Diary from Limousin Part 10

Monday
Gemini May 21 – June 21 The week starts well, but don’t worry, it will soon deteriorate.

6 a.m. Whinge and Gizmo bawling Whiskas overture on windowsill. Feel like McDo’s drive-in waitress. Make coffee, toast. Cats hoover meal. Rush off to spread towels, apply sun-block against fierce Limousin heat.

6.05  Wake computer. Continue keying compelling, unexpected-plot-twists-‘n-turns murder tale.
Pathologist phones re autopsy on first murderee. Cut swine off before stomach contents enumerated. Point out second victim just found by heroine’s partneress. Will meet him at locus. Heroine showers, dries hair, applies make-up, platelet-red nail varnish.

Hang on. No bathrooms at Commissariat. Go back 3 chapters. Call plumber. Will require extraordinary feat of imagination to get him here by said shower incident on p. 69.
Must also think of a name .Some fans might find Heroine Faubourg slightly odd.

7 p.m. Last gym session before Easter hols. Grizzelle and ancient groupies cackle heartlessly while younger generation put through hoop by cruel Gym Mis. Tour cakes, booze table 65 times.
"Floor exercises, girls. Get your mats," Oberführer Arlette barks.
Lie down. Close eyes. Bliss.
"Madeleine! Wake up!"
Slanderous slur. Was just testing mat for drool resistance.

8.10 Have lost 4.8 kilos body weight in 1 hour. Can ill afford same, calculate at this rate will be ex-person in 11.5 weeks. Drink half bottle of Perrier, eat 4 slices of pizza, 3 éclairs. Feel sick.
9 p.m. Start Save Our Village meeting. Yveline, our token Sumo-wrestler, suggests maybe add Tai Chi to list of activities available to holidaymakers, Flower Show visitors.
"Nice, gentle exercise," she says wistfully, avoiding Oberführer’s glance. "Perhaps Arlette could give demo in Japanese Zen garden?" Yveline smiles winningly. French are born diplomats.

"Let’s call it the Oriental Zen garden." Annette, passionate gardener with biceps in her spit, pauses thoughtfully, fifth mini-gâteau in huge paw. "Then we can mix azaleas and epimedium latisepalum in same garden. More PC anyway."

Yesyesyes. "And Pieris japonica taiwanensis….." Feel really excited. Will have to form secret 2-woman plant sub-committee. None of this laurel and geranium nonsense.

"Euh…can we speak French?"

"Shummofuscan, Babette," Françoise giggles, spilling wine on Martine’s brand-new be-seen-in-the-dark shell suit.

"That just leaves building the gardens, closing roads, signs, parking, admission fees, loos, first aid post, public address system, refreshments…" Martine sighs.
"…lost children, traffic, insurance…and zuh mayor’s yes-yes," Nadine hiccups.

Wish colleagues a little more restrained in drinking habits. Am also peeved I hadn’t thought of half these things. We need help. Tell them about Mme d’Arcy.

"Hey, Bernadette’s my husband’s brother-in-law’s second cousin," Carine says. Right. Do not expend energy on familial brain-teaser.

"…right sleazeball, that husband of hers…..has hyperactive trouser rat….I think he’s humping floozies"

Scumbag-d’Arcy a sleazeball? Humps floozies? Well, well.

"…an’ ’ees doin’ nuzzin ’bout grants for zuh village ayzer, " Nadine belches. Some Gazelles are disgusting.

"Any wine left in them bottles, you sweatballs?" Grizzelle bellows

11.05 Will meet again on Wednesday and Thursday to finalise draft plan. Carry Grizzelle to taxi.

Tuesday
Gemini May 21 – June 21 Creative projects dear to your heart will occupy your thoughts today

5.00 Bad night. Disturbing dreams featuring portaloos, floozies, crêpe mountains. Must have been the éclairs. Get up. Trip over exercise bike. Proof such devices a danger to health.

5.15 Cats on windowsill having staring-out contest, dead mouse between them. Cannot tell whose paw prints on corpse, whose teeth have exposed ex-mouse’s guts. Leave them to resolve property ownership dispute. Eat 2 croissants, orange, banana.

 5.25 Feel slightly queasy. Check emails. More penis enhancement offers. Blind dates with funky Greek computer programmers. Wonder how Denise liked Jeremie’s friend Paul the Geek. Trash all. Still no word from NY author-mentor. Must be stupefied by quality of mystery writing.

View locus. Second corpse definitely dead, just as revolting as first. Meet new Judge d’Instruction. Pale young man, straight out of judge school, very wet behind ears as is now raining hard. Decide Apolline (have found name for Heroine) will trample all over him. Find her some stiletto heels.

9.00  Take John to accountant, bank, computer shop, Carrefour for new shaving brush. Traffic horrendous.

Midday. Nerves frayed, am exhausted. J. announces has lost twee men’s handbag.  Containing bank cards, cheque book etc. Somewhere.
12.05  Close windows, doors. Hit top C.
12.10  Shove pizzas in oven. Ponder God’s purpose. He gave man brain and penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

Wednesday
Gemini May 21 – June 21 Those around you produce original ideas, fuelling your imagination

7.30. p.m. Babette’s house for another Gazelle meeting. Exchange high fives, kisses and bottles. Gazelles Inc. know a thing or ten about team bonding, corporate decisions etc.

Dining room bulging with goodies. Fill plate, glass. Decide B. worth at least 3 Michelin stars.
Perch on arm of sofa, trying to keep toppings on bottoms. On canapé bottoms, that is. Relieved Grizzelle has debilitating headache, meeting more serious without her. Will also not have to help carry inebriated geriatric to car.
Delighted to see mayor’s wife, Huguette. Our biggest recruit so far. At a rough guess, is 3 years pregnant or expecting small Limousin herd. Also has yawning disorder.

“Bernard is very busy wiz zuh cows at zis time,” she says, shifting the mountain in her lap, “but I’ll keep up the pressure, bend his ear, twist his arm. Until the baby arrives.”

“Only having one?” Babette unfortunately renowned for putting foot where mouth located.

Great progress made since Monday on remaining problems.  Mme Scumbag interested in initiative, Carine says, has promised to come to tomorrow’s meeting at Nadine’s house. Agricultural colleges will supply student slaves free, for planting etc. Draft more paragraphs of submission. Huguette advises we keep it short. “Bernard likes to have it orally,” she says tiredly.

Thursday
Gemini May 21 – June 21 A busy professional day for career Geminis, but the prospect of lightening the load seem to vanish

8.45  Have 2 appointments chez le notaire. Decide should make effort to be chic. Is not v. easy. Think middle age when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places. Find black skirt with elasticised waist I can breathe in. Hmm. Tights all holey or full of knobbly bits, shredded Kleenex etc. Merde. Am late, pull on jeans, Cardin jumper.

Warmer than I thought, am sweating buckets on arrival. First clients Glaswegian, very chatty. "Och, issa braw warrum dee, eh hen?" Realise need interpreter.

Second clients organic mushroom growers from small Devon village. I think.
Stagger out 3 hours later. Hope chosen right yesses and noes to questions. Wonder whether should have English lessons.

8 p.m. 3rd Gazelle summit at Nadine’s house. Tell John am having torrid affair with toyboy.

"Right…I’ll be able to watch the opera then," he replies, not looking up.

Hmm. “Actually, I’m going to throw myself under a train.”

“Okay, have a nice time dear.”

Bernadette Scumbag-d’Arcy declines drink, is teetotal. Martine first to break stunned silence, outlines plan. Study Bernadette surreptitiously. Older than husband, I reckon. Bit overweight, could do with some travaux on wrinkles. Will choose appropriate moment to give her number of Vile Véronique, ace masseuse.
Nadine hands round chocolates. Bernadette passes again. “I’m trying to lose weight. It’s tough being fat.” Hmm. Especially when your husband’s two-timing you in full view of the neighbours.
“Look on the bright side,” Babette says cheerily. “At least your wrinkles don’t hurt, do they?”

Bernadette listens attentively to proposal, agrees to coordinate action, correct spelling mistakes in mayoral submission etc. Will ask her husband, Emile, re grants. Odd. Thought he was called Michel, then Arnaud. Now Emile. Don’t remember being forgetful. Maybe B. has 3 husbands. Perhaps member of mutant strain of Islam.

"My son Paul is in computing, he might help with a web site," she adds. Am thrilled, help snowballing. Will be able to dump whole project in other laps.

"Madeleine can translate the brochures and web site," Françoise suggests.

Friday
Gemini May 21 – June 21 You are entering a negative period that will last several days

6 a.m. Cold, pouring with rain. Make porridge, ignore sodden howling felines.
Feel depressed, inspirationless. Cannot face another autopsy, will postpone to tomorrow. Consume Time, Le Point, 2 bananas.

8 a.m. Eat toast and Nutella, 2 croissants for pudding.

"Did you know that monkeys are being trained as air traffic controllers?"

Wonder what happens if they need nit-picking break, trip to Carrefour to get bananas etc. Resolve never to fly again.

11.30 Take 10 mins hol. from translation nonsense. Open desktop copy of thriller. Have brilliant new angles. Calculate will land on publisher’s desk around yuletide. Christmas present of lifetime for some lucky editor.

12.30 Hurray! Have cleared decks, no more bloody translations. Can resume couch potato vocation, tend garden etc this weekend. If it stops raining. Spend extra 6 minutes preparing lunch in celebration. Fail to burn salmon. Open Chablis. Hum happily.

1 p.m. J. tells me he has accepted translation rejected last week, reluctantly he claims. Deadline extended to next Friday. Annual accounts of major utility company. Twenty merdy thousand words.
Go slightly ballistic. Point out have had 4 free weekends this year. Burst into tears, wail, wave arms, knock over wine.

4 p.m. Another appointment at notaire. Regret will never have time to spend supermegabucks. Four English purchasers, just flown in from US and China. Can understand respective Texan and sing-song accents if concentrate hard.
Purchase price transferred from accounts all over globe. Obviously laundering dirty money in Limousin rain. Notaire unable to reconcile various sums as French lawyers useless at maths. Give him hand with addition.
4.30  V. concerned re foreigners causing enormous house inflation in Limousin. Texan-Chinky clients paying € 4.8 billion for small cottage.

6 p.m. Find Gizmo in process of making paper chains with income tax form. Inspect same. Is okay, only a bit shreddy, quite decorative really. Usually returned with coffee stains, cat paw marks etc anyway.

Saturday
Gemini May 21 – June 21 Negative planets continue to rule your destiny. You may feel overburdened, even exploited

5.59 Grrr. Horrid XP jingle. Horrid Japanese laptop announces it’s maaliskuuta today, à propos of nothing at all.
Grrr. Have forgotten to copy yesterday’s desktop notes to laptop format. Open German word-processor. Read English help file.
Grrr. Need English-as-Foreign-Language manual.

10 a.m. J. insists on viewing future St.André’s with Mrs Gym Mis. & Mathieu. Do not understand technicalities of des links, le green, le rough as explained by Unteroberführer Mathieu. Apparently will need greenkeepers, swing coaches etc. And course designer of course.

11.a.m. Drag John away from boring putter grip discourse. Notice he told Mathieu his handicap at least 100 less than really is.

2 p.m. Miss children, is first Easter without inter-sibling war. Make sad phone calls, wish them truckloads of chocolate, champagne, foie gras.
2.30 Cannot face return to bloody accounts. Check TV mag. No bloody English football today. But at least France playing Switzerland tonight. Goody. And French club rugby on in 5 mins.
2.35  John insists we go shopping again, needs paper shredder for confidential documents. Grrr. Put on chauffeur uniform. Am clearly statue today, not pigeon.
Tell nervous office supplies assistant J. only joking when asks for shredder big enough for cat. €45. Would be cheaper to drown Gizmo in well.

Sunday
Gemini May 21 – June 21 Time seems to be a time problem today, but reserve an hour or two for shared conviviality

Ex-9.30 Drive J. to church. Notice worshippers flowing in wrong direction. Mass over. Seems someone fiddled with clock in middle of night. J. furious, no one blankedy-blank told him. Nothing for it but to continue merdy translations. Easter Christian duty down drain. Point out going to church does not make one Christian, just as standing in garage does not make one a car. Am excessively flippant, apparently.

13.00 Have spent 2 exciting hours in Contingent Liabilities, via personnel-related provisions and exchange rate differentials. Lovely.
Lunch at favourite gourmet resto. Dining room full of farmer-wrinklies, but Great Gazelle Plan will soon see them off. Small, touristless village will become bustling metropolis teeming with healthy, wealthy foreigners. Young tourists with buckets, spades and golf clubs. Can’t wait.

Bonne semaine

© Madeleine Dickson