Diary from Limousin 19

Monday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June A good day for making decisions of principle. Avoid excessive ruthlessness

5.30 Open windows. Back To The Antarctic II playing. Close said apertures quickly, just as cats do synchronised jump towards windowsill. They can wait, are wearing fur coats after all.

Boot cafetière, toaster. Realise missed pudding, supper yesterday. Eat 6 slices toast, apple, banana. Check emails. Nothing from Filthy-Rich Famous NY Novelist. Perhaps still in shock after reading chap. 20 of Page Turner by Y.S Truly.

Have decided that all 3 murderees regular members of health and fitness club. Club full of lithe-limbed lads sweatily pumping iron. Apolline ignores chorus of wolf-whistles, maintains ice-queen exterior  Deep down is thrilled, flattered heart fluttering. Partneress grins inanely, wiggles hips. Honestly. Melamine has intelligence of kitchen worktop.

Grill le patron, a fleshy flashy cretin in shiny suit, has beringed fingers, hard eyes. Fake Rolex on wrist. Ace detective v. suspicious. Demands list of clientele.

Apolline’s heart skips beat.
(Seems to be overdosing on heart irregularities – Ed)
(Piss off, Ed, or I’ll make her a mono-legged Mongolian midget)
(Only trying to help – Ed)

 "Good gracious me," she exclaims. Hands list to Melamine, points to names thereon. Police Chief and Juge d’Instruction are also members. Will have to interrogate them both.
"Ve-ry interesting," Melamine murmurs meaninglessly. "…that nasty Henri de Villeneuve is a member too."

7 p.m. Gazelles rather lethargic gymnasts tonight. Anxious air pervades the hall, even Arlette subdued, hardly raises voice above yell. No sign of a popular uprising after distribution of seditious tracts. Françoise suggests perhaps due to other 800 inhabitants having difficulty remembering where they left their reading glasses.
"And then they’ll have to locate their zimmer frames before shuffling down to the Mairie," Danette observes glumly.

 Tuesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon squares Pluto today. You’ve backed all the right horses, but watch out for emotional manipulation

8 a.m. "Isn’t that amazing?" John says brightly. "A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate." Amazing. Recognise an olive branch when I hear one.

9.30 Pop down to Mairie to pump friendly secretary re villager reaction to flyer.  Mayor not usually there until he’s communed with cows, chewed a few lengths of straw etc.
Squeeze through crowd of wrinklies cluttering up road, entrance to building etc. Must be waiting for the Scrabble Club to open. 

Reach front desk, duck walking stick being swung by Hundred Years War veteran.
Listen with faux sympathy as weary secretary describes major offensive on local government. Waves copy of tract. "Bernard’s furious over this. Particularly the bit about your scheme being certain to lower local taxes. All these people want an explanation from him."
Heart singing. Kiss surprised old soldier on way out. Turn down offer of back rub after his siesta. Dirty old sod.

9 p.m. Watch Liverpool-v-Chelsea Champions’ League semi-final. Weep copiously during rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone. Gizmo now very wet, push her off my lap. Tell J. to shut trap, is blathering re spouse more Maudlin than Madeleine.
Used to stand on terraces at Stamford Bridge in good old days, but think will throw support behind the Reds tonight. Love whole Scouse culture, Beatles, 60s etc.

10.45 Thought winning goal distinctly dodgy, but toast Liverpool nonetheless. Look forward to their trashing A.C Milan in final. Not that one is partisan really.

Wednesday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon moves into Aries in your 11th house. You want to be surrounded by your more forthright friends and actively pursue your goals

6 a.m. Apolline has given Melamine little pep talk re obsession with lovely Henri. Instinct is but the tool of an idle mind etc. Sends said bimbo off to check out backgrounds of other members. Sits back in leather swivel chair. Swivels.

Phone rings. It’s Henri, voice slightly muffled. Has some information for her. Can’t tell her over phone. Perhaps we could meet? This evening? Dinner? Agrees after appropriate level of hesitation. Mustn’t appear too eager. Gives him her address.
Puts phone down with trembling, clammy hand. Has not felt this way about a man since – since that U2 concert in Montpellier ten years ago, when Bono looked straight at her. Just her, out of all the millions there.

8 a.m. Françoise phones. Mayor has called a public meeting for this evening, council workers delivering a note to every household today. Hmm. Bernard obviously running scared.

8 p.m. Insist that J. attends meeting, despite protests re Cosi Fan Tutte broadcast on Arte channel. Notice most Gazelles partnered too. Bit startled to see Bernie with Norbert in tow. What if Scumbag wanders in, finds his wife fondling ladykiller’s butt?
Huguette seated in front row, facing Bernard. Nicolas sitting on mayor’s left, grins, winks. Wink back, get painful dig in ribs from insanely jealous spouse.

8.15 Hurray! Limousin United have kicked off! One is now on the road! We’ll Never Walk Alone!

8.20 "…can’t authorize a golf course, but we will allow a mini golf course…"

Swine! Bastard! *?*?¤?@^ !!!

"…too expensive, elitist."

Cannot contain myself, leap to feet.  "Shame on you Bernard! …there’s nothing elitist about golf. All you need is a stick, ball and revolting clothing….you’ve been content to sit on your hands while your electors, including your wife, save this village…we’ll get the golf course sometime…and we’ll get us a new mayor."

Even John joins in standing ovation.

Have quick after-meeting conflab with sisters-in-arms. Majority 29-1 for celebratory nosh-up. Am still furious re Bernard’s duplicity, but decide reluctantly to celebrate half-victory. Am firmly overruled re banning men therefrom.

"We need their help and cooperation now, chérie," Huguette insists. Suppose she’s right.

 Thursday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June First thing this morning, the moon opposes Jupiter. You’re overemotional about your goals – take the day to calm down

8.30 Françoise calls. Dinner Saturday 8 p.m. at Flies et Lice, noted Limoges chineserie.  Dress optional.
"Think I’ll probably wear something, Françoise." Ignores me, maybe too early for jokes. Could I babysit for Huguette tomorrow morning, so she can have hairdo?
"What, alone? With triplets?"
"Why not?" Can think of a million reasons why not.
"Only joking."

9.05 Check emails, Loto results. Have won €15.60. Not as exciting as it should be, even though am clearly working up to huge win, enough for half dozen golf courses

"Piddling mini-golf!" Snort. "Who’s going to come to Limousin to play crazy golf? I ask you! We should go straight to European Court of Human Rights, challenge the legality of this!"

"Don’t you dare!" Spoilsport spouse blathers on interminably re lack of grounds, egg on face, personal costs orders etc.  "Your trouble is, you suffer from insanity."

Rubbish. I enjoy every minute of it

 Friday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June The moon moves into Taurus in your 12th house. All your problems today will be minor

8.30 Meet Ginette and Yveline at mayoral residence.
"They shouldn’t need feeding till I get back." Huguette shows Baby Squad whereabouts of bottles, diapers etc, just in case.
Leave babies sleeping in pram size of furniture truck after obligatory oohs, aahs over wizened colour-coded chimps.
Salon, hall, a minefield of plastic WMDs, empty video cases, books. Unglue Charles and Camille from TV, send them upstairs to make beds. Clear minefield.

9.30 Check babies. Chimps still comatose. This is a doddle.
9.45 Camille wailing in kitchen. "Zuh cretin took zuh last brioche…"
Find Charles spraying brothers with brioche crumbs. Finger exploring ribs of Hint-of-Green.
9.46 Green opens eye, howls.
9.47  Must  tell Huguette hearing of Blue and Yellow perfect.
9.48  Babies Green, Blue, Yellow now uniform puce. Have decided we must take positive action before eardrums blown to smithereens.

"Perhaps we should change their diapers…" Yveline yells above cacophony.
"Certainly not. Let’s get those gobs plugged first." Have no real desire to explore other end actually. In my experience can contain rather nasty little packages.

9.53 Bliss. Like turning off tap.  Surely some device possible to milk mayoral cows, feed babies simultaneously?

9.55 Babies sucking at bottles angrily. Green first to spit out teat, enraged howls.  Know exactly what problem is, and solution. Ask Camille to find sewing basket.

"Maman will get angry if you sew their lips together," she says accusingly, bottom lip wobbling.  Hmm. Hadn’t thought of that, clearly v. practical child.

Sterilize needle, spear XXL hole in teats. Delighted have not lost touch.

2 p.m. Swallow 2 more paracetamol. Head still pounding after youth concert this morning.

2.45 Give Vile Véronique update re Limousin United while she massages my headache away. Is still interested in my idea of massage, make up sessions at Show. Promise to keep her informed.

4 p.m. Have quick cut ‘n blow job at hairdresser. (Shriek! You can’t mean that? Ed)

 Saturday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June A good time to be with friends. Enjoy – don’t dwell on their shortcomings

Bernard, trying hard to ingratiate himself with disaffected electors, has laid on 2 coaches for the evening. He is also babysittiing the 5 children so that Huguette can have a night out. Think there’s hope for him yet.
Blokes gathering in huge scrum, guffawing, indulging in typical male behaviour. Belching competition bound to start soon. Notice Bernie with another, different escort. Gawd. Not sure about this at all. They’re all the same species after all.

8 p.m. Board His ‘n Her coaches, am yanked into seat beside an ecstatic Martine. "I ‘ave lust 4 kilos! 4! Imagine! In less zan a week!"
Gawd. Perhaps the Great Limousin Diet actually works. This is going to be a huge success. GL will roll off global tongues as smoothly as GB does now. Hmm. GL Show, GL Diet. GL Cosmetics, GL Furnishings…GL…
8.40 "Wakey-Wakey! We’re here!"
The men continue their segregation policy in the restaurant. We might as well be in Riyadh. Sit between Bernie and Grizzelle, listening to a thousand conversation bites at once.
“I was talking to you, are you deaf?” Grizzelle bellows. Apologize. It’s her birthday tomorrow. 93!
“Yes, but it takes longer to rest than it takes to get tired.” Oh. Think I’ll enjoy that.

“…..two ways of arguing with women….neither works….”
Bernie snorts. “Huh. Men. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity, eh?”

 Sunday
Gemini 21 May- 20 June Due to the new moon, you’ll feel the need to keep your feelings to yourself

9.30  J. still sleeping off last night’s excesses. 30 stone-cold-sober Gazelles rolled onto Her coach last night swearing to have future nosh-ups in No Man’s Land. They just don’t know how to behave.
4 pm Grizzelle delighted with rather fine bottle of malt, will keep same for special occasions. Lunchtimes, she cackles.  Coven heaving with fellow witches and Gazelles, eyeing but not guzzling gooey gateaux. Hmm. GL Diet psychological tool too. Can see endless applications therefor.
Françoise says we must get down to some serious planning tomorrow after gym. Privately, have heebie-jeebies re whole project. Will be a miracle if finished this century, and without turning Ys. Truly into basket case.

Bonne semaine

© Madeleine Dickson