaced by walk in arctic sunshine.

11.45 Prepare lunch. Nude salad. Dry chicken escallops. Pasta glob, cut into portions. Broccoli. Mushrooms, shrivelled. No cheese. Orange. Water. Tea. Gulag grub.

2.15 Inspect woodland garden. Sit on bench, think Zenly. Smoke 3 fags. Notice Maison de Scumbag abandoned today. Save for feline gardening staff, digging up bean seedlings. .

Bonne semaine